It was one of those mornings after a huge blow up. The kind of mornings you both wake up still furious, and you can slice the tension with a big fat steak knife. It was the same fight, same story, different day, and I was emotionally exhausted over the repetition of this same topic and the harm it was causing us in our marriage. But, I wasn’t done yet and I certainly wasn’t waving the white flag. I sat in the middle of the sofa, crisscrossed with my coffee, making certain Paul could see I was still angry as heck at him, and we both know I am not over something when I just make eggs for me. Ughhh, I hate mornings like this- yet, it’s as if my inability to pick battles just welcomes them with open arms.
Been here before?
Maybe it’s with your husband, maybe it’s your roommates, maybe it’s your parents. No matter who your repeating fight is with, I think we can all agree on two things: 1. We don’t actually enjoy fighting over the topic (if you do, you need to do some serious counseling and soul searching.. haha) 2. We hate that we care so much to win, which is what causes the fight on repeat in the first place.
I am really into personality tests, like REALLY into them. I have probably taken just about every kind there is. And, I know they are fairly accurate, because I always test the same personality, perhaps just named different depending on the test, for every single one. I recently took one called 16personalities, and I tested once again as an INFJ-T. (The ‘T’ addition is specific to the 16 personalities test.) I was reading through each little section about me out loud to Paul, and felt so justified. Everything was so on point for me, and I was like “See Paul! Look, this is just who I am.” Then it said my personality type is the kind who are often soft spoken, but when they have an opinion they fight to the death for it. And, we see every little thing as an injustice, no matter how big or small, so picking battles is tough because we want every little injustice fixed for the greater cause of humanity.
This is SO TRUE. But, guys, gut check, come on. No matter what a personality test says I am, and no matter how accurate, this doesn’t justify or make it okay that I don’t pick my battles and turn on the spice easily when I walk into battle. Just being real! Y’all, sassy is my middle name, and I am not always proud of it. Sure it can be funny in the right time, but when it comes to being sassy in a fight, it’s never going to end well. We can’t always chalk up our sinful patterns or tendencies to simply “that’s just who I am, and you have to be okay with it.” See, with maturity comes an understanding of “yes, this is who I am and these are my tendencies, so what I am going to do about it to tame it?”
See, me fighting for justice and seeing where there could be cause for hurt isn’t a bad thing. It’s what drives me and, when it’s used well, it is a great asset to contribute to a team, because I can see and feel all different possible outcomes of situations and I consider how this could effect people’s feelings. What I have had to learn the hard way over my first three years of marriage is I can’t pick every battle and I am not going “win” every single one I do go for.
The Bible says “Seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.”
(Part of Micah 6:8)
Seek justice: check. I am real good at that. My personality test even said so. 😉
Love mercy: Yeah, I like that I don’t get everything I actually deserve, and that God extends countless amounts of grace on me.
Walk humbly with your God: Womp. See, to walk humbly means you don’t need to win every battle and, dare I say, be right in every single one?! Self reflection before coming to someone in confrontation is the first sign of humility. Asking yourself “Is this an injustice that is causing real harm to me or others? Or am I just annoyed?” That’s maturity, that is humility, that is what it means to walk humbly with your God in the setting of confrontation and picking battles.
You don’t always have to win.
You aren’t always right.
It’s not always worth the picking.
Gasp. I know. If you’re like me deep at the core, you’re thinking “NO. It’s worth the fight to see that person grow and get better…”
Ah but sweet thing, we need to check the plank in our own eyes before pulling the one out of your neighbor’s. I am with you, that’s me. I am literally speaking about myself above all else right now. I originally wrote this post a week and a half ago, and am reading through a final time for edits… and I am laughing/cringing BECAUSE THIS WAS US THIS MORNING. Ugh, the sofa, the coffee, the eggs… EVERYTHING.
I so often want to pick the planks out Paul’s eye or family and friends, but often when we look at the core of things, we have the same plank in our own eye to work on, which is why we can see their’s so strongly. It’s the same one.
My prayer for the last month has been “Help me to care less, God. I don’t need to win. I have already been justified through the cross for everything I need.”
This has been a game changer. It’s truly changed my view of the topics that Paul and I have had on repeat battles for the last three years. Truly, it’s been a shift. We haven’t fought about these things since I started praying this prayer. (LOL- until this morning.) Do the topics still boil up, and I have to decide before speaking how I want to handle it? Yes. Duh. The battles don’t go away, but how we choose to pick them and approach them causes a shift.
Taming the spicy, y’all, and not having to be right. That’s a battle in and of itself. But, it’s one worth taking. Pray that prayer with me, if this resonates with you.
“God, I don’t have to win. I have been justified through the cross.”
Love you guys so much! I have worked so hard to get back on my game after a month and a half of being here and there, all over the place, and I planned literally the next 3 or 4 months of content. It’s going to start rolling out here in the next week starting with this post. I know I have been MIA, and it’s because of a plethora of things, but I will share about it all with you. Adulting is real y’all, haha, but there are some fun things on the horizon!
This awesome striped dress, perfect for Spring and Summer, is from Landry Kate! I styled it up with some fun wedges (literally, these wedges are freaking tall), but you can wear it with some kicks and a ball cap for a casual look, too! Call them up to order yours: 469.307.3770. Ask for the Jacey Tie Dress. 🙂 I am in a Small! Tonight I am hosting a fashion show at Landry Kate with my sweet friend, Lindsay Smith in celebration of her brand new book, Be Clothed. It’s going to be such a fun night, and I cannot wait to share more about it and the book itself. Some of my students and I have read through already, and we will be sharing our thoughts about it for all of you.
This lip color is actually Caramel Apple from Lipsense. I thought it was time to try out what all the talk is about, and so far I am a big fan. I got mine from my sweet friend, Liz Larsen (@accessoryjane) who is a distributor. I love supporting my friends and watching them succeed in their businesses!