When Things Feel Out of Control

Yeah, I get it. From being worn thin and overbooked schedules or just feeling irritable because I don’t seem to get a second to myself – I know what it feels like to feel out of control. I see you, mom who says she going to the bathroom but it’s really to just sit alone for 10 minutes on the floor of the toilet room.

I recently felt so overwhelmed by the things I once loved that I strongly considered quitting everything. Like, sell the company and be simply a mom who has time to actually make homemade pies and play dough. That’s a thing, right? But, after some serious soul searching and rewiring of priorities, I realized my job and the things I once loved aren’t what was stressing me out. It was my priorities and stewardship of time to them. So, though being a mom who bakes pies and makes homemade play dough truly sounds so fun [despite the fact I am actually a not so great baker or DIY-er], it’s just not who God designed ME specifically to be in this season. However I do want to become a better baker and attempt a DIY now and then… perhaps 2022. But my priorities, regardless of my passions, should be my calling. And my calling on this earth is to leave a legacy behind and children who love God. My kids don’t experience God if I am frazzled and working all the time. They don’t experience God if I don’t have time to stop and play or hug their dad. I want to be the mom who DOES have time to stop and play for an hour on the floor, and that means knowing I can close the laptop throughout the day. Everything won’t burn to the ground if I play Spiderman with Knox for an hour. Know what I mean? But, there was a season I thought it would. I genuinely felt if I stopped, so would the blessings on my work and our life that was seemingly “awesome.” In that tight grip of false control, I found myself so anxious and awake at night thinking of more things I need to do and, well, long story short something needed to change. Was it selling my company? Was it letting go of leadership and taking a back seat? Was it staying as is and sucking it up? I didn’t know. I genuinely didn’t. But I realized I just needed a priority shift. I needed to rearrange some things and reorder the way I do some stuff. I needed to pitch some bad habits and I needed to let go of some things for a season. So I did. And know what? I feel creative again. I feel refueled. I sleep at night again. I am more patient. I speak kinder. I can stay calm when my almost 4 year old is telling me he doesn’t want to do something for the 10th time this morning. I AM being the mom I want to be, but it came differently than I thought! I thought I had to quit everything and lay all my passions aside in order to walk in my calling. But, truth is that God gives us passions for a purpose. But our passions cant be purposefully executed if we forget our ultimate calling. What’s your calling? LOVE GOD. LOVE PEOPLE. TELL PEOPLE ABOUT GOD. From that, you can decipher what your calling looks like in your life. For example, mine specifically is: LOVE GOD, LOVE MY HUSBAND, LOVE MY KIDS, LOVE OUR CHURCH, SHARE THE GOSPEL ON ALL PLATFORMS GOD HAS GIVEN ME. Make sense?

We can get so hung up in passions that we forget the purpose and our ultimate calling. Passions must fit within healthy boundaries of our calling or it’s not Godly. Passions are good – but like all “good” things on this Earth, aside from Jesus, when we don’t healthily approach them we can find ourselves quickly not good. When our priorities are whacked up so is our heart. Our soul was designed to worship, but if it’s worshipping work rather than God… then you’re going to see the ramifications of that in your life. For me, it’s anxiety and shame. What is it for you? What can you pinpoint as a potential ramification for getting your priorities out of order?

I hope you can take a step back and assess your current situation. What if it isn’t WHAT you do but rather HOW you’re doing it that’s causing you distress lately?

5 Ways to help your grieving friend

Grief is wild. It’s a roller coaster. The first time we went out to dinner a few days after losing Blakely, I was triggered by so many things. I felt like I was literally living in a bubble watching other people live their lives. I was caught in between “Find joy and step forward” and “How dare them be so happy when I just lost my daughter.” Also… completely recognizing NONE of them knew our reality.

It was quite eye opening, and I found myself thinking about how the world is full of people with their own stories. Their own stories of sadness or loss. Their own experiences that need compassion and grace today. We are all walking our own journey full of both joyous mountain top moments and the aching depths of heartache. I urge you today, as we walk into our days, remember we are all dealing with our own things. Be the kindness somebody needs who may have just lost their baby or a family member or whatever their story of grief entails.

Anyways, today, I wanted to share a list of things people did for us over the last few weeks that truly helped me navigate grief. We were so overwhelmed by people’s kindness in the days before and after losing Blakely. I have even just this week received gifts from YOU in the mail, honoring our sweet girl and letting us know you’re thinking of us. I found some things particularly helpful, and I wanted to share those with you. We all know somebody right now who could use support as they navigate something difficult. I hope this helps you be a pillar of support to somebody you love in the sometimes awkward journey of grieving.

  1. What To Say:
    “I know nothing I say can help, but just know I am so sorry and I am grieving with you.”
    Everybody’s experience is their own. However, in my own journey, I found the people who said something like this to be the most validating and encouraging. Grief is a speechless place to be. Join us in that speechlessness.
  2. Meal Train:
    My best friends set up a meal train for us when I was put on bed rest, of course with none of us knowing in the following days we would also all test positive for COVID in my home and also lose our baby from my subchorionic hemorrhage. I have never felt so cared for. We had people deliver food to our porch, have something delivered, or VENMO us money to order dinner for weeks. It was a relief to us both with our time, efforts, and financially.
  3. Gifts:
    I can’t tell you how many people sent us gifts in the mail or left things on our front porch. Flowers, gift baskets, personalized items for Blakely for us to remember her by. Heartfelt notes that brought me to tears. Every single gift made me cry. It meant so much that people would care to say “Hey, I see you grieving. I love you and I care about your situation.”
  4. Texts:
    I received texts from so many people who started their sentiments by letting me know I don’t owe them a reply. This immediately relieved me from feeling overwhelmed by the looming expectation of owing people a response. Every single text, whether beginning with this or not, made my eyes water. A text to say “We love you, we love Blakely, we are praying for your heart today” meant the world to me. It made me feel a little less like everybody around me’s life was moving on business as usual while I sat stuck in my sadness and loss alone.
  5. Support with Each Step Toward “Normal”:
    Every step taken toward feeling “normal” will be a different pace for every single person facing grief. For me, sharing about Blakely was sickening but I needed to do it as quickly as I could. I had kept her a secret for 8 weeks. And then, also secretly lost her after two weeks of bed rest. It was all overwhelming. Grief told me talk about it. Then, when I wanted to start going to stuff again at church or with friends, I needed people to treat me like me… Make sense? I didn’t want to be the center of people’s sad stares or be asked “No really, how are you?” I just wanted to be hugged and told they loved me and were glad I was there – wherever “there” was.

I could go on and on with the amazing things people did for us. But, I felt these 5 things stuck out the most in my grieving that I didn’t know I needed but once I did, I knew it was good. I have never lost anybody or been in a situation like this personally until now. And I know I now have different responses to people in their grief than I did before my own personal loss.

Thank you for continuing to love my family through this season. Oddly, in our grief, I have felt a sense of liberation and freedom I never have had until this life experience. Good can come from all bad. The Lord promises beauty from ashes. I see those ashes rises up into new blooms and gardens.

My Loss & Subchorionic Hemorrhage

I miscarried my daughter, Blakely Amelia, just shy of 14 weeks. We found out she was a girl during an emergency room trip while in Alabama for a conference when I was 11.5 weeks. I had prayed earlier that day for a miracle and that God would somehow get our genetic testing results early, because I just couldn’t wait. I just knew this was it. I knew it was my daughter. And though I didn’t expect it to be from an ER trip, I got to learn about my daughter earlier than expected from my sonogram there. Our sweet sonographer asked us if we wanted to know and said she was about 85% certain she could tell us.

My SCH was discovered that night and I scheduled an appointment for the morning I got back to Texas. Like, literally we drove in and got home at 2:30 AM and I was at my doctor’s office at 8:30. I had never heard of these and, to be honest, it was difficult to find much information on them. If anything, I wanted to share this post to first and foremost share a bit more about my time and loss with Blakely. Second, if this can be a resource for women in the future, I hope it helps. Let me start this by saying MOST often, a SCH will heal itself and moms deliver perfect babies with these. Unfortunately I had a very large one and it couldn’t heal itself.

Blakely

Blakely was 10000% a surprise. We were not trying and actively so… ha. God truly wanted us to have her in this exact time and season for some reason. And to be honest, it is even more so hurtful and confusing after having lost her knowing how much of a miracle it was that we conceived her. But I know there is purpose in this pain. I trust God with it. I had told God after Rory if He wanted me to be pregnant again, it would have to be a shock because I was too scared to try again. I expressed my deep desires for a daughter once more and let Him be in charge. Boy, did He shock us. We have joked since this pregnancy that I have seriously got to start being more clear in my prayers about timelines because God always delivers exactly as I ask. Of course, God is in charge and does as He pleases. But, man, he really does hear us.

What is a subchorionic hemorrhage?

Essentially, in the easiest words, your placenta and uterus pull apart in a spot and cause a clot to form. Sorta like a scab holding the two together until, hopefully, it heals and binds back together. Mine was 5 cm at the bottom of my uterus just over my cervix. There is no true cause of this, nothing you did nor can do. Some believe it’s caused by when an egg fertilizes on top of a previously fertilized area in your uterus. Regardless, your body deals with it as it pleases, essentially. I was on bed rest to help all that I could and so that, mentally, if I did miscarry, my doctor told me I would know that I know it wasn’t me and I wouldn’t carry that weight of false guilt. Many women have pleasant, perfect full-term pregnancies with these and it’s not a grave diagnosis. In fact, most often, it isn’t one. SCH is pretty rare but not necessarily a bad ending, just high risk. I held onto that hope for the next two weeks after. I am not a doctor, so take these numbers lightly, but it’s what I found while researching my own. I found in my grief that I needed to understand it better. Statistically, a study of 64k pregnancies, only about 2% had SCH. Another study that focused solely on SCH said about 30% of SCH end in a miscarriage.

So, again, please if you find this and have recently been diagnosed, I am hopeful for you. This doesn’t have to end like mine did. In fact, statistics lend themself to say you won’t have my experience and I pray you do not.

What to expect with a SCH

For mine, I bled significantly my first bleed. Leading up to my bleed, I felt sick and uncomfortable all day. My tummy was also extremely swollen, something I didn’t fully realize until after the fact. I was at a 3 day conference, day 2, and couldn’t sit straight. It felt somewhat like early labor pains. I was miserably uncomfortable but thought it was round ligament pain. I was having light headedness and was coming in and out of what felt like “out of body” experiences. That evening, we arrived at a restaurant and walking in I could feel something wasn’t right and I ran to the bathroom immediately to find I had bled everywhere. At this point, I assumed the worst and thought I had miscarried then. My husband had to come into the women’s restroom with me to try to clean up what we could and walked me out to the car, all done in a favorite white dress… ugh. It just made everything so obvious and horrifying. We called my midwife out of state and she, too, prepared my heart that it was likely either a miscarriage or COULD be a subchorionic hemorrhage, but that my 8 week scan didn’t show signs of one as it normally would. The trip to the ER confirmed my baby was bouncing around and healthy, but I did in fact have a large SCH.

From here, I saw my midwife the day I returned home, learned about the size of my hemorrhage *also called hematoma* and started fighting physically and in the spiritual realm for my daughter. My sonogram that morning also confirmed a girl, and then my midwife let me know my genetic testing had come in the day before and I was in fact pregnant with a little girl. I had prayed for this moment for 3 years and I immediately knew it was my Blakely Amelia whom I prayed for by name since 2018. I didn’t expect my time with her to be so short, but I am so abundantly thankful God gave us our gender early to be able to dream and celebrate her as long as we got.

Though, it did feel cruel when I lost her and part of me wished I had never known, I know there is purpose and significance in this for having known it was her. And I keep asking God to heal the pieces of my heart that are wounded from the confusing loss of such a dream.

The miscarriage

I will be bluntly honest that I just had no idea what actually happens in a miscarriage. Truly not a clue, and I now have such a greater depth of heartache for moms I know who have also lost babies, whether at 4 weeks or 14+. I had only bled in the two weeks of knowing about my hematoma that once in Alabama. I felt excited that I wasn’t bleeding more and saw it as a good thing *which it was, to be fair*.

In the middle of my bed rest from the hematoma, my entire family actually came down with COVID to top this whole experience off. We were stuck at home, me on bed rest, and all of us piled into one bed soaking up every moment together in between sniffles and snot. My loss has absolutely Z E R O connection to COVID and to be honest, our experience was that of a cold/flu. We lost our taste and smell for a bit but already it’s come back almost fully. I recognize this isn’t the case for everybody, but it was our experience (as well as my many friends who have now had it) and I am grateful to now have a natural boosted immunity and antibodies for it in our home before the fall/winter months. We chose to do only a steroid (I only took it for 3 days) and vitamins, and by day 8 were doing great. I was prescribed Ivermectin but chose against it with my doctor as there just wasn’t enough information on it for pregnancy.

Just as I was starting to get over COVID, I began bleeding again. It was like from one thing to the next and back again. It appeared to be a “good” shade of blood and like my hematoma was actually healing and releasing itself out of my cervix rather than absorbing simply because my body saw it was easier to release it being so close to an “exit.” And so, I began the process of what we believe was my hematoma healing. But, I wasn’t allowed to go into my OB’s office again to check yet, having only just hit day 10 from symptoms, as their policy required 10 days post-positive test. I was stuck at home and had to wait and pray. Or if I needed to, I could go to the ER but had to tell them I was likely still COVID positive on a test… I didn’t want to endure that so I stayed home. The hope was my body would release the clots and that my tear was ultimately fixed.

Long story short, my body went into labor two days after beginning to bleed again. It appears my body was tricked into believing, due to the large amount of blood leaving my body, that it needed to dilate. Thus, sending my body into active labor. Having been in active labor twice before now, I knew at this point it was time to go to the hospital. Sparing details, the clots and bleeding changed significantly and it was clear something was happening. But, even still, though terrified and wailing from pain, I truly thought I would show up, get my contractions sedated, maybe stay over night to be monitored, and head home. A miscarriage was a slight fear but still nowhere on my realistic radar.

Unfortunately, when I walked into Labor and Delivery, I delivered my daughter right there as I tried to quickly check in. In my SCH case, I had to dilate too much to rid my body of the “bad” that it unfortunately got rid of the good, too. We got to spend time with our daughter in a private recovery room as long as we wanted. I also had to have blood tests and deliver the placenta, which thankfully came out on its own without surgery. I held my 13 week 3 day baby in my hands for hours, enjoying time and mourning our loss of her. I saw full hands, legs, feet, eyes, and a perfect tiny body made in the image of God. I knew I believed life began in the womb, but now more than ever I know what life in my tummy actually looks like. And it’s a baby. A full, tiny human.

I wanted to share my story, partly to connect with other mommies who have lost their child, partly to answer the questions you’ve had, and partly as part of my grieving process. I have spent the last 8 weeks dreaming of the day I got to share with all of you about Blakely and all the fun things that happened while in my first trimester. And, because I believe she is my daughter and her life was woven in my womb by the Lord, I want to still share about her and her story. Even though it hurts, even though I am still so sad and shocked, talking about my story and experience is healing.

I posted this in my stories yesterday, and it seemed to help so many of you understand your own grief and loss. So, I want it to live on here as well to help others as they navigate their own loss.

“The gap between an answered prayer and the way it unfolds sometimes will never fully be graspable on this side of Heaven. I believe Blakely was such an answered prayer. God shocked us with her just as I had asked Him to. Loss and heartache exist because we live in a broken world. My placenta and uterus came apart with no explanation other than that of I live in an imperfect body in an imperfect world. But I worship the Lord because I have seen Him in my answered prayers and I have seen Him in my mourning. And I know He always gets the final say, the final victory, and all the glory. I choose to worship Him, even when it hurts, because it’s all I know to do.”

Friend, if you have lost a baby, I am so sorry. I am so sorry you have experienced such depths of heartache. No mother should have to say goodbye to their child in a blanket in their lap at the hospital. No mother should have to bury their baby. No mother should have to choose what steps to take next for their now deceased child. These things are part of what God promises us will be no more in Heaven. No more hurt, tears, pain or loss. A perfect, renewed, restored body in a state of perfection. I so look forward to that day I enter into Heaven and see my sweet girl. I imagine she, like my boys, has bright blonde hair with subtle curls and big blue eyes. I long for the day to see her.

Thank you for loving our family through this time. We’ve found ourself in the midst of such grief thanking God for the amazing outpouring of kindness we’ve experienced these last few days. I also recognize how, even in the middle of losing Blakely, the Lord was so near. Our nurses were so kind. There was not a single bed for me and I begged them not to send me away, and they created a makeshift room for me in L&D. They soothed us, cared for us, and literally cried with us. When I left, I was truly hugged with sorrow, empathy, and compassion. I am forever grateful for them. They honored us and our loss, and most importantly honored my daughter as a LIFE.

Tips for a Better Quiet Time

Today I have teamed up with Luxe and Bloom for a special giveaway for a quiet time box I curated with them! I believe I am a better mom, wife, boss, and self every day because I spend time with the Lord, write out the things I am grateful for and praying for, and setting my thoughts straight. This quiet time box will hopefully help you do this, too.

Luxe and Bloom is a special curated collection of top notch items to create custom gift boxes for the special people in your life. This is such a great idea for birthdays or wedding parties! OR that friend who had a tough week. There are literally so many options to pick from, and they’re items worth your time. We are talking brands you find in Anthropologie, including my favorite Volcano Candle, Rifle Paper Co., and Sugarfina (to name a few!). You can curate a box [or pick from pre-made ones] and have it shipped directly to the recipient’s door. What a sweet surprise to give somebody you care about!

To enter the giveaway is SIMPLE:

  1. Follow this link to sign up for our emails!
  2. Follow me (@hannahmcmorrison and @shopluxeandbloom )
  3. Like and tag 2 friends on my post for giveaway in my IG feed!

3 Tips to Better Your Quiet Time

As a mommy and business owner, I often have to wake up at 5:30 or earlier to get in some “me time.” I am also most creative when it’s dark out and a cup of coffee in hand. However, I have also learned to listen to my body in this season of life and can easily sleep until 7 or later. Whatever you choose, though, setting a moment for you and God is key to a fulfilling quiet time. Here are 3 things I do to make it special, whether it’s an hour or just a quick 10 minute breather with the Lord before I take on my day. I cannot do anything without Him, and I never want to start my day thinking I can.

  1. Set a scene! I mean it. Light a candle, have a seat that’s YOUR seat for reading, make yourself a cup of coffee or tea, and take a few deep breaths before starting. Jesus made it possible to speak directly with God as our father, but He is still God. Approach Him with honor and expectancy in a space that was prepared for him. It doesn’t have to be extravagant by any means. It’s more so a reflection of where your heart is as you prepare to commune with the Lord.
  2. Ask the Lord to reveal something to you in today’s scripture that He wants to teach you. It’s crazy how the same scripture will hit me differently depending on the season of life. God’s word is breathed by Him and is alive, meaning it is constantly ministering and meeting people where they are at by the power of the Holy Spirit. It’s always relevant because God is always relevant and beyond the concept of time. Your Bible can impress on your heart whatever the Lord wants it to today – ask for Him to reveal it.
  3. Prayer/Thankfulness. The devil cannot defeat a thankful heart. I believe a grateful heart is the starting point for God to work. When we recognize all He has done for us and will do, He can work for us on our behalf. Likewise, bitterness and victimhood are where the Devil loves to simmer in and get you stuck. When we live in a state of mind that is “Whoa! Look what you’ve done and your mercy on me!” vs. “Woe is me, my life is a wreck and I am a sinner” … God can just do so much more. Yes, we are sinners. That’s why Jesus had to die for us. Never lose a reverence and gratitude for THAT. He defeated sin and death on the cross. Life is a joyous event – act like it. I write out every day what I feel thankful for, sometimes pages long. Then, I write my prayers – also sometimes pages long. But I want to make sure I, first and foremost, and God hear out of my mouth how much I see He has done. Then, my prayers and requests are spoken in faith. It’s like saying, “Wow look at all the things I just wrote out that you’ve done for. I am praying and asking in faith for these things to be more than I could have ever asked or imagined, too.

I hope this helps you enhance your time with God! AND, I hope you check out Luxe and Bloom for gift ideas!! Don’t forget to enter to win my box curated for a lucky winner – a winner is announced on Sunday.

xoxo, Hannah

5 Things I Did for Me

This year has been wild… We all know that. Both the world as a whole and in my personal world behind closed doors, everything as I knew it blew up in my face a year ago [almost to the day] and… Although I didn’t ask for it and it’s been quite painful, it’s also been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, to be honest. This year, I took back my life in so many areas. I said NOT TODAY, SATAN and started doing things that brought me joy, and I pitched the things/commitments/relationships that didn’t. I Marie Condo-ed my life and it’s been awesome. Painful? Yes, of course. I won’t romanticize the work of pruning. But, the end result sure is lovely.

Below is a list of 5 things I have done for ME that made me feel like ME again. I brought back hobbies and parts of me that have died over the years, either from stress or just phase of life. But, not anymore. I am bringing back the best me, and here is how I did it!

Voice Lessons: YEP! I have been a singer quite literally my entire life. My family loves to tell stories of how I would put shows on without hesitation in the living room and make up songs. I was in the best choirs at my 5A high school, sang at church, sang the National Anthem for games at my school etc. Then, in short, anxiety took over my life after some fairly hurtful and traumatic situations in my young adult life. And with those, my gift became a source of deep anxiety. I didn’t sing for nearly 5 years when I graduated from high school. And though I have been a worship leader the last 5 years of my life, my anxiety and fears have always bubbled under the surface. So, I decided it was time to get me back! I have been taking lessons with a worship pastor who, quite honestly (whether she knows it or not) has been equally a voice coach as she has been a therapist to me. She literally has made me preach the lyrics of my songs to empower me to find my voice again. I have started writing songs again and feeling a freedom in my voice [both my singing and quite literally] that I haven’t felt in ages.

Counseling: I have always encouraged counseling and always will. I truly see counseling as integral to your overall physical and emotional health as healthy eating, working out, and friendships are.  Find somebody you love, respect, and who has a life (private and public) that you honor. I love my counselor so much. And even when I come in feeling GREAT with nothing particularly to talk about, I leave a better person because of my time with her. As a wife, boss, leader of a church, mom, and entrepreneur… I need a healthy space to get poured into spiritually, emotionally, and to speak into my businesses.

Audible Books: I just recently started to do this… and I am such a better person for it hehe. But, no seriously… my husband literally just told me this morning he feels like I am being goofier and more playful lately – Overall less stressed. I chalk it up to having a fiction book going all day and allowing that creative space of my mind to work and floruish. Any time I have dead space to fill and could start scrolling on IG or turn on the television, I have started to do an Audible. I also turn it on while driving or doing my house work. It’s just been so great for my mental health. I feel calmer, my spirit feels at ease, and I even feel more creative in my work from filling my headspace with less social media.

Break Rules – Have Fun: I am a 9 on the Enneagram with a very evenly split wing 1/8. If that sounds like a foreign language to you – basically, I feel a whole lot of feels and can be very commanding about those feelings and equally need a LOT of structure. In seasons of stress, I tend to tap into my wings heavily. I have found as I have gotten older that my spontaneity and love for fun has been overshadowed by a need for structure and rules. SO, I challenged myself to start breaking my rules to give my boys a better version of me. A little less structure (within reason) and a little more space for fun. This has looked like ice cream for dinner, a picnic on the ground of our new house without plates, staying up past bedtime for one extra episode of Knox’s favorite show, snuggling in my bed for cartoons before 10 AM…. I have a lot of rules, which isn’t a bad thing. BUT it has become something I cling to for security when my life feels chaotic. If God is supposed to be my only source of true security, though, I need to break the tie to rules where they need the breaking.

Work Out: I have shared about this on here before, but my Peloton is a daily dose of sanity for me. Hopping on for even a 20 minute ride is so good for my headspace. I am a better mommy, wife, and boss when I take the time to get a quick sweat in. I love my bike and truly think it’s worth every penny spent.

What hobbies or life commitments can you make to bring back YOU. Whether you’re a momma trying to carve out space to feel like you each day or a working lady juggling the office and friendships, we can all commit to doing 5 things for ourself that make us our best self!

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