Hannah Morrison

What’s On My Registry For Baby #3

I cannot believe it, but here we are… about two months out from baby girl CC and I am so excited! However, not anywhere near ready haha. As my third born and first girl, we are having to start over in a lot of ways. We either have to replace because it’s 5 years old now OR need girl clothes and can’t recycle very much of the boys’ things. I still stand by our Baby Jogger and will be using it! And our infant carseat is still within use years for her, so we are set for that from our travel system. We’ve had our City Lux stroller since Knox, and I love it so much. With two, we added the second seat on the front! We have two of this stroller simply because I worked with Baby Jogger a couple years ago and we ended up getting gifted their newest version of City Lux, but our original from 2017 has held up just as well! WE also will be doing the Snoo rental again because it worked wonders for us with Rory!

You’ll find I am just about the most minimal mom on the planet, and I don’t do a whole lot of extra or frivolous stuff. I believe in a quality crib, quality glass bottles, and approximately 1 trillion onesies. I don’t do bottle or wipe warmers or even a diaper trashcan because the one in your kitchen does just fine. Below is girly’s room and the things I am registered for!

I will be painting CC’s trim and doors Bubble Shell by Behr and her ceiling/bathroom ceiling Pink Elephant. The hope is to do an accent wall with her crib with that beautiful Loveshackfancy wallpaper!

26 week pregnancy update

Wow, you guys… can you even believe I am entering into my third trimester? I feel this pregnancy has flown by in so many ways, and I just feel so excited. I cant wait for labor! I laid in my bed with tears last night just telling Paul I can’t believe we are ACTUALLY getting this baby and we will actually hold her. I think majority of this pregnancy has been exactly that, having to remember this isn’t a dream and it’s really happening. Pregnancy and life after a miscarriage is wildly unexpected and grief-filled. I can feel out of body at times and my recovery has been filled with a variety of emotions from anger, anxiety, and grief mingled together with joy and giddiness for the baby growing healthy in my belly. I touched on this a bit once in my stories in just a Q&A with y’all, and it seems there are quite a few of us in this community who could benefit from talking a little about it.

How am I doing?

While I haven’t yet shared a ton of detail about my delivery of Blakely and then my triggers after loss, I have known I wanted to at some point but haven’t felt quite ready. In fact, some of it feels incredibly scary to share while others are embarrassing. Trauma can make you do crazy things, and in the months directly following the birth and loss of Blakely, I found myself doing things I couldn’t believe were happening. It also all felt so confusing to be experiencing so much anxiety and grief alongside the joy of being pregnant again. To put it in short, I feel so happy right now. I am so thrilled and excited to have CC and I weep every time I envision holding her for the first time after delivery. Since making it to about 25 weeks, I have felt such a relief. I didn’t even realize what a daily pressure I felt from anxiety until it was released, and I can’t believe how much freer I feel. I am praying for another successful VBAC like I had with Rory and, as always, plan to labor from home for as long as possible. I labored to 6cm with Rory from our home and Paul actually had to convince me I was actually in labor because I wasn’t convinced… haha. So all this to say in regard to CC, I am so excited and I cannot wait. Making it to viable weeks changed things drastically for me mentally.

PTSD & Triggers

Okay, so the tougher stuff… but I want to share because of the amount of you who asked me to. So many of us have walked this journey of loss. And if sharing my experiences helps you navigate your own, I am happy to. I feel like I am in a place I can now. Brief background, Blakely was a surprise pregnancy. Like… MAJOR surprise. I found out I had a severe hematoma over my cervix while in Alabama at 12 weeks pregnant for a conference with our church planting network, ARC. I bled heavily after feeling sick and uncomfortable all day and we rushed to the hospital. This is how we found out so early we were having our long awaited and prayed for, Blakely Amelia.

We got home to my doctor and she confirmed everything the hospital in Alabama told me, and I began fighting for my baby. I was on bed rest and was seemingly doing great. I think trigger #1 for me in my current pregnancy is that with Blakely, aside from my first big bleed… I was seemingly doing great and things were getting better… until they weren’t. I stopped bleeding and felt good. Out of fear that I would feel tricked again if a loss did happen, I have felt incredibly emotionally guarded with this pregnancy up until really this week. I feel for the first time in the last week or so, “Wow, I think this is actually going to happen and I am actually going to have this baby.” … I am almost 27 weeks.

After losing Blakely, one of my first very traumatic experiences that I have felt so embarrassed to share was starting my first cycle post loss. I actually convinced myself I was losing another baby and dug through the toilet for them. This is incredibly difficult for me to share. But trauma has zero logic and I have processed this with counseling and friends, so I feel ok to share now. I literally wept digging through the toilet trying to find the pieces of my baby I convinced myself I must have just lost.

The amount of times I have ran to the bathroom, particularly the first trimester, is numerous. From when I bled in Alabama in public for the first time to the incredibly traumatic way I delivered Blakely in the middle of a hallway at L&D, I constantly needed to make sure I wasn’t bleeding or worse. I had phantom deliveries where I could feel the same sensation of delivering Blakely.

One time, Knox and I were making strawberry popsicles less than a month after I lost Blakely. We had these popsicle molds that were little bunnies and cowboys. I almost passed out and puked when I pulled them out of their molds, because it was unreal how much the mold looked like the dead baby I had held weeks before. Size, color, everything. It was too much to handle and I couldn’t believe a popsicle triggered me. I said it before and I will again, I have always believed life [whether planned or not] within the womb is life. And now, I believe it more than ever. Blakely wasn’t a life because I wanted her to be, she was a life because she had full hands, legs, a heartbeat, a face, and eyes at just 13.5 weeks and I held that life in my hands for hours.

Twice this pregnancy I have been to large gatherings for ARC. Early on at 6 weeks pregnant and then again for conference in Charleston last month. Both times I came on the verge of a panic attack and actually almost walked out of the auditorium. I had to force myself to think logically and breathe, remembering my baby is healthy and safe, and it wasn’t being at an ARC conference that killed Blakely.

Grief is nuts. In addition to trauma like the scenarios above, I also experienced depression and anxiety. Both of which I presume to be expected in some capacity after loss. I began having intrusive thoughts again like I had postpartum with Knox when I was diagnosed with PP OCD/Anxiety. I couldn’t sleep at night because I was convinced my sons would die. In the immediate months following my loss, I also had incredibly heartbreaking relationship losses in my family over differences of faith and medical decisions. I was so blindsided and hurt. The timing felt cruel. I got to a point so low I started wondering if everybody was going to die or leave me. Again… this is so vulnerable for me to share. As a pastor’s wife and leader of our church, I have felt so afraid to share these things from fear it could discredit me. You know what I mean? Like, why would people want to hear me talk about Jesus if I was struggling so much. BUT, truth is, Jesus is LITERALLY the only reason I can write today about this and say I made it. Not once in my heartache last fall or over the last year did I question my faith. It was my faith that kept me grounded.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I was a mess. I felt everything I have felt in my prior 3 first trimesters significantly more. I was hyper aware of everything and was afraid I had multiple conditions that would lead to loss. I hated my first trimester because I literally couldn’t enjoy it. We also had to navigate another pregnancy with Knox and he kept saying this baby wouldn’t go to heaven like the last one. We welcomed questions about Blakely and still get them. It was very difficult to speak positively about this pregnancy to Knox when I, myself, was so afraid. But, we have taught Knox through loss and this life currently growing in my tummy that God makes us and knows how long we will live before we are even born. We have explained that Blakely just wasn’t going to make it to this side of my tummy, and while that makes us sad and angry, God knew what we needed and her life was perfect even though it wasn’t what we wanted. You would be amazed what kids are able to hear and process even at just 4 years old. His profound understanding of Heaven and God through this is mind blowing.

When I found out at 10 weeks I had another hematoma with my current pregnancy, I had a major breakdown. I was angry and I yelled at God through gut wrenching groans the entire way home. I had to do weekly checkins for the next 3 weeks to see if my hematoma was shrinking or growing, and mustering up the courage to lay on the bed again for a sonogram each time was painful and felt like reliving trauma every single time. The day we found out my hematoma was gone was the best day and I felt hope for the first time in 10 weeks that this pregnancy might just work.

Friend, if you are walking the journey of pregnancy loss and/or pregnancy after miscarriage, please hear me loud and clear: Whatever you’re feeling, it’s valid. I don’t think there is anything somebody can say to you to prepare you for grief like this. But, I think what is most encouraging is to just know you’re not alone. And, that the things you may be facing are quite normal. However, no matter how normal, don’t do it alone. Find counsel, find best friends to share with, and do not process this internally alone. Miscarriage is incredibly isolating as it is, and the trauma can only further isolate you if you’re not careful. Miscarriage makes you feel alone and like nobody understands the grief you feel, because you are the only person in the world who knew that baby you’re grieving. You’re the only person who had a connection to them as they lived inside of you. I always wondered why women who spoke of their miscarriages used the word “lonely” but I get it now. It is incredibly lonely, because while others around you grieve the dream of the baby you were carrying… you truly felt and knew that baby within you in a way not a single other person could.

From the moment I got a positive test, I choose to approach this pregnancy day by day. I wake up and thank God for another day to carry this baby, regardless of if they will make it outside of my belly. I honor them, their life, and the connection we have for as long as I get to have it. That is how I have made it 26 weeks, and I hope that encourages any of you navigating a rainbow pregnancy after loss. Every day is a gift, so as much as you can, treat it as such.

You are loved and you are not alone. If you know somebody walking the journey of grief and pregnancy after loss, please share this with them. There is such hope and encouragement in knowing other people’s stories of grief and redemption.

Rainbow Pregnancy Announcement

Well, at this point, you’ve probably heard we are expecting our rainbow baby girl this September. I cannot believe the kindness of God to give us this gift, and we found out she was a girl the week we should have brought home our daughter Blakely who we lost in August. Every detail of our story is so divinely touched by the Lord and we just feel so grateful. I couldn’t imagine a more beautiful backdrop to shoot a rainbow baby girl than this incredible set up at Lemon Drop Studios in Mckinney, TX. The set was designed by Sidewalk Dreamery and they have it as a special pop-up for the spring on one side of the studio. Our girl’s name will mean “Blooming Mercy” and this set, which we booked before we knew what the gender was, couldn’t have been a more tangible picture of this baby in my belly. Paul and I both cried shooting these photos because we just are so thankful. We cannot wait to meet this beautiful girl.

I found this dress for $38 on Amazon, and it was PERFECT for photos. I went up a size from XS to Small for length and I am glad I did. It’d be so cute for any shoot (I barely have a bump still, so it’s definitely not maternity but certainly could be if you go up a size.

Our photos are by Hannah Hagaman, as per usual, from The Cottonwood Collective. She has been shooting my family for seven years, and it’s just always so fun. As always, I love to share our full photoshoots with you in a post to inspire your own beautiful family photos. If you invest in anything “frivolous” in life, photos are the top of the list for me. You won’t regret it and they’ll last forever. Like, these are the kind of things family long after you go will look at and remember you and the legacy you built by. Also, I believe quality images in your home are an easy way to elevate the space while simultaneously making it feel like yours. Put these in some affordable metal frames and you instantly have an elegant display!

All of our outfits are linked if possible. Rory’s top and shoes are Zara Baby and Paul’s top is UNTUCKit Wrinkle Performance. He says, “Best shirt ever made. EVER.” His boots are Tecovas Roper Boot.

Exclusive Pumping Q&A

Well y’all, I have never been asked so many specific questions about something before! I realized over the last 4 months as I have casually mentioned I exclusively pump to feed Rory that it’s not so simple and (in some cases) something other mommies didn’t know was okay to talk about. I am the #1 advocate for FEED YOUR BABY. Breast fed, bottle fed, formula… whatever you do… do it and do it proudly. You, momma, are a rockstar. You grew a human inside you, brought that human into this world, and work tirelessly to keep that human alive all day… Like, woah. You’re amazing.

With this all said, I rounded up the most asked questions I have received about exclusively pumping to hopefully help some of you with your own feeding journey. For starters, I have been an exclusive breast feeder, hybrid, and now exclusive pumper. I have pretty much done it all, and I am an open book about it. With Knox, I had to FIGHT for a supply and was exclusively breast feeding for the first two months. But, we just weren’t getting enough for him so I started adding formula to the mix with bottles at night and eventually adding a scoop or two to his breast milk as I weaned off of breast feeding. We did breast milk until almost a year with Knox, but about 4 months of it was pumping.

Why do you exclusively pump?

First, having breast milk on hand and doing bottles in addition to feeding has worked really well for us. It’s allowed Paul the ability to help with night feedings for both boys, and allowed us to really carry the burden equally together so we could both get sleep and take turns. We are both entrepreneurs and business owners, so we a. work non-stop jobs but also b. have the flexibility to take turns.

My plan with Rory was to breast feed again and hopefully with fattier milk to be able to avoid formula for as long as possible. To be super honest, though, I really don’t like breast feeding. *gasp* I don’t feel like I need it to feel connected to them, and in fact enjoy seeing their face better with the bottle. So when Rory ended up in the NICU the whole first week of life, starting night 1, I had to start exclusively pumping almost immediately. When you have a baby in the NICU, the nurses pretty much tell you to go home… I slept with Rory the first night but caught on they didn’t want me there as much as I was, and they had their reasons for it. I tried honoring their request as much as possible… but still went up for hours every day. Having a baby in the NICU is just freaking hard.

That said, I had 1. to pump milk to bring up to them to feed Rory with for when I wasn’t present to breast feed and 2. had a HECKUFA supply. I nearly lost all my baby weight that first week because I was pumping 90-100+ oz a day, y’all. [Random fact: 22 calories an ounce is what you burn]. Both a blessing and a curse, to be honest. By the time we brought Rory home, he was so well-trained on the bottle and I didn’t feel like fighting to breast feed, so I just ran with exclusively pumping!

How do you establish a supply?

As somebody who had a very difficult time with supply the first time around, I do really feel like I have something for you to try due to the STARK contrast of supply my second time around. I started pumping at 37 weeks, and began getting colostrum almost immediately in small doses. Then at 38.5 weeks I started eating MiracleMilkookies a few times a week. I believe I had 5 by the time I delivered, and my supply was already almost FULLY in by night 1 with Rory. I was pumping 8-10 oz. of COLOSTRUM y’all. All my nurses who came in were baffled by it.

Because I was getting SO MUCH MILK a day (normal pumping is like… maybe 25-40 oz. a day – I was consistently doing on average 100), it was only a matter of time until I got mastitis. And, boy, I got it BAD. My left side was nearly completely shot dry. I was getting maybe 3 oz. a day all of a sudden while my right side was still producing as normal. After a few weeks of pumping/or keeping the Haakaa on what felt like ALL DAY LONG to get anything I could, my supply started to build back up. But, it hasn’t returned to my original supply amount (but I am actually thankful for that).

How Often Do You Pump?

At first, every 3 hours 24/7. If I went too long after letdown, it was bad news and I had to work harder to get it all out. I tried my best to start pumping WHILE I felt the tingling of letdown. After Mastitis (in September), I dropped one pumping a night (the 11 PM) so that I could start getting a bit more rest. I literally was going to bed at like 7 PM and waking up around 2 AM to pump and then again at 5 AM, etc.

Scheduling Pump Times

It really just develops off your body’s natural rhythms at first, and then making sure you’re following the every 3 hours rule with letdown. It worked out where my pump times lined up exactly with feeding times, and they were like CLOCKWORK. This was sorta a drag in the beginning because it meant I was up at night every 3 hours no matter what [even if it was a “Paul feeding”]. Eventually I started to extend time in between for better sleep.

Storage

Breast milk is good frozen for a YEAR. It’s fridge life is 8 hours and “room temperature” is 4 hours. With that, we store my milk in Doctor Brown’s bags *not all bags are created equal!!!!*, and had SO MUCH that we had to keep in our spare freezer out in the garage in addition to 1/4 of our massive freezer in the main fridge. If you saw my stories, though… our garage fridge evidently died and we didn’t know. Our electricity briefly went out last week and we think it never came back on for that fridge. Y’all… I stopped counting how much I lost because it was too depressing. We are talking at least 2 months of overflow supply. SO, check your overflow freezer regularly. My biggest takeaway from that. *insert tears here*

Which pump do you use?

Well y’all, I have used it all… haha. Not really. But almost. With Knox, I had the Ameda that my insurance covered. It was great, but SO FREAKING LOUD. I got rid of it after I stopped pumping with Knox. Then, I got the Elvie for Rory and LOVED IT. It was a game-changer. I told everybody about it… and then… it just stopped working one day. Like, legit starting spitting my milk out everywhere. Obviously, as an EP-er, that’s a huge deal. Because I was losing so much milk, I would shorten my sessions which was cutting my supply. It was bad. Long story short, Elvie Customer Service was a hellish ordeal (and y’all had SO MANY stories of the exact same issues with product AND customer service) and I had to FIGHT to get to return my product. I originally just wanted to replace it because I really did love the product. But, after my customer service experience, I demanded a refund. I returned the product last month and have yet to receive my refund. *They claim a 30 day grace period before you see your refund – so I will keep you posted)

The Evenflo Electric pump is a favorite one and I really enjoy having it on hand. It’s just not discreet, which is shocking after you’ve had the Elvie. You also have to replace the flaps, which I didn’t know at first, and is why I was having trouble with mine recently. I am sure their double electric is probably just as great and would suggest giving it a shot! While having trouble with my Evenflo last week, we purchased the Lansinoh double electric pump and I really like it so far!

ALL IN ALL: I love exclusively pumping. I am currently trying to build back up my supply, because of how much I lost in our dead freezer. I was starting to wean down to only 30 oz a day because between both freezers, I had about 4 months of milk + my daily pumps. Basically, I was already prepping for weaning off pumping. Womp. So, it’s back to Miracle Milkookies and pumping a bit more frequently again to restock some spare. Pumping isn’t for everybody just like breast feeding isn’t. You  make the choice for YOU. Do what’s best for YOU. If you’re a WFHM or have an office job, though (but EP-ing is NOT exclusive to only those categories!), I hope this helps because I really believe pumping makes it easier to still fully give your baby breast milk if that’s something you feel committed to providing while you go back to work. You can do this, momma!

Rory’s Successful VBAC Birth Story!

I cannot believe how fast this month has flown by. I don’t know if it’s because Rory’s first week was in the NICU, so we’ve really only had 3 weeks at home with him? But, either way, it’s gone fast. Rory has already gained so much weight and is doing amazing! He was born so tiny – 6 lbs 3 oz and is already 8 lbs 6 oz. The boy can E A T. And we’ve had absolutely NO apnea episodes since coming home. We feel so lucky to have a growing healthy boy.

I have been waiting for a moment to write this story for you guys… and well, I have a toddler and a newborn… So here we are a month later and still no post. I know y’all understand 😉 But, as so many of you walked through Knox’s birth with me and then now as I have been open about my desire for a VBAC with Rory, I want to share this story and celebrate with you. And, if you are also looking to have a VBAC, hopefully encourage you! It can be scary when you hear the potential issues of a VBAC and have “the talk” about the risks if you tear during labor. We really weighed the options and discussed a scheduled c-section or VBAC quite a bit. Both would get us our boy, which is the end goal no matter what! But, there was a deep desire in me to delivery vaginally. I wanted that experience if my body would allow it. So, we decided with our team of doctors early on in my pregnancy that we wanted a VBAC but were completely open-handed to whatever they felt was necessary throughout the process.

Fast forward to 36 weeks:

At 36 weeks, I started having very painful contractions. I was actually fully convinced I was having this baby early. For weeks, I was having preterm labor. And having been through 30 hours of labor before, I knew these contractions were getting high on the pain scale. But, after weeks of laying awake with no sleep and timing my contractions, I was still pregnant and getting real angry about it. And freaking exhausted. Finally at one of my appointments I brought up honestly how painful my “braxton hicks” were and my midwife suggested we do a UTI test. At this point, I had not mentioned ANYTHING to her. I know… I am silly. I just have a fear of being told nothing is wrong and being embarrassed by that. It’s a deep issue… a long story of my childhood before I got diagnosed with food allergies lol. No need to go into that today. But, I definitely carry a fear of doctors telling me I am exaggerating or making stuff up. Thus, I end up with UTIs for 3 weeks, pregnancy tumors the size of China for 3 months before having to have it surgically removed, and … well, a lot of other stories of me not being honest with doctors and having a way worse situation than if I had just told them the truth.

Finally, my last week of pregnancy, I had antibiotics and was no longer having contractions AT ALL. It was sorta a bummer and sorta a relief since it allowed me some time to catch up on my weeks of no sleep. Second, my due date was a little bit of a toss up since we weren’t 100% certain when my last cycle was. I had been tracking ovulation on an app before I got pregnant and had the 13th, which is what I also measured as for the due date my first sono. But, according to what I guessed was my last cycle, it landed me at the 18th. I am irregular and couldn’t for the life of me remember my last start date. So, I was either 5 days late or delivered ON my due date.

Labor:

I went to bed the 17th, discouraged like all the other nights I went to bed still pregnant, and praying God would PLEASE get this baby out of me. I woke up at 6 AM the 18th and felt crampy, but I wasn’t certain if it was UTI stuff or labor. I had already lost my plug over a week before and knew I should be going into labor any moment, but I was so convinced it wasn’t happening. Ever. (Ok, that’s dramatic.) Anyways, about 30 minutes later it became very clear to Paul these were labor pains. Yes, I said Paul. I was still not convinced… as I am pacing up and down our bathroom and having to sway during contractions. Like I said, I have a fear of being told nothing is wrong… lol. I did NOT want to go up to the hospital and go through all the COVID screening and testing to be told I wasn’t in labor. The more Paul told me it was time, the more fearful I got of having to be in the hospital and do the COVID stuff, wear masks while I tried to breath during the hardest workout of your life, etc. I started to bawl. I told him I didn’t want to go and wanted to deliver at home… hahaha. Not even an option as a high-risk VBAC. So, well, that got nixed real fast.

I turned on my worship and began laboring in the mindset that it was in fact labor. I calmed myself, began breathing in rhythm, and got focused. If you’ve ever been in labor, you know that half the battle for a successful delivery is your mindset. So much of labor is mental. Then at 8 AM it was definitely time for us to go. I couldn’t believe how quickly we seemingly progressed. My birth plans for both boys were to labor from home for as long as possible. And, in my defense, I honestly had labored from home for 3 weeks.. lol. But on the day of birth, it was just an hour and a half before we had to hit the road! We arrived at the hospital and pulled up to the ER, which is the only entrance allowed right now to the hospital. The nurses rolled up a wheelchair asking why we were there… and I think I was a few words I won’t say when it seemed rather obvious to me why the heck we were at the hospital. They had to screen me before rolling me to a triage room to confirm I was, in fact, in labor. So they took my temperature and asked me a bunch of questions in between contractions and murmurings under my breath (lol), and they rolled me to the next room for more questions and more vitals. Again, a little nervous they would tell me to go home. Then, when they felt I was in fact in labor, they called the L&D to come get me. It was not long at all for them to see I was having contractions every two minutes… Being a “COVID mom” is just so weird. It was such an odd experience trying to get to L&D.

From here, it was honestly a dream! They got me in my gown and checked me to tell me I was already over a 4. I was shocked. When I arrived in active labor with Knox, I was not even a 1… and they ALMOST sent me home. *omggggggg, it was awful* So to be told I was already a 4.5+ was an answered prayer. I was progressing and felt like this VBAC might actually freaking happen. My body seemed to be doing exactly what it was supposed to! I labored in the bed while they got me in the system, which took FOREVER, and before we knew it I was a 7. Legit like an hour or so later. Once I got to just shy of an 8 they had the epidural come in. My birth plan with Knox was non-medicated in a hospital, and after 9 hours of labor I had to get the epidural because I did not progress at all and my body was starting to struggle way too much (amidst 8 minute contractions and Knox’s heart rate dropping significantly each one). Once I got the epidural with Knox, my body progressed. Although, if you know Knox’s story, my body never went past a 6 because he was just not gonna come vaginally. You can read his story, here.

So, I decided early on in my pregnancy with Rory that in an attempt for a VBAC, I wanted an epidural to give my body every chance of progressing on its own to successfully deliver. I was super pumped that I had labored to an 8 on my own, though. It felt like sweet redemption in a lot of ways. My body COULD do this.

After my epidural I stalled out for a couple hours at an 8, and then before we knew it I was a ten and it was time to start pushing. I was at a 9.5 and my midwife did something where she turned and flipped Rory a bit and it was go-time. It’s actually all a blur from here because it was so fast. We thought they were joking when they started scrubbing. It felt so chill haha. Here’s where things got a little scary… There were moments throughout my labor where Rory’s heart rate dropped but then went right back up, so they weren’t concerned. But, it did make them watch him closely. Then, when it came time to push Rory’s heart rate dropped instantly and never came back up. We went from chill and laughing to tense in .2 seconds in the delivery room. After a few minutes and a big push, my midwife was clearly concerned and started saying she needed the hospitalist immediately. I knew something was wrong. She looked at me and said, “Okay, Hannah. I know this is weird, but I need you to give me everything you’ve got in this push or we have to do a c-section.” I was so confused!!! EVERYTHING had gone so smooth and so perfectly up to this point. And all of a sudden I was maybe going to have to have a c-section? I was so taken aback. So, I freaking pushed with everything I had in me. And… 13 minutes from start to finish, Rory was born. I pushed 5 times total – a vacuum to aid me on the final two. They told me I did in 13 minutes what most women do in two hours. I pushed so hard my eyes were swollen afterward… BUT RORY CAME! My whole labor time was just a little over 8 hours – a far different story than my 30 with Knox.

That moment they first passed my baby to me on my chest was the most incredible feeling. I DID IT. I didn’t have a c-section and my baby was crying and responding just as he was supposed to. I had successfully delivered a VBAC.

From there, you know things got tough for us if you follow me on IG. In short, everything was seemingly perfect, but because Rory was so tiny, he was technically “underweight” for his length. So protocol for a small baby is to test glucose levels every 3 hours. Rory was testing low and initially was taken to the NICU for glucose levels. But they assured us it was nothing and they would just do a sugar saline to boost his levels and he should level out. We were a little concerned, but other than the disappointment of my baby being taken from me night 1, we felt like things were totally okay. Then, we found out that once Rory was taken to the NICU… his glucose levels were literally perfect. Like… in the 60s but for 12 hours before that he was in the 20s. It made no sense. Before he even had the IV set up or anything, he was testing perfectly. The NICU nurses apparently were even asking and trying to confirm Rory was supposed to be there. It made no sense. But, since there had been 12 hours of incredibly low levels… he had to stay.

And, thank God for that.

The next morning as I was getting dressed and prepared for us to all be discharged I heard somebody walk in and ask to speak to Rory’s mom and dad. All I could hear was “Rory stopped breathing.” I literally was half dressed and ran out frantically to find the Nurse Practitioner for the NICU in our room. He explained to us that a nurse happened to be in the room with Rory watching his glucose levels again (which were perfect) and he stopped breathing, turned blue, and had to be resuscitated. I was horrified and began to weep. Immediately, all the perfect things that had happened and felt like were closing a chapter I so desperately wanted to move on from in our life were all of a sudden tossed in my face and rubbed in with salt. WHY, GOD? This MUST be a joke. Surely this isn’t happening. Surely I am dreaming.

Rory was having apnea episodes that are fairly common for NICU babies who are preterm. However, I had a full term baby and it made no sense at all. There were multiple times I held Rory and he turned gray blue in my arms. It was absolutely horrifying. The doctor said he was actually baffled by Rory, because everything was seemingly perfect about him. He had “no guide for how to navigate this situation.” Awesome… every parent wants to hear that.

So, for a week, we tried everything. We tested for everything. We prayed hard. Cried a lot. Screamed in the car. And begged God to let us bring home Rory. We also happened to have an underlying stress that our insurance was ending at the end of the month… So not only was I concerned about my child but I was starting to worry about the timeframe they were preparing us for and the potential we could be in the NICU without insurance. I was so overwhelmed. But, I clung to the truth God didn’t bring us through the wilderness the last 6 months to hurt us. He had been our defender this far, and he wasn’t going to stop.

Eventually, Rory’s episodes grew further in between and for shorter timespans. Every morning at 5 AM, or really whatever un-Godly hour of the morning we woke up, we would call the NICU asking if Rory went without an episode. “No, he had one at “x” time and then another at “y.” Every morning we called was a punch to our gut.

Then, we called one morning and they said, “No episodes over night!” We were thrilled. Now we had to go 24 hours without one and we could hopefully bring him home. Obviously, we made it the 24 hours because we got to go home with our beautiful baby boy on his 1 week birthday, and we haven’t had an episode since. They still have no explanation for why they happened, but I do believe with everything in me God had his glucose levels drop to get him in the NICU so that a nurse would see him stop breathing. I will never understand the mysteries and intricacies of God, but I do know He makes all things work together for our good. It was GOOD that Rory was taken from us night 1 with an odd case of seemingly perfect glucose levels.

So, we have Rory Liam at home. He is perfect. Knox loves him deeply. We love him so overwhelmingly. And, we are moving forward in our life with a greater understanding of God, our protector king through our son.

 

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