Marriage

How We Changed The Way We Fight

February 6, 2018

Paul and I are celebrating 4 years of marriage in about a week. Bonkers! Time flies so fast.

When I think about each of the years individually that have led us to where we are currently at in our relationship, it’s almost hard to connect the dots. What I mean is that who we were 4 years ago to who we are now both as a couple and as individuals is so drastically different (praise God for that!) that it’s hard to see it as the same people in a lot of ways. I will speak for myself when I say that Hannah 4 years ago was a fresh college grad 21 year old who was (and still is) incredibly stubborn, had a lot of expectations for both marriage and life, and was unsure of what she wanted to do. This caused a lot of bitterness, feeling depressed, and just feeling overall joyless. We were living in a sparsely filled loft with about one whole penny to our name on a good day. We didn’t live together before marriage either, so let’s just say we had a lot of learning to do in every area in the midst of some of the most transitional years as early 20-somethings.

So how can I put this gently?… We were that newlywed couple who fought, and I mean A LOT.

Marriage was most shocking to me at first with the fact I had never felt comfortable enough with someone before to say how I actually felt. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, I have never felt so angry before in my life.” I am overall a very passive person and I avoid confrontation at all cost… that is until Paul. I can joke about it now, but geez, people surely must have thought we had full on beatings in our apartment behind closed doors. I vividly remember weeping in an empty bathtub in my pajamas with the door locked, because it was the only place in our loft that had a door. I would love to know how many times our neighbors just listened through our paper thin walls to our fights. It was a spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausting season of life, and above all else we knew this wasn’t what we wanted in marriage- fighting daily- but we didn’t know how not to. Big picture, it boiled down to not knowing how to give a little on both ends to meet in the middle. For me, I had a whole lot of expectations and circumstances I wanted control of but just couldn’t get the reins on. Does this sound familiar to any of you? I am here to say first and foremost that if you FEEL stuck in your marriage, like there will never be resolution to whatever that fight is that you have daily-weekly-monthly, I promise there is always an end. And then, there will surely be a new battle on the horizon to face, but there is always an end to them.

The feeling of being stuck is real, but it’s also 100% an attack from the enemy to make you believe there is no way out. The enemy says leaving is the only solution to when things get this hard, but that’s just a bunch of crap. Truth is, if you always leave when it gets hard, you’re always going to find what you are running from in every new attempt. You can either stay and duke it out over and over deeply rooted with one person you know loves you and wont leave, or have a whole bunch of wounds from every person you try to have the perfect relationship with. (pssst, it doesn’t exist) Faithfulness is found in staying rooted. (Paul preached on this last night, and I thought it was pretty darn good ;)) There is always resolution if and when you choose to stay and meet in the middle.

God is a God of restoration, and he hates when there is brokenness. Love is sacrifice- God sent Jesus to die on the cross. It’s compromise- Jesus left heaven for humanity in order to save us. And though I will not say Paul and I are experts by any means, I will say our marriage has changed drastically over the last 4 years and I believe that what we’ve learned can help you. If you’re a newlywed looking for a spark of hope, I hope our story encourages you and that these things we have done gives you the energy to move forward and fight FOR one another.

Same Team: Almost always our fights went a lot like a boxing match. It was him in one corner and me in the other, and neither of us were willing to budge from our stance. We were listening to each other only for our next great comeback. It took about two years in, but when Paul and I started taking a step back and reminding each other, “Hey, I am on your team and want to figure this out with you”, it changed entirely how we attack a disagreement. We are no longer attacking one another, but rather the dispute that’s come up and is putting a wedge between us.
Tone: Listen, I am the master of sass. I am really good at letting Paul know I am mad at him, and giving great verbal and physical cues that he is on my “bad list” right now. I hate to admit that, but I really can be like that. What I have learned is that tone is everything. How I tell Paul I am mad will either check him in or out of my concern, hurt, or frustrations. If you want your spouse to respect your emotions, you can’t beat them up in the process. Sure, we are human, but taming of the tongue is not only biblical but it’s the best plan. The Lord tells us to use our lips wisely, and that they can be sweet as honey. They can either put out or set fires, both from the same origin.
Letting Go: I get it, if you’ve made your mind up about a certain way of doing things or why ‘x’ is not going to work, it’s really hard to let go. But, here’s the best and most freeing news ever, not everything needs to be called out. Not everything is as “sinful” as you think it is. Some stuff that gets under your skin might in fact just be annoying… As a spouse, you’re called to refine and make one another holier. How the dishes are placed or your hubby maybe always forgetting where he put his keys, these are not sins. Let go of always correcting one another. I love this line- Mercy triumphs over judgement. Stop judging where you spouse is at in their journey of x,y, and z. Extend grace upon grace, mercy for mercy. Forgive as we have been forgiven. Bottom line… you don’t deserve any of the forgiveness you’ve been extended from your creator, and we are called to mimic that love as believers.
Pray For You First: When my prayer life is all about how other people can change to better convenience me, that’s the perfect set-up for a whole lot of disappointment. Someone recently said in a sermon I was listening to, “If your prayers all came true, would it change other people’s lives or just make things “easier” for you?” DANG- soak that in for a second… When I stopped praying for Paul to just stop doing ‘x’ or get better at ‘z’, and started asking God to remove silly worries and my need to control… DANG did my life become a lot more free. There is liberty in asking God to remove the planks from our own eyes first. He doesn’t say that in scripture (Matthew 7:5) just because God wants us to feel bad and focus on our own sins. He wants us to remove the plank from our own eyes first, because there is so much more life waiting for us when we do.
Mentors: If you find yourself praying for your heart, letting go of silly worries and annoyances, and have attempted to work out a dispute together and just cannot seem to get on even ground, take it to trusted mentors. Some of the best conversations that have moved us forward in arguments that seemed to have no end in sight have happened over the table with a couple we trust and love. When you come to one another/mentors, the best way to find conflict resolution is to be humble and admit where you have failed in the process. Where have you hurt your spouse that you can admit to and ask for forgiveness in? What have you held onto that the grip can be loosened a bit on? Humility, y’all. It will save your marriage. Pride will destroy every good relationship you have in your life so fast. It will rot trust.

There are so many other things and little details I could write about I suppose, but these are the main actions I can say have personally changed the way I fight with Paul and how our marriage began to thrive over the course of 4 years. Instagram captures the “good stuff”, right? And, though we have a healthy marriage now and really are as mushy as Instagram shows we are, it is by no means perfect. We have to fight for one another daily, and we often say “Hey, I am on your team” when one of us says something sharp in response to circumstances. I have to shut my mouth to things that don’t actually matter, and then other times I totally fail at letting Paul be human. Marriage, relationships in general, are a constant pruning process. It’s a constant run trying to keep pace with one another side by side, but it’s worth the effort. It’s worth walking through the fire and trial.

xoxo, Han

All photos by Cottonwood Road Photography for The Cake by Hannah

My top is PERFECT for a casual date night for Valentines Day! It says “I am all yours” in french. 😉 You could pair this with some good denim, a pair of heels, and blazer for a bit more dressed up approach.

What Was and What Will Be

January 17, 2018

Hey Hey lovely Cake Community!

How are we doing today? It’s hump day, and I ain’t gonna lie… I have been dragging a little with a fussy babe who is a little off schedule from a long (but super fun!) weekend conference at our church. I left Knox for the first time with other people, down the hallway… but still, and it was really hard. I felt that mommy guilt, I had that postpartum anxiety for the first time to be super transparent, but it felt good and I know it was a necessary step to get completely back to normal. It felt so good to get back on stage leading worship. Sort of like that final puzzle piece that needed to be put back into place to feel 100% back to myself post-baby.

Ugh, new mommy stuff y’all. But enough about that, because I am SO EXCITED about this new year. There is so much new in my life in all areas, and I have been dreaming a lot about how to take our community to the next level. We have to keep in touch better through all the crazy Instagram changes (derp), and besides, who wants our community and contact to be limited to squares.. am I right?

This year, I will be sending out weekly emails with words of encouragement, scripture and devos, things I am reading and loving, and by being signed up for my emails you will be the first to know about new products and limited collections in the shop. You’ll never miss any new posts, because I will make sure you know what came out since the last email was sent and we will basically feel like best friends. 😉

As we move forward to all the new things, I have taken into account my top posts up to this point on The Cake by Hannah as a way to gauge what to bring for you this year. You all have sent me a lot of DMs and commented on posts I asked you about what you’d like to see on The Cake, and it ranges from fashion to what I am eating to mommying, and (most important to me) my faith and marriage.

So, first off, how do you sign up for my emails?

It’s real simple. On the right-hand side of this post is “Sign Up For Emails From Hannah” and “Subscribe”. Signing up for emails from me is going to get you my weekly, personal emails with thoughts/products/devos/etc. (this is the sweet stuff!). If you want an automatic email that simply let’s you know when I have a new blog post go live, that’s the “Subscribe” button. I suggest both, because I will have new posts go live different days than my personal emails. Easy enough, yeah?

(You are looking for this)

Now, let’s wander down memory lane a little.

Below are my top posts of 2016 and 2017. Say whaaa?! In the middle of the whole “I just had a baby” thing, I totally missed my blogiversarry. So happy birthday to The Cake by Hannah! You have made this small town girl’s dreams of writing and encouraging people for a living a reality, and I am so grateful.

Positive Body Image ft. Kortni Jeane Swimwear- This has been my top read post (next to my Gender Reveal Party) for two years straight now… sounds like we ALL are on the same page about loving our skin and cheering others on! Read here.
Gender Reveal Party- This has gone viral on Pinterest and I don’t even know how… but it’s so fun to hear from so many of you doing a similar box for your own parties!! LOVE IT. Check it out here.
Change of Plans- The story of our almost farmhouse I left a letter on the front gate for and how we got into our first home. Read here.
We are…- Announcing we were PREGNANT, which was the most exhilarating “Publish” I have ever pressed. It also somehow went viral on Reddit because someone posted I was a dumb Christian woman whose husband forces her to have kids. LOL. Thanks for the traffic, haters! Read here.
Welcome To Our House- The process of buying our first home and the scripture I held onto throughout the LONG process. Read here.
Nursery Reveal ft. DaVinci Baby- Our cute ‘classy safari’ themed nursery came out even better than I could have hoped, and I am so obsessed. I have ALL THE THINGS linked in this one. Read here.
How We Started Sleeping Through the Night With Our Newborn- One of my newest posts, I shared our routine with Knox and how we are sleeping on average 6 hours a night straight with our newborn baby. (SAY WHAT?! It’s true!) Read here.
Welcome Knox Chandler!– The (not so easy) story of how bubba came into the world. Read here.
Welcome To Our House- How we got into our first home. Read here.

Every Good and Perfect Gift

December 1, 2017

One year ago, as I was writing my Christmas cards and thinking on 2016, I was beyond grateful for a year of starting new things and slowing down drastically in other areas. A year ago, I was also coming out of/still enduring the hardest year of my life personally. But, I had finally launched my dream of The Cake Shop just weeks before as The Cake by Hannah continued to grow, and I was truly overwhelmed with excitement for 2017. I didn’t know what was coming, but I did know I had all the ingredients to have the best year of my life.

Let me tell you what… that seriously is exactly what I had. The absolute best year of my life.

Things have always been “good”, I have victory in all things because of Christ’s death and resurrection (1 John 5:4). I have just failed to recognize and be as grateful for what I have or what’s been done for me in other seasons as much as I have in this one. 2017 came after a year of personal storms, intense anxiety, and a lot of late nights filled with prayer asking God to show me what it is he really wants from me.

But friends, It’s always darkest before dawn. A daily surrender to my flesh, begging God to remove fear and anxieties is what 2016 felt like. It was exhausting, but what a beautiful dance it was.

In the surrender came life. 2017 brought blogging full-time for me and becoming a small business owner that has been both successful AND a fun outlet for my creativity. Paul and I chased after a crazy extensive plan of fixing up an old farmhouse that I left a letter on the gate of the year before to end up leaving that dream behind in order to buy our first home that was less of a doozy… because we found out we are expecting our first baby. We moved into our first home, bought our first family car, and have had the most life-giving year of marriage to date. We were laughing a couple nights ago as we drove to a date thinking about how if this is the difference 3.5 years can make in our marriage/life/finances… what on earth will 3.5 more years look like? By God’s grace, I pray it’s just as fruitful, just as life-giving, and just as stable. I find myself saying “thank you Jesus for your favor” daily, multiple times. We feel so beyond blessed by God. And, we know that we literally get to take Z E R O credit for absolutely everything that has panned out for us over the last year.

I mean that with everything in me- I truly recognize that without God’s favor and grace in our lives, we would not have had the year we just had. I spent an entire year worrying over things, and he could have very well been a God of no mercy who said, “Why in the world would I bless you and bring you the desires of your heart when you failed so badly at trusting me for so long?”

But that’s not the God I love, worship, and serve daily. I am constantly being wrung out and reshaped. The process never ends. I am an imperfect being in need of a perfect God.

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

So here I sit one year later, looking at Christmas card photos and addressing envelopes, and I cannot believe all that has unfolded over the last year and that we are days away from the arrival of our son. A year ago, having a baby was not even close to being on my radar. A year ago, I still didn’t want kids until I was 30. A year ago, I just wanted a home desperately and to finally do full-time what I felt called to do with my life- both of which I felt stuck in and trapped behind a wall that seemed impossible to get by. Debt that we needed to pay off, credit scores we needed to raise, money we needed to save, and so much more. (All of which we successfully, by the grace of God, accomplished- and with dance parties every time our credit jumped and debt was chipped away at!). I wanted to figure out a schedule with my husband that didn’t run me down ragged between multiple jobs. Funny how God works in the hearts of his children, and how he unifies husband and wife. Paul’s and my heart truly are knit together, and it’s so incredible how we get to watch our hopes, dreams, and desires align over time in perfect time. Not only did God bring to life the desires of my heart that I knew I wanted, but he brought immeasurably more than I could have ever hoped or imagined.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20

God is faithful. He cares about every detail.

There is so much to be thankful for, so much to see the Lord in. And, there always is. The whole earth is a reflection of his glory, and there is always much to worship the Lord in. I wish I could feel as much gratitude as I do now in all seasons. In seasons of overwhelming joy, and just as much in seasons of darkness, loneliness, angst, anxiety, or frustration.

I have kept the following scripture close to my heart as we prepare for Baby K to make his entrance into the world, and as I reflect on all of the amazing things that happened this past year for us:

“So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.” James 1: 16-18

Every good and perfect gift, every single thing we delight in on this earth, is from God. These gifts are extensions of his love and overwhelming glory. Every single bit of goodness, it’s his reflection, it’s his light. Nothing is given to us to hurt us, nothing is given to us to tease us. God is true to his word, he is good in all things and through all things, and gives freely because it’s just who he is. His grace is good, his love is limitless. Just like this child that Paul and I are about to have is an extension of the love we have for one another, so is every single good gift and day of life that we get from God.

God has been so good to us. 2017, it’s going to be really hard to beat you, but I can’t wait to see how 2018 somehow does. As for you, The Cake Community, who have truly become part of my life… thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for celebrating the highs with me and encouraging me in the lows. Thank you for loving this growing little family of mine, and I wish I could hug each and every one of you.

Merry Christmas, sweet friends.

xoxo- Hannah, Paul, Baby K, and Presley

Scroll for More Family Photos by Cottonwood Road Photography

Venue: The Nest at Ruth Farms

Paul’s Outfit:

Shirt | Chelsea Boots

Scroll to Bottom For Similar Dresses to Hannah’s

Similar Dresses to Hannah’s (The one pictured is out of stock):

FAQ Coffee Chat with Paul & Me

November 6, 2017

Hey y’all!!

I am so excited about today’s post, because I am doing something I have never done before. Rather than trying to keep emailing or sending back DM’s that are restricted to a certain amount of characters, I wanted to get on video with Paul to answer some of our most asked questions. These are q’s I get emails or DM’s about a couple times a week; from asking about ministry, being a pastor’s wife, marriage in general, dating, buying a home, setting up a budget… we get these kinds of questions way more than I could have ever expected or dreamt. First off, I am blown away by how much we DO get asked these kinds of questions, and I don’t take that lightly. That you would value what we have to say about marriage, babies, budgeting, buying your first home… that is so special to me and I just want to say “thank you” for trusting us and welcoming us into your lives. Like, what? That just blows my mind. When you email me asking for prayer about situations in your life, I want you to know I pray for you. I know your stories, I care about your heartache and frustrations, and I am cheering you on.

Alright so here we go! Rather than a big long written post that you’ll skip around in and skim through, here is a much more exciting way to hear our answers to allllll the questions.

Disclaimer: We are young, don’t have all the “right” answers, and learn daily how to better our marriage, faith, and life. On that same token, I do also believe in the truth that you only have to be a couple steps ahead of someone in a similar season to be able to help and speak into their situations. For example, I have now experienced pregnancy, therefore I can help my friends who will be pregnant in the future through their pregnancy by telling them what worked for me while also encouraging them to do what feels best for them. So, without saying we know or have all the answers (because dear Lord, we do not and that’s why we have mentors!), we are answering these questions to the best of our ability and what worked/works for US.

Take what we say and custom tailor it to your own life, relationship, marriage, budget… all the things!

I combined and narrowed down a lot of your questions to be able to keep this as general and concise as possible, while still answering with practical, in-depth steps of action you can take. And, bonus, you get to know my hubby better -I am obviously a big fan of his and want you to know him better- and maybe get to know us as a couple together better. So grab yourself a cup of coffee (or glass of vino- and drink one for me please?), cozy up on your sofa, and enjoy!

xoxo- Han

Outfit Details:

Exact jacket from Landry Kate

LK Instagram: @shoplandrykate

HUGE shoutout to our favorite videographer (and dear friend), Jordan Stratton, of Stratton Creative. If you need video content for your company, wedding, event, etc… he is your guy for sure.

Incredible content, incredible turn around time.. he’s just seriously so good.

Prepping for Baby Together

November 2, 2017

The days are flying by at this point, and thank goodness for that because my body is aching and I have never felt so ready to knowingly and willingly endure pain before in my life. Like, let’s just do this. I told Paul last weekend, “What if we all anticipated Jesus’ coming like we did to get a baby out of us by 34 weeks?!” All while in the middle of trying to put pants on and breathing heavy, because lung capacity is at an all time minimal amount currently, and it really was the thought I had haha. You just can’t make these things up. I have also definitely fallen over attempting to put pants on lately, so there’s that.

Moral of the story: Pants are always optional- especially while pregnant.

(But if necessary, these from the Ingrid & Isabel line at Target… holy smokes. So good.)

As Paul and I have gotten ready for baby- the car seat, nursery, birthing classes, hospital prep, etc.- we have also prepared emotionally the best we possibly can. We have valued every minute together and said “no” to a lot lately. If we can have an evening together, which isn’t often, we take it. We’ve done the nursery together, shopped for baby items together, and done as much as we can together. This is our baby and our new life, and it’s most certainly a team effort despite the fact I am the one carrying Baby K. Life is about to change as we know it, and we get that.

I have always known and believed you only fall more in love with your spouse as you grow older together. But, I didn’t expect to love him so much more and in so many new ways as I have throughout pregnancy. Sure, I figured I would love him in a new way as a dad once K is here, but being pregnant alongside my husband has grown a deep love for him that wasn’t there before. I didn’t even know I had space for it, and it’s been incredibly sweet to experience. I can’t hug or kiss him enough.

We have started to picture life with K around. At night we read a story from The Storybook Bible out loud to get into a new routine, and we talk to K a lot. We want his name to be on our lips and part of life before he’s even here. We pray for him as though he’s already here. We sit with Presley and let her sniff my belly, hear his name, and smell all of his tiny clothes and toys. His nursery has been free range for her to explore so that she, too, is as accustomed to this new tiny human that will be taking over all of our lives as best as possible.

So, to answer the question, “How have you prepared together emotionally for a baby?”

Well, it’s looked like taking every minute together we can, knowing now is the last of our time in our marriage we will ever be like this. It’s putting our phones down more than ever and feeling the baby move and kick together. It’s taking advantage of every opportunity we can to connect and do new things together. It’s going to the grocery store together, it’s being more intentional than ever to ask good questions at the dinner table. It’s stealing kisses whenever you get to, and it’s being blubbering babies together every time we finish something new in the nursery or see a little boy out and about or on television (For real, though. I have never seen Paul cry so much before until we were parents to be).

Preparing emotionally together for baby is just as important as prepping the home for baby. You can have all the best baby items, the best stroller, the best car seat, the top-rated mattress and monitors… but if you haven’t made baby part of your routine and life before he gets here in some capacity, I truly feel it only increases the shock of the new addition. Of course, we are first time parents. Of course, we can’t speak to that with full knowledge and I won’t even try to act like I know it’s true. But, it’s helped us prep for K. It’s made us excited and feel like he’s already part of our lives without even knowing him yet.

So there’s that. We’ve been incredibly intentional with time together, and have started to do life slowly but surely as though he’s here. There’s not a ton you can do to do that, but having his stuff around the house and making him present in the home before he’s here is something you can do.

We cannot wait to meet K! It’s crazy to think how close we are. Like, insane.