Marriage

8 Things That Changed Our Home and Marriage

August 22, 2019

Today is about something I feel really passionate about, and I hope it is helpful to you! Let me start this by saying Paul and I haven’t always had a “great” marriage (oy to our first year). Loved one another always. Communicated well? That’s a big fat NOPE. 😉

We have certainly had seasons we definitely were butting heads more than we were in sync, and even still we can *of course* have “off days.” But, I would say we are lightyears from where we started, best friends, and I truly would’t want to hang out with anybody else more than him. Our fights diffuse way quicker and we are on each other’s team! We’ve changed some things in our home and implemented routines that matter to us and have established for us a home culture that is peaceful, unified, and rooted in our faith. I really do believe (with counseling and mentorship!) that these are some practical ways our home has transformed into a peaceful and flourishing space for us and Knox to live.

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:29

This scripture is so good! Though it’s obviously not God speaking into relationships or our homes specifically, we are called to match God’s heart. And the more we take on his character of humility and gentleness, we will find peace! In our homes, our marriages, our friendships. Everything!

Our individual relationships with God spur one another on together- it’s not the other way around.

When we got married, we knew that we were both serious about our relationship with God. But, for us, we’ve really watched our marriage grow the more we’ve valued our personal quiet times with God. Asking one another questions about our prayer life, worries, fears, etc… these help us grow even closer. But, it starts with our own personal relationship and time with the Lord. And, the more we grow in Christ as individuals, the more our home and marriage changes. It’s all hand in hand.

Getting control of finances and spending.

Mo money, mo problems… right? But, no let’s get real for a second. Careless spending and a frustrating bank account can be a tension point for couples. It really is true! It’s not about how much, but are you spending what you have well? Learning how to manage money, wise investments, and a healthy budget has changed our lives! Seek help and I promise, you’ll be amazed. Again- it’s not about how MUCH. It’s about learning to be wise with what you have!

Say sorry, and you don’t always have to “win” or be understood.

Holla! This one is for me. Listen, I get it. If you are a justice seeker, the need to “win” a fight can be a downfall of ours because we feel so deeply moved by our convictions or frustrations. Our marriage changed when I stopped needing to win. And, frankly, so many of my battles were rooted in unmet expectations that weren’t worth a battle to begin with. This has been a game changer for MY life and my marriage. I am not angry about things I can’t control in my marriage or home like I used to be. This affects me and my personal health more than anybody or anything else! I just feel… lighter? It’s the best word I can find to explain how it feels to care less about things that just don’t matter.

Help one another, take on burdens (chores included!!).

Ain’t nothin’ sexier than an empty sink. But for real, I feel like we are in it together when we evenly take on the burdens and challenges of every day things. Groceries, chores in the home, paying bills. We split it all!

Serve the local church together.

“Hannah, you guys work at a church. Of course you do.” NAH, you can too. And it’s important you do. Whether you are leading a small group or serving as a greeter at the front door together, SERVE. Serve the church and serve the vision to bring more people “home” together. Nothing will unify your home more.

Spend time at least once a week intentionally catching up on things without any distractions- worries, excitements, schedules, etc.

I mentioned this briefly above, but ask one another intentional questions and sit down to for real talk at least once a week. We honestly do this just about every night at dinner together. This includes discussing our week together, our schedules, current joys and frustrations, etc. I feel like our home is less chaotic since we’ve started valuing this!

Pray together.

It doesn’t have to be fancy. We pray together laying in bed before we fall asleep. Paul will usually ask, “What do you want me to pray for tonight?” It can be 30 seconds or it may be significantly longer. But pray together!

Be best friends and find joy in life together.

Paul really is my best friend. I hate experiencing things without him! All of the above things I have mentioned have laid the foundation for this. It’s a journey and one that isn’t anywhere near perfected (and never will be!). But our home and marriage is significantly different because of these things, and I think they can work for you, too.

Take these and tailor them to your own family! Pick things you value together, and stick to them. Fight for goals together. Write them on your fridge… Whatever it takes! Your home WILL change as you implement unified values together.

xoxo,

Han

3 Things I’ve Learned After 3 Years of Marriage

June 12, 2019

Guys, I am SO pumped to introduce Carleigh officially to all of you not only as my ~~assistant~~ life-saver and Lead Media Manager for The Cake Media/The Cake Shop, but she is also now a weekly contributor to The Cake by Hannah. Her heart is pure gold, she is a 6 on the Enneagram, and is such a pivotal piece to everything BTS for The Cake. You’re going to LOVE HER. *insert applause here*

Hey y’all!! Carleigh here. I’m 25, have been married to my husband, Jay, for 3 years, and I’ve worked for Hannah for almost a year and am loving every. single. second. of it. I can’t live without cheese, Coke, and Gilmore Girls. And, I wouldn’t be where I am today without my husband, family and friends, and the grace of the Lord.

My husband Jay and I just celebrated our 3 year anniversary at the end of May! We went to Finest (where Hannah went back in October!) to celebrate, and needless to say it was perfect. We sat on the beach, drank pina coladas, got a little too sunburned, and got more time together than we have had in a long time. We’ve learned a lot the last 3 years, and I want to encourage all you newlyweds or soon-to-be marrieds with 3 things that really will change the course of your first years. I hope it helps you navigate this unknown territory you’re entering into.

Fight for time together.

You see this one a lot, and for a good reason, but it can be difficult to actually do. I mean, you most likely see your spouse at some point every day right? Isn’t that enough?

Nope. It really isn’t. Even if quality time isn’t your #1 love language (although it is mine ha!), it’s something that is essential to a healthy marriage. There is a HUGE difference between time and quality time. Trust me, this is a conversation that is had often in my house. You probably get time every day, but how often is it the kind that leaves you feeling connected, refreshed, and encouraged? Life is busy, like really busy, so if we don’t fight for that kind of time that allows us to connect as spouses then we simply aren’t going to get it. Figure out what that looks like for you. Is it carving out an hour after your evening winds down to talk, check-in, and just be together? Is it a weekly or monthly date night out (or in)? Is it a vacation or a weekend trip just the two of you? Whatever it is, make time for it as often as you can.

2. Support each other’s passions.

This one has been a huge lesson for me even in just the past year. Pretty much since I’ve been married, I’ve struggled to find my passion in life. Then, when I found it, I struggled with how to pursue it. There were a lot of ups and downs, and a LOT of emotions. But not for one second did I ever feel like Jay wasn’t there for me or didn’t support me. I’m pretty sure he didn’t really understand when I told him that my dream was to work for a blogger, especially when I always followed it with “ … but I don’t know how that will ever happen”, but that never kept him from encouraging me to pursue it.

Just the other day Amber Fillerup posted a poll on her stories asking who else was a “Fortnite wife” and I laughed out loud. If you don’t know, Fortnite is a video game that is wildly popular right now. My husband loves to play it, along with other video games. It’s his dream to be a streamer and a Youtuber, and he loves following other streamers and Youtubers like I love following bloggers. The problem is, I hate video games y’all. I just think they’re a waste of time. I’ve never appreciated that Jay spends time playing them, and I always chose to see it as something that was taking away from our time together, and not as something that he truly loved to do. That viewpoint has caused a lot of arguments in our marriage. Even through all the support I received, I didn’t support him in return. And it was a point of tension in our marriage because of that.

Finally, one day I decided to let go of my selfish viewpoint and just support him. It’s something he loves to do, something that allows him to be creative, and something that allows him to connect with his friends and make new ones. There’s nothing wrong with it even if I don’t understand it. Since the day I decided to just support his passion, I can honestly say we’ve grown a lot closer. We haven’t argued about it since, and it doesn’t even bother me anymore (most of the time… I’m still human haha). But, when it does I don’t voice it in the way I did before. It was a simple choice, like love so often calls us to do. I had to make a choice to let go of my selfishness and put him before myself. I’m not proud of how long it took me to be a supportive wife in that way, but thank goodness for grace right? The point of this long story is that it’s important to support your spouse’s passions, because that’s part of supporting and loving them overall. The love that comes from feeling supported can go a long way and do wonders for your marriage.

3. Learn about yourself as much as your spouse.

When I say this, I’m specifically talking about your tendencies, habits, the way you approach conflict, etc. One of the most helpful tools that I’ve found to identify these tendencies in yourself, and then use that knowledge to understand how you communicate with your spouse, is a quiz called “How We Love”. It focuses on how different aspects of our upbringing affect our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors when interacting with and showing love to others and gives you your love style based on your answers. It also has these charts that show how different styles interact in a marriage and how it affects conflict. Sounds kinda like just another personality test, but y’all it was LIFE CHANGING for my marriage. My counselor showed it to Jay and I, and after going through it Jay literally said to her, “Do you have a camera in our house or something???” It was SO accurate. It takes maybe 10 minutes, and going through our results and how our personality types interact with each other gave us so much insight into each other and ourselves. Moving forward, when we have any sort of conflict or misunderstanding we can resolve it so much quicker because we understand how the other person is feeling and why they’re reacting the way they are, and we can understand the same for ourselves. Putting time and effort into understanding these types of things about yourself and your spouse can help you get to a level of knowing and feeling known that I think so many couples miss out on, because they don’t want to put in the work. But it is so worth it.

If you choose to take the test, hover over “The Love Styles” at the top of the website and click on “Core Patterns”- This is where it shows how different love styles work together.

xoxo,

Carleigh

Happy Valentine’s Day! (+ My favorite Rom Coms)

February 14, 2019

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! I love today, and it’s not just because of all the pink and roses. Or, because this time 5 years ago I was bouncing around with all my best friends in my first loft getting ready for my rehearsal dinner. 😉 Yep, I got married the day after Valentine’s Day. (Actually not even on purpose!! We moved our original wedding date up a month and it happened to be V-Day so we just went with it.) I love finding any reason to celebrate and feel good, and today has every opportunity for that. I sincerely hope that no matter what, you feel loved today regardless of “relationship status.” My favorite author, Shauna Niequist, said, “You are significant, with or without a significant other.” I think that says it so beautifully!

So every year we usually go out both nights, V Day and our anniversary. But this year we are doing a dinner tonight and a date night IN tomorrow night watching our favorite rom coms and making a fancy meal. We are going out of town next week for an anni trip to Angel Fire (!!!!), so I asked to do something simple on our actual anniversary. One of my favorite anniversaries we have ever had, no joke, was when Paul had to work that night, so I built us a blanket fort full of his favorite candy and foods and laid out all his favorite movies. I draped twinkle lights everywhere and it really felt so magical and child-like. Picture… the fort from The Holiday. If you know, you know! When he came home we had a slumber party and it was so much fun!

I thought it’d be fun to round-up all my favorite rom coms for you if you’re doing a date night in, too! I am a sucker for pretty much anything sweet, but these are my TOP favorite, go-to, seen them a thousand times movies.

Hannah (and Paul’s) Favorite Rom Coms for a Date Night In:

You’ve Got Mail

How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days

Ten Things I Hate About You

Sweet Home Alabama

The Proposal

She’s The Man

PS I Love You

To All The Boys I’ve Loved

Sleepless in Seattle

Pretty Woman

Our anniversary shoot for today’s post features my February Dress of the Month and I AM OBSESSED. It was also freezing with a wind chill of 23 degrees the day I shot these pics with Hannah from Cottonwood Road Photography… soooooo, I feel like I look cold in all of them even when I am trying not to look cold. L O L.

Managing Expectations: Valentine’s Day

February 7, 2019

Okay okay, so I think I have made it pretty clear… I friggn’ love Valentine’s Day. I love pink and red, I love chocolate, I love flowers, I love love, I love cute romantic music (like, here, on my Valentine’s Day playlist!), I love celebrating love, I love showing love to my closest friends, I love decorating for Valentine’s Day…

I mean, for real. I love it all.

I am not a fool, though, and I know Valentine’s Day is hard for some. I have been there. I know what it’s like to hate Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s your first one since a hard break-up. The first since somebody close to you passed away. Another year that you turned down a date because it didn’t “feel right.” Another year you’re dating somebody just for the heck of it, because on paper it looks good, but you just can’t find the real feelings for them regardless of all the reasons you’ve come up with that you SHOULD be madly in love with them. (That one is so freaking real for my story. And, take it from me, that was more painful than it was fun.) The first year you don’t have a date. Whatever it may be, I know it can feel like a spotlight is on your life every year when February 14th comes around, reminding you your life perhaps doesn’t look like you wanted it to or thought it would.

I had year after year of Valentine’s Days where I had dreamed up this spectacular, surprise Valentine sweeping me off my feet, bringing flowers to school for me, leaving me a surprise on the hood of my car only to come out of nowhere serenading me to my favorite love song… It’s fine, I am not a hopeless romantic at all… And year after year I was disappointed, because my expectations didn’t match the reality of my day. Either things fell flat or the person I wanted to show me affection totally didn’t return it. But had I come into the day with gratitude for the love I had in my life, which was an immense amount, I wouldn’t have found myself feeling lonely or less-than by the end of another February 14th solely because something spectacularly romantic didn’t happen to me that I had dreamed up in my head. You feel me?

But, here’s the funniest part of it all. Y’all, I have had the hopeless romantic, movie scene things happen to me and they all, despite meeting every fantasy daydream of mine, didn’t satisfy. I am not kidding you, a boy once wrote a song for me and played it on a piano at school after math class for me. I didn’t even realize in the moment what was happening- I for real thought it was a friend sharing a song with me that he had written… but not for me. And what should have ended with a huge smooch in my movie scene moment actually left me feeling “bleh” and a little guilty that I didn’t feel fireworks for this incredibly kind guy and his romantic gesture. Another year, a guy made a mum for homecoming for me with his mom, and I ignored his phone calls because I was scared he was in fact making me a mum and I didn’t want to deal with telling him I wasn’t into him like that… I woke up to a beautiful massive mum on my porch that morning that I later found out he left at 4 AM for me. Ugh, I was the worst. I wish I could go back to 16 year old Hannah and handle a whole bunch of things differently. But, alas, we can’t do that. But, no joke, I think about these things from time to time and want to vomit at myself a little. O_o Another year on Valentine’s Day, a boy bought me candy and a stuffed animal, and he wrote me a letter about why he thought I was great. And, once again, I was appreciative… but nothing. No sparks. Again, I left just feeling guilty.

Now flip it, while dating my now husband, our first Valentine’s Day was a joke. It ended in tears and a huge fight. Then, the next day I showed up to roses on my desk at work… but they weren’t from Paul. And, our fight escalated exponentially… as you can imagine. Y’all, you can’t make these things up. And once again, Valentine’s Day wasn’t this grand event and I felt disappointed. And again, that was with my NOW HUSBAND. Even the guy I was going to end up with left me feeling disappointed on Valentine’s Day when we were just 3 months into dating when it’s supposed to be magical and overly romantic… right?

So my point?? No matter what comes your way, Valentine’s Day could be disappointing or, perhaps, surprising to say the least. Or, it can really be the best day ever. But what changes that outcome? Your attitude and perspective. Not the perfect date or perfect boyfriend or romantic gesture from your spouse. I want to challenge you as this holiday approaches. No matter what your “relationship status” may be, I hope you set some expectations, but that they are expectations for yourself- not ones you put on others. Expect to enter into the day with gratitude and to bless the mess out of everyone you love. Send texts to each friend and family member in your life to express how they love you well. Send words of encouragement, gift people in line at Starbucks with a free coffee, deliver flowers to a friend at work who has had a tough season. Whatever it is, you can manage your expectations and use your “hopeless romantic” desire in a way that loves others well. This applies to you whether you’re single, dating, engaged, or married.

As a wife, I will not expect my husband to be anything he’s not on Valentine’s Day. If he isn’t a hopeless romantic all other 364 days of the year, he’s not going to be on Valentine’s Day. He will show me he loves me in ways that he wants to (and, he always does now… and he’s really good at it!). And, regardless of what love may be shown or romantic things may or may not be done for me on February 14th, I know without a doubt that I get to use the day to meet my own expectations of loving others. Does this make sense?

And here is my final encouragement to you, wherever you’re at and whatever life stage you find yourself in: You have a God who loves you so deeply. And, shocker, He loves you way better and more faithfully than even the best husbands or boyfriends. I mean it. I am not just saying “Hallmark-Worthy” things to make you feel a little better about a holiday. I am telling you, God loved you first and it’s because of that GREATEST love we have even a glimpse at His love through the gift of relationships. Our friendships and romantic relationships are literally just a tiny glimpse at the vast love our God has for us.

“So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.” Romans 8: 31-39 (The MSG)

No matter what comes your way, you have a God who loves you immensely. Exactly as you are, broken and -perhaps- a little jaded. He loves you.

Happy Valentine’s Day, sweet friends. Know you’re loved today (and every day).

xoxo,

Han

Finding “Me Time”

January 31, 2019

Alright, so a couple weeks ago I decided it was TIME. Time to make every appointment I have said I would make for the last two months and actually go to them. DUN-DUN-DUN (insert dramatic music here.) I called it “Self-Care Week,” and it. was. so. good. I cannot tell y’all enough, just like it’s so important to find time with your spouse (sans kids!!!!), how vital it is to find some “you time.”

I don’t care if you’re a mom, a wife, single, no kids, a roommate, living at home… whatever! You need YOU TIME. This is a daily need and then also, on a bigger scale, at least a monthly thing. Have a large chunk of time set aside to be alone, y’all.

I keep referencing this in things I write lately, because it’s just such an important realization: Jesus got away from crowds to be alone. And, I guarantee you it was to re-coop and become a better-equipped self for all the CRAZIES out there. 😉 Okay, Jesus definitely wouldn’t say it that way… But, human Hannah definitely does. I need to get away and re-coop, without Knox or Paul, to be a better mom and wife. Then, of course, as a couple we have to get away without Knox on a regular basis.

When I don’t, I lose it. I am short-tempered, angry, feisty, and don’t want to be touched. That’s not fun for anybody to be around, and I hate when I get to that point.

Most weeks, “me time” looks like a stroll at the grocery store with a coffee in hand alone. Or, it can look like getting my hair or nails done. Or, it could simply be getting to go back to my room with a glass of wine to read while Paul plays with Knox.

Alright, so I say all that to set up my extravagant “self-care” week. My “me time” doesn’t look this fantastic, but I wish it did. 😉

I got my eyebrows shaped and tinted with my girl Carrie after MONTHS of saying, “I gotta make an appointment.” No joke, I think I went from May to January without seeing her. Big news: Carrie is branching off from Southern Chic Wax to start her own company and I am so excited for her!! Start following her new journey, here. You can start booking appointments TOMORROW, Feb. 1st!
I scheduled my next hair appointment and dentist appointment (praises!). Sounds silly, but it’s really important to me haha. As far as hair goes, my bestie Bethany is the most incredible colorist, and if you’re local she is coming back from maternity leave in the early spring!
I went to TruDerm, which I documented on my Instagram, for my first experience with microdermabrasion. I loved it! It was painless, like a deep cleaning for my pores basically. The spa itself was gorgeous, everybody was so nice, and -honestly- here’s what I was most impressed with. Having never been to a clinical spa before, I was expecting a bunch of women with noticeable fillers. Just being really honest. But much to my surprise, from the person behind the desk who greeted me to the woman who did my facial (and everybody in between that I passed)… nobody had “too much” botox. I know that could sound a little judge-y… and I don’t mean it to. But as somebody who values natural beauty but also believes botox is a-okay and you should do whatever floats your boat… I just was really pleased to see an entire clinical spa with beautiful women everywhere with amazing skin and, for those who had it, well-done botox! It was the first thing I told Paul when I came home. I would 3000000% trust TruDerm with fillers on myself or people I know after having seen every single person in their spa and not thinking once “Aw man, they did too much.” I know that seriously could be taken wrong, so please don’t turn it into something. But, TruDerm has my absolute, hands down utmost respect for their work!
After 3 years of saying I want to… I finally went to see my first counselor. I KNOW! When I told some people this they asked, “Oh no! Why?” Which it totally understandable! A lot of people go to a counselor in crisis, and I am team ‘See A Counselor’ ALL THE WAY. For me, though, I just know there’s things I need to work through emotionally and spiritually from experiences in my life that I haven’t really dealt with before, and I am excited to finally do so. Some of the best, most admirable leaders I know see a counselor once a month just for the heck of it, and I honor that. I figure if they do, I should too. Already, I feel freedom from getting to talk about things with all walls down and no fear of saying something “I shouldn’t.” Anyways, go see a counselor! I dare you- it just might be the best thing you’ve ever done!
I spent a ton of time cleaning out my closet- tossing things I love but didn’t wear this past year in its rightful season (that’s my rule for purging!). I sold a bunch over on @shopthecakescloset, and donated the rest. It felt good to make some money on the side to put into my business and to buy some new jeans I desperately needed.
I did no alcohol for 3 weeks and no cake or ice cream. SAY WHAT? It’s true. My church does a fast twice a year, and our 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting is always how we begin the year. I decided no glass of red wine like I so love at the end of every day, and no cake or ice cream. I don’t know how we made it with no cake or ice cream… but we made it y’all! Paul and I chose to fill our evenings with intentional reading instead of TV most nights during this time as well, which was so refreshing. I am currently reading It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, Lysa Terk’s new book… and well, let’s just say I was weeping 10 pages in. Every evening felt like space set aside for “me time” when I got in bed to read.
I painted my nails- yeah. I painted them. I have had paint-less nails for at least 9+ months…
Another huge deal for me is our gym! We chose our gym because with our membership comes up to 3 hours of childcare a day when we come to workout. So our gym membership is a little pricey… but I also credit it to half of my sanity, haha. Working out makes me a better self, and getting alone time does. And, my kid is getting to play with other boys and girls his age we wouldn’t otherwise know. It’s just all such a win! Worth every extra penny. For the new year, I decided to commit to myself going to at least three CLASSES a week in order to challenge myself physically and to meet people. It’s been so. much. better. for. me. I am just not the type of person who can push themselves in a solo workout. I will just scroll my phone while I lackadaisically use the elliptical for 45 minutes. But now, I feel sweaty and accomplished after a workout again, and I love it!

So, what do you do for “you time?” I am telling you, it’s a vital part of your schedule. And if you don’t set aside time for you… do it and you’ll see why it is. Love you guys!

xoxo,

Han

“Me Investments”

8 Things That Changed Our Home and Marriage

3 Things I’ve Learned After 3 Years of Marriage

Happy Valentine’s Day! (+ My favorite Rom Coms)

Managing Expectations: Valentine’s Day

Finding “Me Time”

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