Hannah Morrison

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Things I shared this week!



April 14, 2022

Hi babes! OKAY, I shared a few things this week that you guys asked for the results of. I wanted to put them all here for continued reference rather than a story that would disappear.

First, I shared I have really transitioned to listening to audible books throughout my days to help manage my social scroll time (cutting a mindless habit) and to help tame my anxiety on days it’s a little out of control. When I am pregnant, as somebody who already leans on the anxious side, my whacked hormones cause me to have horrible insomnia and it leads to anxiety that can become overwhelming in the middle of the night. Audible has been a God send for helping manage my thoughts. We have a yearly membership which gives 12 credits for new books, and then audible books are FAR cheaper than a hardback. I was asked how I make it work financially, and this is how we personally do it. Most audible books are legit only like $3-$5. That is a cup of coffee (without the jitters hehe) and a far better investment of that part of my budget than a coffee run or random $30 spends at Target each month.

Here’s what I have listened to over the last 6 months:

  • Who Are You Following by Sadie Robertson Huff
  • Embrace Your Almost by Jordan Lee Dooley
  • Finding Freedom by Erin French
  • Find Your People by Jennie Allen
  • Rules of Estrangement by Joshua Coleman
  • Harry Potter (Books 5, 6, and 7) *I read hardbacks of others prior to needing Audible switch)
  • Open Book by Jessica Simpson
  • Take the Lead by Jessica Simpson
  • Talking As Fast As I Can by Lauren Graham
  • Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis

    Podcasts on Audible:
  • She by Jordan Lee Dooley
  • Made for This by Jennie Allen
  • Goal Digger by Jenna Kutcher
  • Whoa, that’s good by Sadie Robertson Huff

Second up, I am going to Charleston in less than two weeks and I cannot wait. This is a dream destination and I can’t wait to experience it in real life. I love pretty homes, historic charm, and color… insert Charleston 😉 We are going for a conference with our church planting network and adding a bit on for a baby moon on the front and tail end. I have been taking note on basically all things Charleston from Julia Berolzheimer, but I asked for food suggestions and you guys came in like FIRE with the suggestions. I am sharing below the most repeated spots:

  • Camellias Champagne Bar for High Tea
  • Five Churches
  • Poogan’s Porch
  • The Darling Oyster Bar
  • 82 Queen
  • Husk
  • Page’s Okra Grill
  • Post House Inn
  • Xiao Biscuit
  • Fig
  • The Dewberry Rooftop
  • Church and Union
  • Hall’s Chophouse
  • Frannie and the Fox
  • Nico’s
  • Chez Nous
  • Chasing Sage

I notice a trend in Charleston of historic homes being restaurants and Inns, and I am so into it. A lot of these are just that or in very old part of refurbished areas in the city. The Dewberry, Hotel Bennett, 86 Cannon, Emeline, and The Loutrel are the top destination stays we have found.

Places to Go:

  • Folly Beach
  • Sullivan’s Beach
  • The Battery
  • Rainbow Row
  • King Street
  • Hampton Park
  • Cannonborough/Elliotborough streets

CATEGORIES ~ Blog, Home, Life Leave a Comment

January’s Favorite Five



January 14, 2022

Hello and WHOA! We are half way through January?! I hope this month has been refreshing and life-giving for you as you’ve pressed “restart” on your routines and getting back into the swing of life post-holidays. Today I have a list of my favorite five items I am using in my life that I think you’ll love, too!

  1. Against All Grain, Meals Made Simple: I love Danielle Walker and have slowly added all of her cookbooks to my shelves. She has great allergy-friendly family meals for us to make that everybody loves, and this cookbook in particular is family-friendly and QUICK.
  2. Cusinart 15 pc. Knives Set: We’ve needed new knives for ages, but I haven’t wanted to spend $500 on a “good” set. I have kept coming back to this one though, because the amount of reviews is mind-blowing for the star rating it has earned! I bought them and LOVE them. I cut through a large carrot the other day and had forgotten this is what it is supposed to feel like cutting vegetables.
  3. Foam Activity Set: We bought this for Rory for Christmas and it’s the best thing we have for the boys to play with currently. It basically just stays in my living room right now because they play with it all day together. We build castles, we build ramps and drive our bikes off of it… it’s the best.
  4. Studio Mcgee x Threshold Artwork for Living Room: I have been so afraid to hang things on my walls out of fear there’s something else out there I would love more. Sorta like #fomo but for home decor? But I am starting to commit and hang things to fill the walls of my home! I found these two pieces from Target in the Studio Mcgee line and I love them. They added so much to my living space for such great prices!
  5. Matte Liquid Lipstick: Without fail, any time I wear this lip color, I will get asked what I have on. It’s so beautiful and it goes on easily + smudge-free! You can’t go wrong with any of the shades, but I own

CATEGORIES ~ Beauty, Blog, Fashion, Home, Life Leave a Comment

Monthly Review of 2021



December 26, 2021

Dang, so 2021. Coming to a close. How’s your heart doing? Though I faced overwhelming depths of grief in 2021 that I sincerely never thought would be part of my story with the loss of my daughter Blakely, I still somehow have such incredible memories from the year. When I think of 2021, I somehow still smile and have happy thoughts. I have learned such a lesson in life the last couple of years that joy and grief co-exist, and that it’s okay to be both okay and not okay. I think we can get so hung up on one or the other that we miss opportunities in the spaces in between.

As a way to celebrate the year, I wanted to share something from every month *some things are surprises you guys don’t know anything about* simply because I would love to share it all with you. The good, the bad, and the spaces in between.

January: We kicked off our year excited and hopeful. We had just pressed “go” on the year long process to launch a church with our network ARC, and everything we did was looking ahead to September. We had a lot of “firsts” and January was our first launch team gathering. We are just so grateful.

February: I went to Disney with my best friends for the first time in my life. I truly have no words for it except that I am so freaking thankful I have such amazing women in my life. I can’t wait to go back with all my boys. Also, how many women do you know who have a group of 8 best friends they can legit travel with and come home loving one another just as much (if not more!)? We have something so unique and I just can’t believe I get to call all of these incredible women my best friends.

March: We started Interest Gatherings for Cadence in March and I, unknowingly at the time, began meeting some of the people who have now become dear friends to us. I remember walking outside and seeing these marquee lights spelling out “Cadence” for the first time and it took my breath away a little. Ten years of dreaming and this moment made it feel like we were truly launching a church. It was the first time we did something for the public and it was so scary – you have no idea what to expect – but wow, what an incredible first step into our calling.

April: Okay, so this one is a surprise/secret I have kept. In April, I had a dream opportunity arise with a well-known publisher. Basically, my dream book deal was handed on a silver platter to me by an acquisitions editor who had been told about me and spent months watching my Instagram and emails to see if I was a fit (WHAT?!) I still had to write a pitch worthwhile for the publisher… but, the initial first steps were eliminated and I had a publisher seeking ME out. It still makes me both smile and shiver with shock to be honest. I began working on my pitch, praying about what I wanted to write, and spent the next few months exploring the world of publishing, which has always been my long-term goal. Did you know I was a creative writing minor in college?! All this to say, my dream was put on the back burner a bit at first when I shockingly found out in June I was pregnant and spent my days just trying not to puke, and then fully so when I lost Blakely in August. The creativity in me was completely diminished for a season while I grieved. However… the dream and my creativity has been reignited somewhat within me and is rolling again. I have a unique idea for a book that I am truly thrilled about. I hope to see this dream come to life in 2022 and it feels fun to just finally get to share this with y’all. I have been scared to share about this because I feared failure. What if I never wrote a pitch worth them signing me on for? But, I am here sharing because regardless of when or IF I ever finish the book, I still had a dream come true in April and I want to celebrate that.

May: We FINALLY (4 months late…) moved into our home. A whole year after signing to build, I got to move into the home I designed every little nook and cranny of. It’s so surreal still and I think we say (no joke) daily, “Can you believe we get to live here?” I sincerely loved the building process, though it was delayed and a few frustrating moments, it was in general so fun and has already proven to be a great investment. Don’t let people scare you out of building – we had a blast! Paul and I never fought about it as so many try to convince you will happen if you build a home and we just really did enjoy the process whole heartedly!

June: I celebrated my 29th birthday in June, and then found out at the end of the month I was VERY shockingly 6 weeks pregnant. I mean, it was truly a shock. I laid on the floor for an hour when I saw two pink lines show on the stick that I literally only took just to tell the doctor I knew I wasn’t pregnant when I set my appointment up for how sick I had been feeling lately. I just figured it was a food allergy thing and that I needed to do a re-set. We were thrilled, though it felt crazy to be doing this in the middle of planting a church. I knew God was up to something and I had specifically prayed that if I ever got pregnant again I would need him to do it as a surprise. I had also prayed months before for the surprise to be my daughter I longed for. As per usual, God flexed and did His thing.

July: We were diving into our new community at our new home and I was writing portions of my book pitch in the rare moments I got alone/didn’t feel nauseous. At the end of the month we went on a trip to Alabama for our church planting network with our staff. I had just taken the blood work test a week or so before to find out the gender of our surprise baby, and I had asked God to somehow miraculously get us the results early. He did, but in a way I didn’t expect Him to. While in Alabama, I began cramping so incredibly bad and my stomach was swelling up (although, I just thought I was starting to pop early), and by the end of day 2 I was concerned. I couldn’t even sit without wincing from pain. Then, as we walked into dinner with our team I knew I was bleeding. I ran to the bathroom to find blood everywhere and immediately began to weep. We rushed to the ER where we waited to be seen, my heart racing and the fear setting in that I surely lost my baby. As we went back with the sonographer, we could tell she was a believer and turns out she went to the church we were attending for the church planting conference. We were missing out on a prayer night, but we ended up having our own in a way with her in that room as she grabbed images of our baby and prayed over us, praying the bleeding would cease. It still makes me cry. She told us *though she wasn’t supposed to* that she saw a hematoma and the doctor would tell us more about it. She also asked if we wanted to know the gender early to which I nearly bounced off the table with a “YES!” She let me know what my heart already knew, and I was pregnant with my daughter I had ached and prayed for. *I took this video for a collaboration I had booked pre-bed rest with Red Dress Boutique and you can see how swollen my belly was. Below is a photo I took from our hotel room before going to dinner just before I began bleeding. I sent it to my friends saying “look how much I popped!” but also asking for prayer for my cramping.

August: I was put on bedrest for two weeks minimum and somehow… we all managed to catch COVID. My entire family sat in bed for two weeks basically waiting and watching, praying for a miracle, and blowing our noses. I had been told once I got back from Alabama to see my own midwife that I had a severe hematoma, and that while most women carry full term perfect babies with a SCH… I was a risky case at 5 CM. On August 10th, I went into labor with my surprise Blakely Amelia and delivered her at 14 weeks. I held her perfect hands, toes, and sweet tiny body for hours. I know there is purpose and beauty that comes from all pain. God doesn’t create pain, but only HE can make good from our pain. The greatest mystery of God is that in His sovereignty He doesn’t choose to take away or snap His fingers and make our pain right every time. He chooses sometimes not to heal or save or answer our prayers how we want them to be. But I also know He is so very good. It’s the greatest confusing mystery that I can only find peace in when I recognize God is God and He is always good … even when I cannot make sense of it. I know Blakely’s life has purpose. Her life answered prayers I have prayed for 5 years. Her life reassured me, staring into her perfect face and seeing her heart and ribcage through her delicate skin, just how real life in our womb is. I will boldly and proudly scream it from the rooftops, and I have a conviction deeper than ever before that it is true. A baby is a baby, whether planned for or wanted. I have such a passion now for helping women and their babies through unexpected pregnancies.


September: What a month. One month postpartum of a miscarriage AND launch month. The very thing we had been working toward since the previous October. At moments, it felt impossible while at others I was grateful for the distraction. We brought home our new puppy Dolly this month, which (mostly for Paul) is still a toss up if this was a blessing or a curse… lol. (Mostly kidding) The week after launch, Paul was in a pretty bad car accident that, praise God, he walked away from, but it nearly totaled our brand new black 4 Runner (which is still in the shop!) I also faced unbelievable loss personally outside of my daughter that I can’t really talk about, but I had to draw difficult lines with people I love deeply and the grief at times kept me on the floor gasping for air. Grief is wild, because as you must somehow pick back up the shattered pieces of your life as you thought it’d be… others are living their lives. And worse… Happily. You look around you as people pass by and it literally feels like slow motion. How dare them be happy. Don’t they know I lost my daughter? Don’t they know I have people I love but can’t talk to? Of course they don’t. They have no idea. It’s the weirdest thing, trying to live life again as others don’t even know that getting out of the house that day was in and of itself a difficult victory. September 19th came and we launched Cadence Church. It was perfect. It was a dream fulfilled, and then also the realization that this one day we had dreamt of was just one Sunday of thousands more to come. It was thrilling. I am so grateful for Cadence. I am grateful for the way it, in some ways, saved me in the midst of grief. I am grateful the people who call it their home. I am grateful that we are already making a difference in the lives of those in our community as well as the city we are in. September taught me, truly, that I can do anything by Christ’s strength because it is LITERALLY the only explanation for how I made it through with joy and faith still in tact.

October: Life has begun to feel somewhat normal again, whatever that means. Grief had its days, but in general less of them. I think October taught me it’s okay to feel “okay” after grief, though still very real and painful. It’s funny, when I was barely 2 months post-loss, it felt somewhat like pregnancy with Blakely was years ago yet in the same breath still a bleeding wound. If you find yourself in the middle of grief, I hope me sharing this timeline but specifically about this month, can encourage you. Take each passing day as it comes – whatever it looks like. And see a counselor. I say that a lot … but I mean it. Having a counselor has at times saved my marriage through very difficult seasons and decisions we needed to make, and it also has saved me. Arguably, counseling has brought me back. Below is just a random October night with my boys where I remember thinking, “Life is as it should be again.”

November: My favorite time of year! In November, the notable moment to me was I drove for the first time in 4 years further than 45 minutes away from my home. I had PP OCD and anxiety after Knox’s birth and I suffered a HORRIBLE panic attack alone on a drive to San Antonio with my 6 month old baby while Paul was completely off the grid somewhere in Africa. This felt like such a victory, driving to see my family again now with two babies in tow, and I felt like it was a significant moment for me. I felt nauseous most of my drive from how nervous I was. But I did it. I drove down to see my sweet grandpa in the hospital and it was worth the battle. I wrote more about here on my IG.

December: Alas, we’ve made it. 2021 was … well, kinda wild, huh? This holiday season hasn’t been easy. The painful relational lines of September exist still, and I had to grieve that along with the constant reminder I should have been almost 8 months pregnant with Blakely this Christmas. Yet, I sit here and smile. There’s so much to be so thankful for. I have had such a fun year, full of laughter, travel, and so much fun. So many new things. So many fun adventures with our boys. I am so grateful for our health. I am grateful for my boys and my husband. I am grateful for my best friends. I am grateful that if I lost everything, I truly have it all in Jesus and with my boys by my side. Yesterday we celebrated Christmas alone at home. Literally, just us. Things panned out to allow us this opportunity and we took it. We watched movies all day long, napped on the couch to The Christmas Story, and played with our new toys all day, ending with a delicious meal of steak, vegetables, artichokes, and sweet potatoes. It was unanimously our best Christmas yet.

In closing: God has been so good to us. I cry just thinking about the sweet gifts of this year. I feel the gifts He’s sent our way are truly extra special and intentional in the midst of the grief we have faced. If you allow yourself to see it in this light, you can see how sweet the Lord is in our pain- yours and mine. Maybe that relationship or prayer didn’t unfold how you hoped it would- I would have never prayed or asked for me to lose my daughter- and that can make you feel forgotten or overlooked by God. But, friend, look at all the ways God showed up and protected you even in your unwelcomed circumstances. I can see his protection even in the Labor and Delivery room as I lost my baby. I can see it in the sweet friendships I have that feel like family. In November, Paul drove up to our home around 8:45 PM after he stayed long at a men’s event for the church to find a man watching me from a ladder in our living room. Our brand new living room we had prayed over and asked God’s protection over. Having a peeping Tom in our “safe” space didn’t exactly feel like God protecting us. But the truth is, HE DID. People are evil and people have free will to do bad things. We live in a fallen world and subchorionic hematomas exist – God in His perfection didn’t create these. Division over politics and health choices exist because the devil who is fighting for people to be divided exists. But God is sovereign over it all, and I trust him with the gaps that sin has created. He promises us a place of no more tears or suffering in Heaven and that is the hope I cling to on this side. What I am trying to say here is, God didn’t have a peeping Tom come look at me and violate my privacy in my safe space. That’s obvious. But, had Paul not stayed longer at Top Golf that night, he would have never driven up at the exact right time to catch the man who was watching me (for who knows how long or how many times) to follow him and get his license plate, call the cops, and ultimately protect our home longterm. God ordained Paul’s steps perfectly to truly protect us. You following me?

God is so good. He is in every detail. I am so thankful. I surrender every ounce of pain at his feet and send up prayers of gratitude for the blessings I see all around me. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, y’all. I can’t wait to see what 2022 brings for us.

CATEGORIES ~ Blog, Life, Mommy & Me 4 Comments

My Shop Small Gift Guide



November 24, 2021

Y’all, I am so pumped for today’s post. I have been working for months on gathering a very tightly curated small shop feature list [and then a few bonus favorites at the bottom]. More than ever, I hope you can see the importance of shopping locally and supporting small businesses in America as we regather ourselves after two years of survival and barely hanging on in so many ways. Supporting small and locally helps small business owners supporting their families believe they have a chance to survive another year and it helps your local economy. Your purchases bring hope and make a business owner dance when they hear your purchase come through on their computer. I hope this list helps you navigate Christmas shopping AND it helps you find a small shop you can support and give a follow to on Instagram!

Magic Playbook

You guys, I cannot even write enough words to say how much I love this brand. It exceeded all my expectations. From the branding to the product itself – just so magical and fun. My son has had out his play mat to color on for a week and I personally have played with the matching cards even when the kids aren’t around. For the holiday breaks, I love the idea of having fun activities and games for Knox to play while school is out that continue to help him learn and play! USE MY CODE ‘HANNAH’ FOR A $1 TRIAL MEMBERSHIP!

Hale House

You guys, this boutique. I have shared them on my Instagram stories before, but basically if you were to curate a shop of clothing that is feminine and just a dash of extra and you’d find in my closet, this is the spot. If you like my wardrobe, you could buy anything from here and know I, too, would buy it hehe. They are local to Forth Worth and have incredible customer service AND are owned by a boss babe momma! (The pink floral dress in top image is also from this boutique!) Follow them on IG, too!

Heron and Pine

This hat is the best hat I have ever owned, y’all. It’s sturdy and unlike anything I have seen/felt before. I always get compliments on it when I wear it, too. This small shop is woman-owned and is for sure going to be making a mark on the hat industry. As a sucker for branding and aesthetics, too, I appreciated their entire unboxing and branding experience as well.

Right Here At Home

But honestly, how festive and fun are these? Don’t miss a giveaway happening December 1st for a special winner to help with the holiday season! I found myself some cute cozies and the boys now have some cutie matching sweatshirts for all of our upcoming Christmas gatherings. I bought up a size for myself but TTS for the boys!

Right Lane Living

The cutest minimalist countdown! This countdown is SO much more than Christmas – New Years, Thanksgiving, Baby, Vacation, Birthday and so much more. It’s all interchangeable and easy to change out. Knoxy has loved counting down to Christmas with this while also learning his numbers!

Ellie and Piper

If I could curate a dream shop of cute goodies for the home, parties, and gift giving … this is it. Look nowhere else, because this cutie shop has everything you need for the holidays and party throwing. I am so obsessed with my colorful selections from their Christmas Collection. But, the most special is my Dancing Ballerina Angels for my sweet Blakely.

More:

Linny Co. – The cutest earrings made by a boss momma and a friend of mine from college! (Based in Dallas, TX)

Sleep My Darling– I shared recently about this on my Instagram and STILL can’t say enough about it. A custom lullaby for a gift to a new mommy couldn’t be sweeter. You can order a teddy bear that sings the lullaby as well as a beautiful print of your lullaby’s lyrics. This gift is the TOP of my list for anybody with babies/young kids on your list. (Based in Nashville, TN)

Landry Kate [y’all know I love me some LK!] (Based in McKinney, TX)

Flowerwild Boutique – Perfectly curated boho chic style (Based in Boulder, CO)

The Worthy Co.- Employs and empowers survivors of human trafficking, this shop is so cute and well-curated with an even better mission. (Based in Fort Worth, TX)

Luxe and Bloom – Custom curated gift boxes for literally anybody in your life stylishly assembled and wrapped (Based in Midland, TX)

Flea Style– An adventurous curation of feminine boho style and custom built hats (Based in Frisco and Fort Worth, TX)

Roma Boots [buy a pair of boots and one is given to a child in need of shoes!] (Based in Dallas, TX)

Stevie J’s Headwraps – If you’re shopping for a baby girl… look no further (Based in McKinney, TX)

Unrefined Bakery– Honest to goodness where we buy all of our baked good for holiday parties and meals. They’re allergy friendly… but nobody has to know and they won’t unless they ask. The best treats I have ever had (gluten-free or not) They ship across the USA! (Based in Dallas, TX)

Rachel Allene- The actual cutest mugs and cups you have ever seen. I love these so much! (Northern California)

Live Love Gameday– Owned by a former DCC, this is a shop of original tees and well-curated attire with game day in mind! (Based in Dallas, TX)

Pictured: Roma Boots and Heron and Pine
Pictured: Landry Kate and Roma Boots
Pictured: Unrefined Bakery

CATEGORIES ~ Blog, Christmas, Fashion, Life Leave a Comment

My Loss & Subchorionic Hemorrhage



August 13, 2021

I miscarried my daughter, Blakely Amelia, just shy of 14 weeks. We found out she was a girl during an emergency room trip while in Alabama for a conference when I was 11.5 weeks. I had prayed earlier that day for a miracle and that God would somehow get our genetic testing results early, because I just couldn’t wait. I just knew this was it. I knew it was my daughter. And though I didn’t expect it to be from an ER trip, I got to learn about my daughter earlier than expected from my sonogram there. Our sweet sonographer asked us if we wanted to know and said she was about 85% certain she could tell us.

My SCH was discovered that night and I scheduled an appointment for the morning I got back to Texas. Like, literally we drove in and got home at 2:30 AM and I was at my doctor’s office at 8:30. I had never heard of these and, to be honest, it was difficult to find much information on them. If anything, I wanted to share this post to first and foremost share a bit more about my time and loss with Blakely. Second, if this can be a resource for women in the future, I hope it helps. Let me start this by saying MOST often, a SCH will heal itself and moms deliver perfect babies with these. Unfortunately I had a very large one and it couldn’t heal itself.

Blakely

Blakely was 10000% a surprise. We were not trying and actively so… ha. God truly wanted us to have her in this exact time and season for some reason. And to be honest, it is even more so hurtful and confusing after having lost her knowing how much of a miracle it was that we conceived her. But I know there is purpose in this pain. I trust God with it. I had told God after Rory if He wanted me to be pregnant again, it would have to be a shock because I was too scared to try again. I expressed my deep desires for a daughter once more and let Him be in charge. Boy, did He shock us. We have joked since this pregnancy that I have seriously got to start being more clear in my prayers about timelines because God always delivers exactly as I ask. Of course, God is in charge and does as He pleases. But, man, he really does hear us.

What is a subchorionic hemorrhage?

Essentially, in the easiest words, your placenta and uterus pull apart in a spot and cause a clot to form. Sorta like a scab holding the two together until, hopefully, it heals and binds back together. Mine was 5 cm at the bottom of my uterus just over my cervix. There is no true cause of this, nothing you did nor can do. Some believe it’s caused by when an egg fertilizes on top of a previously fertilized area in your uterus. Regardless, your body deals with it as it pleases, essentially. I was on bed rest to help all that I could and so that, mentally, if I did miscarry, my doctor told me I would know that I know it wasn’t me and I wouldn’t carry that weight of false guilt. Many women have pleasant, perfect full-term pregnancies with these and it’s not a grave diagnosis. In fact, most often, it isn’t one. SCH is pretty rare but not necessarily a bad ending, just high risk. I held onto that hope for the next two weeks after. I am not a doctor, so take these numbers lightly, but it’s what I found while researching my own. I found in my grief that I needed to understand it better. Statistically, a study of 64k pregnancies, only about 2% had SCH. Another study that focused solely on SCH said about 30% of SCH end in a miscarriage.

So, again, please if you find this and have recently been diagnosed, I am hopeful for you. This doesn’t have to end like mine did. In fact, statistics lend themself to say you won’t have my experience and I pray you do not.

What to expect with a SCH

For mine, I bled significantly my first bleed. Leading up to my bleed, I felt sick and uncomfortable all day. My tummy was also extremely swollen, something I didn’t fully realize until after the fact. I was at a 3 day conference, day 2, and couldn’t sit straight. It felt somewhat like early labor pains. I was miserably uncomfortable but thought it was round ligament pain. I was having light headedness and was coming in and out of what felt like “out of body” experiences. That evening, we arrived at a restaurant and walking in I could feel something wasn’t right and I ran to the bathroom immediately to find I had bled everywhere. At this point, I assumed the worst and thought I had miscarried then. My husband had to come into the women’s restroom with me to try to clean up what we could and walked me out to the car, all done in a favorite white dress… ugh. It just made everything so obvious and horrifying. We called my midwife out of state and she, too, prepared my heart that it was likely either a miscarriage or COULD be a subchorionic hemorrhage, but that my 8 week scan didn’t show signs of one as it normally would. The trip to the ER confirmed my baby was bouncing around and healthy, but I did in fact have a large SCH.

From here, I saw my midwife the day I returned home, learned about the size of my hemorrhage *also called hematoma* and started fighting physically and in the spiritual realm for my daughter. My sonogram that morning also confirmed a girl, and then my midwife let me know my genetic testing had come in the day before and I was in fact pregnant with a little girl. I had prayed for this moment for 3 years and I immediately knew it was my Blakely Amelia whom I prayed for by name since 2018. I didn’t expect my time with her to be so short, but I am so abundantly thankful God gave us our gender early to be able to dream and celebrate her as long as we got.

Though, it did feel cruel when I lost her and part of me wished I had never known, I know there is purpose and significance in this for having known it was her. And I keep asking God to heal the pieces of my heart that are wounded from the confusing loss of such a dream.

The miscarriage

I will be bluntly honest that I just had no idea what actually happens in a miscarriage. Truly not a clue, and I now have such a greater depth of heartache for moms I know who have also lost babies, whether at 4 weeks or 14+. I had only bled in the two weeks of knowing about my hematoma that once in Alabama. I felt excited that I wasn’t bleeding more and saw it as a good thing *which it was, to be fair*.

In the middle of my bed rest from the hematoma, my entire family actually came down with COVID to top this whole experience off. We were stuck at home, me on bed rest, and all of us piled into one bed soaking up every moment together in between sniffles and snot. My loss has absolutely Z E R O connection to COVID and to be honest, our experience was that of a cold/flu. We lost our taste and smell for a bit but already it’s come back almost fully. I recognize this isn’t the case for everybody, but it was our experience (as well as my many friends who have now had it) and I am grateful to now have a natural boosted immunity and antibodies for it in our home before the fall/winter months. We chose to do only a steroid (I only took it for 3 days) and vitamins, and by day 8 were doing great. I was prescribed Ivermectin but chose against it with my doctor as there just wasn’t enough information on it for pregnancy.

Just as I was starting to get over COVID, I began bleeding again. It was like from one thing to the next and back again. It appeared to be a “good” shade of blood and like my hematoma was actually healing and releasing itself out of my cervix rather than absorbing simply because my body saw it was easier to release it being so close to an “exit.” And so, I began the process of what we believe was my hematoma healing. But, I wasn’t allowed to go into my OB’s office again to check yet, having only just hit day 10 from symptoms, as their policy required 10 days post-positive test. I was stuck at home and had to wait and pray. Or if I needed to, I could go to the ER but had to tell them I was likely still COVID positive on a test… I didn’t want to endure that so I stayed home. The hope was my body would release the clots and that my tear was ultimately fixed.

Long story short, my body went into labor two days after beginning to bleed again. It appears my body was tricked into believing, due to the large amount of blood leaving my body, that it needed to dilate. Thus, sending my body into active labor. Having been in active labor twice before now, I knew at this point it was time to go to the hospital. Sparing details, the clots and bleeding changed significantly and it was clear something was happening. But, even still, though terrified and wailing from pain, I truly thought I would show up, get my contractions sedated, maybe stay over night to be monitored, and head home. A miscarriage was a slight fear but still nowhere on my realistic radar.

Unfortunately, when I walked into Labor and Delivery, I delivered my daughter right there as I tried to quickly check in. In my SCH case, I had to dilate too much to rid my body of the “bad” that it unfortunately got rid of the good, too. We got to spend time with our daughter in a private recovery room as long as we wanted. I also had to have blood tests and deliver the placenta, which thankfully came out on its own without surgery. I held my 13 week 3 day baby in my hands for hours, enjoying time and mourning our loss of her. I saw full hands, legs, feet, eyes, and a perfect tiny body made in the image of God. I knew I believed life began in the womb, but now more than ever I know what life in my tummy actually looks like. And it’s a baby. A full, tiny human.

I wanted to share my story, partly to connect with other mommies who have lost their child, partly to answer the questions you’ve had, and partly as part of my grieving process. I have spent the last 8 weeks dreaming of the day I got to share with all of you about Blakely and all the fun things that happened while in my first trimester. And, because I believe she is my daughter and her life was woven in my womb by the Lord, I want to still share about her and her story. Even though it hurts, even though I am still so sad and shocked, talking about my story and experience is healing.

I posted this in my stories yesterday, and it seemed to help so many of you understand your own grief and loss. So, I want it to live on here as well to help others as they navigate their own loss.

“The gap between an answered prayer and the way it unfolds sometimes will never fully be graspable on this side of Heaven. I believe Blakely was such an answered prayer. God shocked us with her just as I had asked Him to. Loss and heartache exist because we live in a broken world. My placenta and uterus came apart with no explanation other than that of I live in an imperfect body in an imperfect world. But I worship the Lord because I have seen Him in my answered prayers and I have seen Him in my mourning. And I know He always gets the final say, the final victory, and all the glory. I choose to worship Him, even when it hurts, because it’s all I know to do.”

Friend, if you have lost a baby, I am so sorry. I am so sorry you have experienced such depths of heartache. No mother should have to say goodbye to their child in a blanket in their lap at the hospital. No mother should have to bury their baby. No mother should have to choose what steps to take next for their now deceased child. These things are part of what God promises us will be no more in Heaven. No more hurt, tears, pain or loss. A perfect, renewed, restored body in a state of perfection. I so look forward to that day I enter into Heaven and see my sweet girl. I imagine she, like my boys, has bright blonde hair with subtle curls and big blue eyes. I long for the day to see her.

Thank you for loving our family through this time. We’ve found ourself in the midst of such grief thanking God for the amazing outpouring of kindness we’ve experienced these last few days. I also recognize how, even in the middle of losing Blakely, the Lord was so near. Our nurses were so kind. There was not a single bed for me and I begged them not to send me away, and they created a makeshift room for me in L&D. They soothed us, cared for us, and literally cried with us. When I left, I was truly hugged with sorrow, empathy, and compassion. I am forever grateful for them. They honored us and our loss, and most importantly honored my daughter as a LIFE.

CATEGORIES ~ Blog, Faith, Life, Mommy & Me 1 Comment

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Hey, I am Hannah!

Hey,  I am Hannah!
I am Hannah Morrison. Mommy of two boys with a daughter on the way, and an angel girl in heaven. I believe joy is found in your own home under your own roof, and I am just here to help you find it. Marriage, motherhood, fashion, and faith are what I am all about and I am so glad you're here!

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