Yep, I have searched high and low and tried it all. Want to know what the BEST gift of all to give your hubby is? Better than any set of golf clubs or Nikes or getaway vacation… Better than any date night or fancy restaruant. I have the key to your marriage that will help you stand solid through thick, thin, and all the things.
It is honor.
Hannah… say whaaaaa? Perhaps you’re thinking, “Yo, I was looking for a practical, what to buy kind of post here and you’re telling me an action?” YEP. Sure am. Y’all want to know the truth? I was the actual worst our first year or two of marriage. Like, so bad. So selfish, so prideful, so naggy. Like, I was the kind of woman that I now want to grab the hand of and say, “Hey, can I love on you a little and help you a bit?” We know what it is like to go to bed angry over and over again. We know what it is like to be broke as… well, a lot of words I won’t type out. We know what it’s like to have, what feels like, everything coming up against you to test your marriage and patience with one another. Jobs, relationships, people, money. ALL OF IT.
But through it all, what changed our entire dynamic was when I learned to honor my husband. Not our bank account, not our home, not anything. Because listen to me, those things can certainly help relieve stress I suppose. But if it’s not your bank account, it will be something else. Guarantee it. None of that will help you and your husband stay strong and connected when it feels like your world is caving in. None of those are the heart level fix that needs to happen. But, HONOR. I can’t say it enough. I saw a new man, new leader, and a new marriage form when I started to drop my pride and honor the mess out of Paul.
What’s this look like? What’s that mean?
Glad you asked. 😉 This looks like ALWAYS publicly praising, privately discussing. I felt so frustrated with Paul (and marriage in general from unhealthy expectations) early on that I convinced myself the only way he’d ever listen to me was if I talked down about him and tried to rally people behind me in group settings. I always nagged and dug at the things that were bothering me in front of people so that I felt like we had “accountability”… so bad. So dishonorable. The best thing I learned was to discuss in private the things that I don’t like and then with a mentor when necessary. If Paul says or does something in front of people now that I don’t like, then I tell him later. Never in front of people. Dishonor to your husband is delivered in the form of correction and embarrassing him in front of people. I was a PRO at this, and I so wish I could change those first years. But, I can’t. So, here I am helping you as much as I possibly can so that you don’t have to maybe go through what we did because of my inability to honor Paul.
Honor is respecting him as the leader of my household and following what he thinks is best for us, even if I disagree. Don’t hear me wrong. We are far from totalitarian type of home. We have a VERY equal relationship. Equally yoked and equal responsibility in the home. I run our budget, I choose how we spend our money, and I get to tell him “no.” BUT, at the end of the day, if I want Paul to live in his role entirely as the leader of our household, then I must honor him as such. I have to let him make choices I might disagree with to help him learn and become all that God has called him to be.
My “concerns”, also known as pride more often than not, could actually be squashing the man God has within my husband if I don’t allow Him to work through my husband. I gotta move out of the way, y’all. And you do, too. At the end of the day, if I believe I need to be heard on absolutely every little thing and NEVER pick my fights… I am actually trying to be God for Paul. Plus, for reeeeal, picking EVERY battle as “Match-worthy” is exhausting. I cannot be his holy spirit. I am his helper, but I am not convicter nor am I God. How prideful of me to think I need to go to battle over EVERYTHING. PICK THEM WISELY.
When I learned to honor who Paul is and for where he’s at, AND learned to build him up both behind closed doors and in front of people, our marriage changed drastically. Like… we are different people today than we were 5 years ago. PRAISE THE LORD. I used to cry in our closet every single night. We had a loft… so literally there were only two doors to pick from that I could retreat to hehe. But, I can’t help but wonder if I had honored my husband more what those first years could have been like. God did use that season to do a WORRRRRRK in my heart, though. That season did not go without good coming from it. Praise the Lord He can make beauty from ashes. Perhaps it is true that I would have never seen the pride in my heart if I never went through those first years of marriage as they were. God used it for ME and HIS glory.
Life Lesson: I can’t expect somebody, anybody in my life, to be honorable if I don’t first honor them. That stretches far beyond just a spouse. That’s in LIFE.
The Win: I have seen my husband FLOURISH in his gifts since I learned to honor Paul. I don’t think that’s a coincidence at all. I think we are called as wives to call our husband’s higher. And, sometimes, that means honoring EVEN WHEN our pride wants to fix/correct/call-out… And know what I learned in all this? I needed to remove the log from my own eye before ever trying to help Paul out with his tiny specks. I was a mess. I had baggage. I had some serious pride that needed excavating- not Paul!
This is the beauty of marriage! HONOR not only called my husband to a healthy position to flourish in all his giftings, but it also called me higher and grew me to become a better human. I started to forgive quicker, pick fights a lot less, diffuse confrontation healthier and faster, and appreciate my husband so much more. I hope the same for you!
How will you choose honor today?