Life

Love Isn’t Logical

February 14, 2016

It’s my favorite day of the year!!!!

(Besides Christmas Day and tomorrow… which is my actual wedding anniversary.)

But, I love, LOVE Valentines Day.

This is also a fairly on a whim post, so I apologize in advance for any potential spontaneity in topics- I truly don’t know exactly where this is about to go. But, here’s the deal, the past week on the news in honor of Valentines Day has been nothing short of frustrating, because everything has been about “how to know you’re in love”, “the science of love”, “the math to love”, “testing out love”…

I just can’t even.

Listen to me, you don’t need a ‘5:1’ ratio to know if you’re in love. I just literally watched a segment on The Today Show about how if you maintain a 5:1 zone in your marriage, meaning for every 6 fights, only one is fought poorly, this tells you whether or not you are compatible with your significant other. It took everything in me to not dramatically fall over in a limp ball on the floor with great hopelessness for our world and where we are going. Instead, I just yelled “No” at the television repeatedly. Though I understand the logic of this theory… it is just complicating the simplicity of love. Because, frankly, if that’s the truth, there are many seasons of life Paul and I should have, according to their calculations, gotten a divorce. We can fight a lot! Fighting is healthy, but we are human… and sometimes those fights just don’t sound or look the way they ought to. Believe me when I say that I have uttered words (okay, okay yelled) that I would NOT want displayed for all the world to see. And, a whole lot more than this so-called 5:1 zone.

The issue with all of the segments and “scientific” explanations for love that I have seen over the last week are that they just frankly have complicated love. They have overthought it and this is the reason so many people are afraid to love at all. And I don’t just mean romantically, but relationally in general.

Y’ALL. STOP COMPLICATING THINGS.

I absolutely believe in compatibility. I absolutely believe that you should have similar life goals and you should 100% take these things into account when deciding who you should date and ultimately marry. Geographical location, “soul goals”, career hopes- these are important to cover. And, frankly, even these things will change a hundred times throughout marriage. We are two years in and every single one of these categories have flipped for us. But these are good places to start. From there, the puzzle pieces just fall into place. I am not trying to belittle people who have put so much time and thought into the process and mathematical reasons for love, I appreciate brains like this a ton… but I do feel bad for them. Life at its core isn’t about systems, categories, processes, or methods.

In the same way, love is not defined by logic. Like a faith in God, even if you don’t believe in the same God I do, we can absolutely convince ourselves it’s crazy to believe in a higher being. We can try to logically defile all the things we have written on our hearts for years… but at the end of the day, faith in God isn’t supposed to make sense. That’s faith- belief in something you cannot completely make sense of or see. If you took the time to recite out loud to yourself your core beliefs, meaning for me, “I believe in a God who created a world that fell out of line with him in a garden, and hundreds of years later God sent a son (who was also himself…) to die on a cross, ultimately reconciling the sin of the world, connecting us back to God”…. you can think, “Holy crap, that sounds crazy.” But even still, I believe it with all my heart.

Loving someone is not meant to make complete sense. It’s crazy.

Falling in love means signing up for someone to completely wreck your life in every good way possible. You are welcoming in someone to rearrange some things, and that in and of itself isn’t logical and doesn’t have a specific process. We are all too independent and selfish for that to make sense.

Are you following me?

All I am trying to tell you in this is that love doesn’t make sense, so stop trying to treat it like algebra. Keep it simple- like second grade math. Me + You= Together.

That’s all.

God’s love, the greatest love of all, makes absolutely NO SENSE. And, even still, he loves us with everything he has. Again, love just doesn’t make sense. It won’t ever make sense. But I will keep on fighting for it.

I love y’all enough to tell you to stop complicating love. Just stop. Don’t listen to the world who tells you all these ways you have to test out if you should be with someone. (ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HOW YOUR BODY REACTS BLINDFOLDED TO THE SMELLS OF SOMEONE ELSE.) That.Aint.Love.

Let this encourage you. I hope this takes some of the pressure of figuring out love off your shoulders. Love will never fully make sense, but it will feel right. There is wisdom in picking a partner, and I hope you use it. But, the rest is up to you choosing love. You choose every single day to continue loving the person you picked. Love isn’t like pairs of shoes that you get to choose daily off of how you feel. (Thank God for that!) Once you have picked, you continue to pick that pair of heels or sneakers every single day. Follow me?

Happy Valentines Day, y’all. I love each of you so much! And, I hope you feel loved today. I pray you do not fall into the traps of loneliness; I hope for your heart to be filled with joy. The great news is that there is a God who wants to LAVISH you in love today… and every day. If you haven’t given him a shot yet, perhaps start there today?

xoxo- Han

Greater Love

February 1, 2016

Ladies, let’s chat.

Can we do that?

It’s February, which is one of my favorite months of the whole entire year. Next to Christmastime, Valentines Day is one of my favorite holidays. I love love. I have always loved it. I love giving gifts. I love pink. I love excuses to dress really girly. I love red roses. I love cookies. I even got married Valentines Day weekend. The holiday should just be named ‘All of Hannah’s Favorite Things.’

Listen to me, though. I know that with the month of February, like so many other holidays, there can also come feelings of unsettledness. Holidays are great until they bring up unwanted emotions we try to keep subdued throughout the year. There can come with it the baggage of past loves, painful breakups or the hatred of current circumstances. Singleness can be a hard time- I have talked about it before (here). You can begin to believe all these lies that you are unlovable, not pretty enough, daring enough, risky enough, or intriguing enough for someone to love. These are lies- NASTY lies. Terrible lies that are so untrue. Everybody’s seasons of singleness are different. I know that can be hard to hear from someone who got married at 21- I get it. I know I got married young, and I always feel silly saying to someone I know what it feels like to hate your singleness- but I swear I do. Read my story in the previous post I connected above, and I promise you will see I waited a long time.

Here’s where I want to speak to today- there is love to be found that is so much greater than our idea of cute, spunky, tangible love. Spunky love isn’t bad, it is fun! But, I promise that if you are in that season of singleness- be it by choice or maybe you’d rather not be- there is love to be found that beats every expectation and hope you have built up in your mind. Yes, I am talking about the love of God, which I am sure you may have seen coming knowing who I am and what I do. But, I want you to hear me when I say that I find so much more satisfaction and fulfillment in the love of my God than even my husband. Paul can’t meet every need I have, he is human and is going to fail me at times. But my God never will. He is who gives me the ability to extend grace when my husband does let me down, because, let’s face it, he is going to. I don’t say that as if my husband is a failure, no he isn’t at all. I say it because it’s just the truth. I will, likewise, let down Paul a lot. Forgiveness and grace isn’t something either of us can do on our own, it’s through the love of God who loves each of us individually first. It’s through our relationship with God that we can have healthy relationships with one another.

My husband is a youth pastor, and this week he is prepping for a sermon to kids about God’s love language. If you’ve never heard of the Five Love Languages, I encourage you to find out what yours are! Paul’s are quality time and words of affirmation where as mine are gifts and acts of service. Knowing how we receive love helps us understand each other so much better. Likewise, God’s love language is, really all of these, but I think his greatest one is relationship- quality time. To have a good, strong faith, you must pursue it. Until you pursue God above all other relationships, you will never feel “full.” Your relationship tank will always need something more, but not if you place God’s love first.

So as we enter into a new, fun holiday month, I encourage you to view Valentines Day different if it puts a little bit of an icky taste in your mouth. I encourage you to make it something more than just a romantic holiday. I encourage you to, first and foremost, seek love elsewhere if you’ve been looking for it in others. Take time this month to press into the love of God. Prayer time is so important, it’s what develops a relationship with God. He isn’t this God up high in the clouds, he is someone who wants to sit in your passenger’s seat in the car while you drive to work. (I am serious, my best prayer time even since high school has always been in my car.) Talk out loud to him, carry conversation with him throughout the day. It doesn’t always have to be this formal prayer time we all have an expectation for in our heads. He just wants to chat with you, hear your heart (even though he knows it), know what you’re angry about, know what you’re happy about. Also, take advantage of this month to love on your gal pals. Take the time to send letters to each of them thanking them for their friendship and what you love about them.

Love has the ability to run so much deeper than what a romantic kind of love tells us it does. Romance is great. I love my husband so much it’s painful, but there is love even GREATER than that, and the great news is that it is available immediately to you. It doesn’t need to wait around to see if they like you, too, or go on a first date to test out- it starts now. Plus, BONUS, this love is one you get to celebrate year round! You don’t just get flowers and chocolate on the 14th with this one, but you are lavished in love every single day. I can’t even say that about marriage, y’all. (Come on, if you’re married, you know there are days you just aren’t showering out every ounce of love you have for your spouse.)

I hope that you can view February as being so much more than romantic love, but as a time to focus on relationships as a whole.

You are loved! Happy February!

xoxoxox- Han

Paul Allen

January 3, 2016

Today is my husband, Paul’s, birthday. He is 26, which sounds pretty crazy if you ask me. I feel like 26 just sounds old. It sounds like “adult.”

I love celebrating people’s birthdays, but I particularly love celebrating Paul’s. I love giving gifts. I love taking out time specifically for people I cherish and focusing on what they contribute to the world. I enjoy making them sit at the table, awkward as it might feel, while friends and family go around in a circle showering the birthday boy or girl with kind words, making sure they hear exactly what all the things are we love about them. A friend of mine in college taught me that, a tradition of her family’s, and it is something I have carried on for every friend’s birthday since. Birthdays are the only holiday throughout the year a person gets to themselves. It doesn’t have to be narcissistic or self-consumed, although it certainly is done wrong in such ways, but rather, when done right, I believe birthdays to be God’s grace, giving us a day where we HAVE to be celebrated despite how underserving we are of praise and love at times. (And, no matter how much we might hate or fear it.) Plus, who doesn’t love birthday cake? Birthdays are a picture of how God loves us. It is a celebration of life, breath, and marking another year of purpose. As Paul’s wife it is my job, no matter what the day, to remind him of the things he is excels in. It is my job to affirm him and selflessly love him, but on his birthday this is especially so.

Paul had to have been one of a kind, because up until Paul, nobody was ever good enough for me for more than a week or two. I think my parents were starting to wonder if I would ever date at all. But since day one, I have always seen something more in Paul. If you haven’t caught on from watching us, Paul is extremely kindhearted and giving. He straight up spoils me, and he is really good at it. He is such a better person than me. He will drop literally anything he is doing if I call him and need help with something. He has made countless last minute runs to the grocery store for ingredients or lady stuff (sorry, boo), never uttering a single complaint. I once, in one of those weeks of overcommitment to everything possible, locked myself out of my running car in downtown Dallas while darting to a meeting. I called him, a frazzled mess, and before I was off the phone with him he was in his car on the way to rescue me. Paul is selfless. He loves giving gifts more than anyone I know. He takes time to analyze and review every product on the market until he finds the perfect one for whom he is buying a present. Paul is extremely cautious, and for this I am so grateful. Paul is aware in all public settings of exactly every person around us, this is something I love because it is a love a lot like my daddy’s. I think Paul secretly knows coordinates, like in Battleship, watching me as I move from one to the next, looking ahead for anything that might harm me. I know for a fact if we were ever in a bad situation, he would know before I even had the chance to process what was going on. He is the definition of protector, and I feel safe with Paul. He is selective with who he lets in, but the people he loves he knows extremely well. He knows what hurts them, he knows what they like or what makes them feel most loved. Paul is always sensitive to making sure everyone in a group feels welcome. Paul is love. He exudes it. He leaks out love onto everyone. He is that person in the grocery store line who is so talkative + sociable that I sometimes wish I had a less loving hubby… but no, not really. 😉 I am thankful for his kindness. Paul is good at all the things I am bad at. He can be nice to anybody. He is extremely observant and can talk to anyone (I am very jealous of this characteristic.) He ALWAYS tries to see the other person’s side no matter what the situation, even when I just want him to be angry with me. Even when all I want is for him to say, “Hannah, you’re right. That person sucks,” he instead pushes me to think about the bigger picture. He makes me a better person. In situations where I feel mistreated or frustrated I think, “How would Paul handle this?” He is gracious and understanding. Paul is tough, manly, and a newly founded football fan. (He grew up a hockey player). If you ever are wondering what you can get Paul, it is anything Nike. But, he is also gentle, sensitive, and a romantic comedy kind of guy. The Lord knew what he was doing when he put me with someone who cannot stand a scary movie commercial, let alone the actual thing. Paul is goofy. He is fun, easy going, and I can lay in bed with him for an entire day just laughing + making up jokes.

Paul Allen Morrison is handsome. Nothing else really needs to follow up that statement, because it’s pretty basic and definitely true.

Being married to Paul is the greatest choice I ever made. Our marriage isn’t perfect, we don’t nail communication, we don’t speak kindly to one another always. Truth is that if you are looking for perfection in a spouse, you will never be happy. But, if you are searching for someone that pushes you to be a better person, to look more like Jesus; someone who knows to get you sherbet ice cream when you are sick again; someone who runs you to Sprinkles Cupcakes when you have had a terrible day; someone who helps you think rationally despite how much you want to be irrationally angry; someone who gets giddy over a new planner and ways of organizing their closet; someone who eats sweet potato french fries daily; someone who can always get the new peanut butter jar open; someone who is easy to make smile; someone who is anxious to help; someone who tells you you’re beautiful when you just get home from the gym; someone who seeks to know the good in everyone… then I suggest you find a Paul Allen. You can’t have mine, sorry ladies, but I encourage you to look for someone like him. Be patient in the waiting if you haven’t met your Paul. It is worth the wait. I hope you get to experience marriage, and then the joy of writing out the attributes you love about your husband the most on his birthday. I hope you end up writing a long piece about him, because there was just too much to keep to a concise list.

Happy birthday, boo. You mean the world to me, and you impact every single person you come in contact with. Thank you for being my leader even when I am stubborn and impossible to lead. Thank you for being you.

xoxoxox- Han

Goodbye, 2015

January 1, 2016

Can you believe it is the new year? It is 2016. TWO-THOUSAND-SIXTEEN.

How in the-

I can’t even.

I wish I could truly put into words what all 2015 did for me. I gained confidence and found direction. I found my niche, something that was strongly lacking before. 2015 was freedom. Today is the first day of 2016, and I wait with anticipation of what is to come.

Paul and I are entering 2016 with our heads held high, a fresh dose of confidence in the newness we have at hand. We are feeling ambitious, anxious, ready for change. We are truly thankful. We are thankful we had the ability to buy Christmas gifts this year for one another + our families. We are thankful for inside of our cozy apartment. We are thankful for food. We are thankful for feeling healthy and content. We are thankful for side tables by our bed (That’s for real as of last night!). It is the little things. I mention all of these things, because over the course of our marriage these haven’t always been a given.

We are ready to begin investing in things… don’t ask us what yet… we are still figuring it out. But investments are on the to-do list. Saving money anywhere we possibly can in order to purchase a home by September tops our list. We are currently sitting with Time Warner Cable on the phone canceling our cable with an Amazon Fire Stick on its way in the mail. I gotta admit, I am a tad nervous about canceling cable, but being I only watch the news and Gilmore Girls as of late, this could work out just fine.

2016 isn’t a year I have a list of resolutions to “get fit” or “go to the gym more”. Nah, this year isn’t about physical health, it’s about mental. It is about being emotionally healthy. It’s about laughing and loving more, fighting less. Emotional health plays the greatest role on my physical health; the two are highly intertwined. It is about saying no when I know I am exhausted, and getting in bed (lights and TV off) by 10 PM. It is about vowing to sit at the dinner table with my husband at least three times a week, putting one another first over our jobs. It is about setting down the computer or phone to talk one on one with my husband, asking him about his day while actually looking at him. It is about fretting over the little things no more, and being more flexible. It is about going with the flow, letting go of things that I shouldn’t have such a tight grip on, and asking for help when I cannot. It is about finding a good counselor, because why not? Every good leader says they go to a counselor at least once a month, and I want to follow their lead.

Seeing a counselor has such a bad stigma that comes with it. Only people who are messed up go to counselors or psychologists. (News flash, we are ALL MESSED UP. You are in good company.)

This year is about loving people well, but I cannot do that if I am not taking care of myself. I cannot extend grace or love as I hope to if I am running myself dry. Anybody else become an agitated, short fused crazy when they are tired? Oh, just me? Okay. 😉

I cannot serve people or work well if I am eating gluten when I know what it does to me. This is the year gluten is GONE. Fully. Dunzo. No more swollen skull, no more fatigue, no more stomach aches. Done.

Emotional health comes only when we value ourselves, our time, our feelings, and our instincts. We all act as though we cannot hear our body telling us, “Slow down, please. I am begging you, slow down.” Then, before we know it, our adrenal glands are blown out and we can hardly get ourselves off of the sofa due to a lack of motivation and sheer exhaust. (I am serious, take it from someone who has Adrenal Fatigue.) It is a thing, you can seriously blow out your adrenal glands. Now, I pay the cost for it, all because I didn’t listen to my body for 10+ years. My body now has a hard time coping with stress, because I literally ruined its ability to.

THIS YEAR IS ABOUT TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.

I feel icky saying that. I can think it, but writing it out feels gross. I fear people, so I fear there are some of you saying to yourselves, How dare her be so self consumed. But, listen to me, it isn’t selfish to say “no” for the sake of keeping the body God gave you healthy. We live in a society that says if you aren’t working, you aren’t doing anything. So days off are hard, because we feel like we SHOULD be doing something. We start to tell ourselves we are worthless for needing rest…. isn’t that ridiculous, though? We are humans. We are designed to literally HAVE to sleep. Stop feeling shame for being human. Even further, we aren’t made to work 24/7. Work to be able to live, don’t live to work. Work hard in your designated time to work so that you can enjoy all that life has for you the other hours of your day.

I could gain 5 pounds in 2016 (I hope I don’t), but even if I did and 2016 brought in emotional health, I would be perfectly happy. Take care of yourselves. Stop thinking that ONLY means getting to the gym or watching what you eat. Your physical and emotional health affect one another, so do watch those things, but pay more attention to your emotions this year. Get your mind healthy.

Rest. Get sleep. Have sabbaths, you guys. Take a full day to rest. No work, no emails. (Sounds CRAZZZZAY, I know.)

Last night, after a month of running around from one person’s house to another, Paul and I decided to stay home, just the two of us for New Year Eve. We could have whipped together a last minute party, we even talked about it, but we decided the best thing for us was to be still. We made a fancy dinner (pork chops with braised pears!), drank wine and champagne, sat in our pajamas in our bed with our new side tables next to us, and wrote our “to-do” list for 2016 to help our marriage and get emotionally healthy.

I will take this house, please. 😉

Read what we have for 2016, and I hope it inspires your list of resolutions. I hope it encourages you that you’re not alone in whatever it is you struggle with. I hope this reveals other people, Paul and I, also struggle. So much so, that we have to make rules about when to NOT do whatever that said struggle is.

1. BUY A HOME

2. Debt-Free

3. Say bye to Angie (my car)

4. Add to our savings

5. 3 dinners a week at the table

6. One date night a week

7. Quarterly vacations/get aways

8. One BIG trip

9. Good community

10. Visit family at MINIMUM once a quarter

11. Say “I love you” before we go to bed NO MATTER WHAT

12. Every morning pray together

13. Read bible together 3 times week

14. Finish Harry Potter Series

15. Fight LESS

16. Be more healthy: Spiritually, Physically, Relationally, Emotionally, Financially

17. Less TV, more reading

18. Intentionality in friendships

19. More patient

20. More gentle

21. Tithing 10% a month

22. Value sleep more

23. Better at loving in the other’s love language

24. Bake more for Paul

25. Cook more for Hannah

26. Sabbath/ Marriage Day

27. Others focused

28. Read You + Me Forever by Francis Chan together

29. Be generous with 2% of our income to others

30. Take Presley to dog park at least 2 times a week

31. Weekly planning together on Sunday evenings

32. Investments!!

33. See a counselor regularly (because why not?)

We love y’all. VERY much. Happy New Year, friends + fam. We are grateful for you. We write out lists for our year not to be upset if these don’t all happen, but simply as something to strive for. We know that if God doesn’t bring us a home or three meals a week together at the dinner table, he is still God and he is till good.

xoxoxo-

Han (AND PAUL!)

2016 is celebrating TWO years of marriage?!

Christmas: Year Two

December 19, 2015

I cannot believe we are just days away from Christmas. Today my only agenda is addressing and sending out 40 Christmas letters to our friends and family (I know we are a little late). I love sending out Christmas letters. There is such a sweet sentiment writing praises of the year past and sending it out to others who will rejoice and celebrate with you.

To put this past year into a word, it would have to be “aw.”

It’s wild to think that this is mine and Paul’s second Christmas married, fifth since dating, and just two months away from our second wedding anniversary. Growing up people tell you time flies, and I believe it now. Five years ago seems like yesterday. When we first met, it was the end of October. Our first actual date was a little over a month later, driving through Christmas lights in Grand Prairie and dinner at Spaghetti Warehouse. (Funny side note, someone anonymously paid for our meal that night.) We had so much to talk about that the lights tour we drove through just wasn’t enough. We found ourselves making our way in and out of neighborhoods for hours all over Dallas. It was that night I knew that night I could marry this guy. A week later I had to go home for a whole month for the holidays (anybody else miss a whole month off for Christmas in college?) We would Skype at night and talked every single day.

I love this time of year. I love that this time of year is not only my favorite holiday, but I especially love that it embodies everything about the beginning of falling in love.

Two years ago this time, we were nailing down all the loose ends for our fast approaching wedding. I had just graduated and moved into my very first apartment on my own. I had no idea what I was officially doing with my life other than the fact I was getting married. And though I was excited, I was also scared. Choosing to get married young changed my career plans a bit. Being a newlywed working night shifts at the newsroom wasn’t exactly ideal, so I took a different path. That Christmastime is seared in my mind. It was defined as a season of change. We were too broke to buy one another gifts that Christmas, but we were anxious and expectant for what was to come. That was a gift enough. That Christmas was a sweet one in my memory.

This time last year, I can’t explain it other than the peace of God, the both of us knew we were on the brink of something new. Something good. We could just feel it in our bones. We clung to prayer and our community. This time last year, to be completely vulnerable, was tough. From being sick, broke (holla if you have more school debt than you know what to do with!) and unsure of how we were going to pay bills at times, Paul and I had to fight to be friends. (Don’t worry newlyweds, you’re normal!) But, when I think about everything that has changed for us this past year, I could honestly weep. Yet even still, I wouldn’t change those first years together. With new jobs, new city, and the cutting edge of better health, we have so many praises for 2015.

We both phased out of jobs and into ones that are exactly what we have always dreamed of. We legitimately thank the Lord for that every single day. We know we are lucky to love what we do for a living. After years of being sick and no idea why, we finally found a doctor who nudged us in the right direction, fighting alongside me to get to the source. I can’t say how ready I am to stop being tired and sick all the time. I am hopeful that in our next Christmas letter I can tell you I am 100% healed. I am believing in God to do this, knowing even if I don’t get better, He is always good.

Moving to McKinney:

For months and months we prayed, begging for answers. If you had told me a year ago McKinney was the answer, though, I would have probably responded angrily. I refused to ever even play with the idea of moving away from our apartment in Dallas. I loved it. I loved living in the heart of the city. I loved where we were, but I absolutely hated some of our circumstances. God had to soften my heart toward following wherever Paul’s career might lead him, putting my desires on the back burner. The minute my heart and hands opened to what God might have for us, things took off. We entered into a season that lasted six months, interviewing with churches all over the metroplex. I realized my desires were different than what I thought they were. See, when we move out of God’s way, we realize our desires line up with the Lord’s will. It doesn’t feel like putting your desires on the back burner anymore, it feels like fulfilling your calling. Timing ended up landing perfectly (duh), and the two of us moved up to McKinney two months ago for Paul to take a job as the Youth and Young Adults pastor at Anchor Church. All the no’s over the prior six months instantly made sense. Thank GOD for unanswered prayers, because I cannot imagine us anywhere but Anchor.

2015 has been a year for the books. It’s been marked by change and transition, trial and joy. Answers and deliverance. I will hold 2015 close to my heart forever. I am thankful to Jesus for this year, I truly am.

Happy Christmas, friends. May you remember that joy comes from above. We love because he first did. We breathe because he took his last on a cross. Don’t get caught up in the bustle of Christmas, rejoice we have a savior.

xoxo,

Hannah

Shout out to Cottonwood Road Photography for our incredible Christmas photos