Hannah Morrison

Friends + Postpartum Anxiety/OCD

As you’re reading this, I am in Cancun on my first vacation in years. Like, actual vacation that wasn’t a staycation 30 minutes from home for a night. An ACTUAL, REAL DEAL vacation. We have a private pool for our room… WHAT? I can’t believe it. We saved for this and waited for the right time, and here we are. To say this was a much needed vacation is an understatement, and I am going to share just a teensy bit of that today. And don’t worry, I am writing this ahead of time, and not working while on said vacation. 

It’s actually insane to think my son, Knox, is coming up on his first birthday in just 2 months. I have a ten month old. SAY WHAT?! He looks more like a little human and acts like a little boy more by the day. We have a first tooth cutting (finally!)… I was legit Googling if babies can have issues that make their teeth not grow… LOL. But nah, they’re coming… in case you were concerned. I also found nothing on being born without teeth. 😉 He is so close to first steps that it makes me a little sad, because it means he is not my little bitty baby anymore. He is saying words like “mamamamama” and “dadadadada”, and carrying on babble conversations with himself all day long. And we love to point at everything now. It’s the most fun, life-giving adventure I have ever been on. I didn’t even know I could love being a mom this much. I knew I would love it… but I didn’t understand the level of love that grows deeper than you even knew possible for your kid.

In the midst of all this fun, life has been crazy. I mean, to be expected right? First baby, first time homeowners, small business owner, and a packed summer… Truly, despite it being some of the happiest, most adventurous, most amazing time of our life, and I mean that genuinely… A little bit of insanity has paired closely with this season. No matter how much I write in my planner and schedule life, I am still a human. If it weren’t for an amazing group of friends I have, I don’t think I would have made it out quite so in tact over the last 6 months.

Friends who outdo each other in showing honor, who encourage one another, who sharpen each other like iron. These are the kinds of friends I get to do life with.

Romans 12:10-11 | Philippians 2:4 | Proverbs 27:17 

People I can text honestly or call up about absolutely anything going on in my life. I cannot encourage you enough, if you don’t have friends who walk closely with you, love you, and even call you out on things, then you aren’t living as full of a life as God has intended for you. Community is what you were made for. Being known is a deep desire of everybody, no matter what your personality type. (Seriously, we all know I am an introvert!) I am so grateful for the friends Anchor Church has brought me over the last 3 years. Like… WOW. More than I could have ever asked for or imagined. (Ephesians 3:20)

More than ever, these last 6 months I have needed friends who see me often and know me well enough to see when I am off. Who can come sit with me on my living room floor to talk so I can be an adult for a little bit, but my baby can also stay on schedule and sleep in his crib. People I can text and say I am losing my mind, and they can say “Actually, did you know that can be a sign of postpartum depression?” Yep. 6 months postpartum, I realized I was experiencing postpartum OCD and anxiety.

I have waited 3 months to talk about it for a few reasons. And, sometimes when you choose to live your life on social media for your job, when you decide to keep something for yourself… it almost feels like you are living a lie. HA. But, I knew I wanted to work this one out with people close to me, and then talk about it on here after the fact. Or, at least when I felt confident to do so. First of all, I am choosing to talk about this because I feel like not a lot of people do. My flesh says, “Ugh this sucks. I don’t want to talk about this.” But my heart who cares for you and the part of me who shares honestly every bit of my life in order to help others know they’re not alone in what they face says, “Share it! Talk about it! Somebody has to.”

I want to help you new mamas with things to look for so you don’t have to get to the point I found myself at after thinking for months I was just tired and that everybody had the kinds of thoughts I was having. As a first time mom, you just have no clue what is normal. And, let’s be real, when your priorities are to make sure a tiny human is fed and alive all day long and that you have pants on when you answer the door… everything just seems crazy. For me, my postpartum anxiety and OCD was circumstantial and flared up from the chaos of our summer. It comes to everybody who experiences it differently, but this is how it happened for me. I didn’t even know that you could experience postpartum side effects 6 months out… so I really didn’t think anything of it other than “This makes sense, it’s been a crazy few months.”

May, June, and July were insane. In May, we were sick in our household more than we were well. It started with Knox, then I got sick for TWO WEEKS with fever and couldn’t touch Knox. Thank God for a mom who could come stay with me and help. Then, two days after I finally got better… Paul got the exact same sickness I had. We literally were sick almost the entire month of May collectively. Also, as I mentioned, I had to go DAYS without touching my baby. *Spark #1*

Then, in June, I had about a week and a half with Paul of us not being sick before he left for almost 2 weeks in Africa where I had no contact with him. We are talking remote village, the farthest from civilization you can be in Kenya, and I only got updates a couple of times from other people about the group and that they heard they are doing okay. So, I decided to drive to San Antonio so that I wasn’t alone, could spend time with family for my birthday, and get help with Knox as I was still exhausted from the month before. I ended up having a panic attack on my 6 hour drive with my baby and dog alone. It was horrible. *Spark #2*

Then, Paul made it home safe from Africa, PRAISE GOD, but was home for one day and then gone again for a week. We just kept saying to ourselves “If we can make it through the month of June, we can do anything.” *Spark #3*

In the middle of the almost month I wasn’t with Paul, I started having paranoia, insanely vivid and obscure thoughts about things happening to Knox, and OCD cleaning. I would find myself on my hands and knees cleaning the floors every day for hours while Knox slept or played. I started taking on all the house projects I have wanted done since moving in that just haven’t been priority. And I began caulking our shower and bath tubs. The thing is, I am a clean person and I do clean the house daily. But, all of a sudden my tendencies were escalated to ungodly heights.  I would try to force myself not to clean, but would start to panic if I didn’t. If I saw some lent on the floor I HAD to clean it or I would stare at it and be upset.

I would have images I couldn’t shake of terrible things happening to Knox, and I couldn’t save him. I would panic while driving, thinking somebody was going to hit us. It was things I had never experienced before, and they were all-consuming types of thoughts. I couldn’t make them go away, no matter how much I prayed for them to disappear or how hard I tried. If I closed my eyes, they would pop up.

I clung to scripture that says, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things and the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:8)

And, “Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, cast your cares on the Lord.” Philippians 4:6

I also experienced forgetfulness like never before. One week, I completely blanked about a baby shower I desperately wanted to be at, I forgot about a meeting, I completely spaced a Sunday I was on worship team… It was so out of character for me. And the more I forgot stuff, the more upset I would get and the more crazy I felt. Then, it felt like the more I focused on how frustrated I was with being forgetful… the more forgetful I became.

These were my telling signs something was more off than just “oh it’s been a crazy few weeks.” Sure, it had been. But, the crazy few weeks, rather months, were a catalyst for what was actually going on. I finally scheduled an appointment with my midwife, and sure enough, I was most certainly having Postpartum OCD and Anxiety. This is a type of postpartum depression. I wasn’t sad or blue as I had always pictured postpartum depression would be like, which is why I just really didn’t think anything of it. But, it most certainly is! This is why I wanted to talk about what I went through! I feel like when we hear or read about postpartum side effects, it’s often about the type where we can’t get out of bed or have ill feelings toward our babies. That’s a very really type of postpartum depression, too! But that’s not at all what I experienced. It wasn’t anything to do with my baby or feelings toward Knox. It was all inward for me. It was solely things I felt were out of control or things I needed to fix. I think, at its core, because life felt so out of routine and out of control, I felt if I could control my surroundings then maybe I would feel slightly better.

Phew, that feels good to talk about! I hope my experience can help you. I hope if you are a new mom experiencing anything like I did that this gives you answers and freedom from what you’re dealing with. As soon as I knew WHAT was going on with me, I feel like almost immediately it started to go away. That won’t be the case for everybody, but since I truly believe mine was onset from circumstances out of my ordinary routine, it was easier to reel back in by getting back into normalcy. I grew more and more in my head about it all until there was a name for it. After talking to my midwife, I chilled out, life began to get back to normal, I got my hubby back, and we had our routine back once our summer came to a close. I didn’t get on any medicine, though I was prescribed some. I wanted to see if I could figure out something that helped me before taking it. READ: I am NOT against meds, but I want to be off of them if at all possible. I was using some oils, though not consistently. Bergamot, Progessence Plus, and Endoflex apparently help with hormones so I gave them a shot. I just would rub them on my belly and diffused them during the day when I would remember to, if we are honest haha. I do think they helped, though.

The greatest help was my amazing group of girls who I do life with. Being able to talk about it was freeing. I am cheering you on, ladies. New mamas, YOU GOT THIS. We are in this together.

xoxo,

Han

I am wearing the Spread Kindness Tee from The Cake Shop in Mauve, and Knox is rocking his Dino Suit COMING OCTOBER 17th to the full fall launch of The Bundt Cake. WOOHOOO! I cannot wait for you to see the full new line of baby, toddler, and kids items. 

Photos for The Cake by Hannah by Cottonwood Road Photography

5 Ways to Order Pumpkin This Fall

Praise the Lord (PTL!), it’s pumpkin spice season! October brings up a giddiness from deep within me that says, “Let’s bake apple pies and drink pumpkin spiced coffee all day long.” Call me #basic… It’s fine. 😉 I get it, there are a lot of calories in a traditional pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks to drink one every single day. And, for me, sometimes I want pumpkin but I want to mix it up a little. I am sharing 5 ways to order pumpkin in your coffee this fall that will blow your mind!

I am shown below in The Cake Shop’s PTL for the PSL Tees! 

Long Sleeve Military Green

Short Sleeve White Fleck Tri-Blend

  1. The Pumpkin Spice Latte. Okay, obviously… BUT, listen. You can cut the calories. If you just go to Starbucks and order a Pumpkin Spice Latte, they are going to serve you a grande with whole milk and a whopping near 400 calories. It’s true. GASP. And listen, sometimes, it’s okay to just go for it. But, to cut the calories, you can order a tall, nonfat OR almond milk pumpkin spice latte. This cuts out the fat and calories greatly!
  2. Americano with steamed almond milk and 1 pump of pumpkin! I order this every single time I go to stroll Target. So… usually twice a week. 😉 I order it decaf often since I go in the afternoons, and have usually already had at least 3 cups of coffee by then. This drink order is well under 100 calories, and truly tastes like a pumpkin spice latte minus quite as much sweetness. If the PSL is too sweet for you, this is a great option in general! You could add another pump of pumpkin to really make it strong.
  3. Chai Latte with 1 pump of pumpkin. I love chai lattes! Packed with nutmeg and cinnamon,  adding some pumpkin just makes sense. I order a non-fat tall chai latte (sometimes dirty, which means adding a shot of espresso!), and 1 pump of pumpkin. Again, this is a lot more calorie friendly than the whole milk latte. Minus the espresso, it’s a much nicer, caffeine friendly drink. Still has some, but minus the coffee jitters.
  4. Cinnamon Dolce Latte with 1 pump of pumpkin. If you have never had a Cinnamon Dolce, you are seriously missing out. I grew up eating cinnamon toast for breakfast, and this literally tastes like hot cinnamon toast with buttery goodness in a cup. Again, cinnamon and pumpkin together just can’t go wrong.
  5. Coffee Frappuccino with 1 pump of pumpkin and dash of cinnamon. SO DELISH. Non-fat coffee frapps are calorie friendly. Adding a pump of pumpkin and cinnamon is blast of fall, but if like me in Texas, it’s still 85 degrees today and a hot drink maybe doesn’t sound so great… This is a great option for you!

5 Weeknight Meals

Last week I hit a wall.

A chicken wall.

A wall that said, “If I eat a simple chicken breast and broccoli one more night for dinner I just might explode. Or just go eat 12 pizzas… Tough call.”

I have been in a meals rut. Ever been there before? You have a plethora of possibilities, but none of them sound good so you just end up making the same easy thing every night? … Just me…? I shared our Costco haul a few weeks ago, you can find it here, and with it our usual purchases and a glimpse at a usual meal plan for the week!

But, I took to my friends and Pinterest, and I set out on a mission to make 5 different meals last week and it was a success! I only made a few minor tweaks or special purchases to our usual grocery list, and each meal was right around $10 or less! Yep! 5 new meals, same budget. $50 for weeknight meals! YES YES.

Night 1:

Stuffed Bell Peppers (OMG) These things are so good, and I see them on Pinterest all the time but I always think, “That’s too fancy for me to make.” WRONG. This was arguably the easiest meal of the week!

I used this recipe. The only thing outside my Costco haul I had to purchase was the bell peppers and enchilada sauce. I had everything else on hand.

Night 2: 

Baked Salmon with Pineapples, Diced Sweet Potato, Brussel Sprouts

I set my oven to 425 and put in the salmon at the same time as my diced sweet potato and brussel sprouts pan. I seasoned the salmon with olive oil, 21 Salute Seasoning (From Trader Joe’s), and I bought a little container of precut pineapples at my grocery store for $2.50. Lay the pineapples all around your salmon.

My brussel and sweet potatoes I put in a container and mix up with oil (coconut or olive is great!), salt, pepper, and a drizzle of honey.

Lay your brussel and potato mixture on a large greased pan.

This is proof I am no “food blogger”… I don’t know how long I leave stuff in for. I just watch it and know when it’s done. But I think it’s right around 20 minutes… haha.

Night 3 (Home Group Night):

Loaded Nachos

Every other Wednesday we host home group at our place for our small group at church. It’s the best! This week we did Favorite Family Appetizers, so I made nachos! It seemed easy enough, and you can’t go wrong with cheese and chips… Am I right?

Tortilla chips, can of corn + can of black beans (drained), Chili Lime Seasoning (Trader Joe’s), Salt, Pepper, Mexican Blend Cheese, premade Pico de Gallo from the store, Green Hatch Chili Salsa (OMG this stuff is so good from Market Street right now!), Jalapenos, Sour Cream

Oven on 400

Lay your chips on a large greased pan (I sprayed it with Avocado Oil), layer (thick…) cheese, spoon out the bean/corn/chili seasoning mixture evenly across the chips. Put in the oven for about 5 minutes (or until cheese is fully melted!). Add sliced jalapenos, salsa, and sour cream immediately upon taking out, and SERVE them tasty cheesy chips.

Night 4:

Apple Cider Pork Chops from the Butcher, Mashed Sweet Potato, Baked Broccoli

I mentioned these in my Costco Haul as an item we buy at our local grocery store. We eat them almost every week, because they are MASSIVE and it’s usually right around $5 for 2 of them. They are by weight, so it can vary week to week, but that’s the average cost.

WE LOVE MASHED SWEET POTATO. Also a staple in our home, and delicious with a can of drained corn mixed in. But, this week, we did just the mashed sweet potato and a tray of baked broccoli.

Sear your pork chops on a pan with oil of choice. These cook fast, but it’s about 4 minutes a side. Pork chops are like chicken and can’t be pink at all inside. Be sure to check.

Boil a pot of water. Once boiling put in 2 peeled and chopped sweet potato. Allow to cook through. Drain and put potatoes in mixer. Add butter (or you can do a TBSP of coconut oil!), salt, pepper, dash of cinnamon, and a little milk (we use Almond). Whip it together!

I shake up my broccoli in melted coconut oil with salt and pepper. Lay on sheet in oven (400 degrees) for about 10 minutes. Watch closely, those suckers burn fast!)

Night 5: 

Honey Glazed Chicken, Cucumber Salad, Spinach

Oven on 425

Put defrosted chicken in cooking pan. Season with salt, pepper, 21 Salute Seasoning from Trader Joe’s, and drizzle honey on top. Bake for about 30 minutes.

2 cucumber, peeled and sliced. Put in container with lid and shake up with 2 tbsp. of white vinegar, salt, pepper, and onion.

Spinach can be a bed for your chicken to keep things really simple. But, we like to sauté it in coconut oil. This takes all but 1 minute… I skip it sometimes to keep from dirtying a pan. Your call!

If you didn’t notice the pattern… these were all quick, easy, and as few of dishes as possible! Yummy doesn’t have to be complicated. I am all about simplicity. I hope these inspire you to get out of your meal rut, if you’re in one. OR, that it inspires you to cook! Get in your kitchen. Don’t be afraid of it.

xoxo, Han

How My Son Made Me Love My Body

Ladies, let’s chat. Cool?

Whether you are single, in college, engaged, newly married, married with a kid, a high schooler, or a single mom… I think it’s safe to say our bodies are a hot topic, regardless of what stage of life you’re in. I always thought when I was younger, “Oh, when I am “older” I won’t be so weird about my body anymore.” HA. Gosh, I wish. The reality of that thought is that your insecurities don’t disappear with age, they disappear with truth. So, let’s be honest with ourselves. I would venture to say it’s safe to bet that at some point every single one of us has struggled with our body image. I will be the first to raise her hand and say, “I sure have!”

My story? I was a dancer my whole life, and slowly felt the pressure of being “small enough.” Mind you… I was 5’1 and definitely never was overweight to begin with. It was all self-inflicted pressure. I lived my life with calorie counts and checking my side view for years until I withered away to basically nothing. Then, unlike I had hoped would happen as I got older, my insecurities didn’t disappear. They just followed me into college and marriage. It was my insecurities that absolutely subtly effected my perspective on becoming a mom for a long time. I definitely had a list of other fears ranging from no sleep, already hectic schedules, and figuring out how to keep my marriage priority with a kid. But, my greatest fears when it came to the idea of having kids was labor itself, and then the fear of my changing body.

I knew deep down all those other things could be figured out… but what would happen to me? That terrified me most. Funny enough, I was in the best health and shape of my life when I got pregnant. Mentally and physically, I was doing awesome. I had spent years figuring out what I could and couldn’t eat from allergies, and just spent over a year reversing -thanks to a crazy scientist doctor- years of misdiagnosis and doctors telling me “nothing is wrong” when I knew something was. Finally, I wasn’t sick all the time. Finally, I had answers for my fatigue. Finally, I felt like more than a shell of a human being walking around. And, above all, I was so secure in my own skin. And then… I got pregnant. HA. I had to accept my body was about to change drastically. Again. I was about to be exhausted… all the time again. I was about to be nauseous… all the time again. Different reasons this time around, but I was about to feel like crap again. It seemed silly to me. I worked so hard to get healthier, battling both mental and physical sickness, and then as soon as I was feeling great… I felt like it was time to become a mom. Funny how that happens.

But here’s the best part you guys. I realized through pregnancy just how much I love my body. God used my greatest fears to reveal my greatest joys. I found freedom in the midst of my biggest fear. What I thought would be my greatest road block in pregnancy became my favorite part!

Question: What is your biggest fear that, if you took bold steps into, COULD actually be the deliverance you’ve been needing? 

Alright, so pregnancy went great. I felt awesome and I was proud of what my body and I just did for 9 months. *high five, body!* And then, my labor didn’t go at all as I had expected and I had to have an emergency c-section. I felt a little betrayed by my body that I had grown to love so much over the last 9 months. For the first time in my life, pregnancy made it feel like we were on the same page. It felt like we were working together… and then, I couldn’t deliver my son. I tried. I tried so hard, and nothing was working.

I thought my body had tricked me, stabbed me in the back. But then I realized it actually was my son’s saving grace. It knew better than I did to not progress or the baby inside of me that I loved so much would die. I have nothing but gratitude for my body. More than ever I can say, “I love this body!” I owe my son’s life to it in more ways than one. It grew my son, every ounce of weight gain and expanding hips, nausea and fatigue… It was all worth it. All I have to say to you, body, is thank you for bringing my best little friend into the world exactly how you knew it needed to be done. So sure, my body lays a little differently now. My tummy region is shaped differently, and no matter how hard we work at it, that bottom little pooch just won’t seem to disappear yet. My ribs legit look different now. They set outward and a little higher than before. But, I love you anyways, body. And, in fact, I vow to never speak ill of you ever again. 

I wrote that to my body a couple of months after Knox was born. It’s taken me almost 9 months to talk about it. But, that’s where I am at. Thank GOD our bodies were designed by a creator to do more than we could have ever imagined.

Now, listen. Whether you’re pregnant, just had a baby, or having children is NO WHERE on your radar… It’s amazing how God can use situations we dread in order to show us freedom.

Jesus walked into a situation he absolutely dreaded by saying “yes” to death on a cross. Don’t believe me? He sweat blood he was so anxious and terrified for what was about to come while praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. He begged God to allow this cup to pass… He didn’t want to die a gruesome death. He DID however want you to experience freedom. So, He went. He carried the cross for you, for me, for every insecurity. Through death, freedom was found. Life for all of us came through a painful situation. Aren’t you so thankful Jesus went to the cross? Let Jesus’ example be what leads you into freedom from whatever it might be in your life. Maybe it’s body image, or maybe it’s a tight hold on things you cannot change. Whatever situation you are seeking freedom in, perhaps walking into the depths of what you fear most will reveal a freedom you didn’t even know was possible. Jesus will meet you in the darkness and shed light. You can’t see what parts of you need light, though, unless you do in fact go into the darkness to expose where shadows are dwelling. Perfect love casts out all fear, and darkness literally cannot exist where light is.

Find freedom, friends. I hope you know you’re beautiful. I hope you see there is freedom from whatever your insecurities might be. If you find yourself pinching, poking, and turning to the side to see if it’s a “skinny” day… please, go to the darkness with a torch in hand (psssst, that’s Jesus!) and expose what parts of you need truth.

You are beautiful.

You are made exactly how the Lord designed you.

You are irreplaceable.

You are knit and woven by God, The Creator.

You are special.

You are perfect as you are.

You are enough.

You are worthy.

xoxo, Han

This shoot with Knox is my favorite I have ever done with Hannah from Cottonwood Road Photography. I told her I just wanted something simple. My hair is its natural straight style, these jeans are 3 years old, and my top is from last winter. My nails aren’t painted, and my headboard has a button missing. There was something freeing in and of itself showing up just as I am for this shoot. Also, I mean, look at this kid. WOW. It hurts how much I love him.

Cheers to you, August 28th

Memories for me are almost exclusively sensory. I have a hard time remembering series of events or the way things happened. But the way they smelled or sounded? I have that stamped in my brain forever. That’s why when fall comes every year, or unofficially does with the return of the pumpkin spice latte at an overpriced coffee shop, I cannot help but celebrate it. Take all my money, Starbucks! Because, the thick aroma of warm sugar and pumpkin or that “football season” crisp to the air, those are the things I live for. Let’s face it, a lot of things change as time goes by. Family lives far away, life gets more real, trials come and go. But the next 3 months of the year remind me that as we grow up, memories don’t change. Smells and tastes of memories past, those stay the same deep down in my spirit and mind. THANK GOD. No matter how much the world around us changes, those stay exactly as they were yesterday, today, tomorrow.

The smell of this time of year is consistent, I guess. And I like consistency. I like things to be the same as they were before. That’s why I celebrate with such ferocity when things like pumpkin candles and lattes come out, despite it being 100 degrees out still. The crunch of leaves? Yeah, that’s happening in Texas because it is so freaking hot all our plants are dying… Not because autumn has arrived and the beautiful transformation of the foliage is taking place… yeah right.

But yet, I still celebrate.

When things feel out of reach, ungraspable, or like I just can’t get things under control… the scent of chili reminds me of tradition. The giddiness that comes with the months ahead. That inaugural first “cold” night of the year (or, well, anything under 70). Celebration, tradition, and doing things the way you always have just because it’s gone on for too long now to change it anyways, those are the memories and things I cling to. Life is a roller coaster, relationships ebb and flow, and I feel a deep sense of nostalgia it nearly makes me ache as the holidays get closer. But, rather than shoving them out, I welcome them with open arms.

So, here’s to you August 28th. Sure, it’s hot. Hot as HADES outside. But, I celebrate you today with hot coffee filled with the smells I so long for every year to make their grand return, reminding me that the world spins and things change. But, some things never will.

You can celebrate the return of the Pumpkin Spice Latte with me! Check out our newest tees in The Cake shop celebrating Pumpkin Spice Latte Season. Praise the Lord for the Pumpkin Spice Latte, y’all!

Head to the shop, here.

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