Phew, I feel like it’s been a hot minute since I have been in “my groove”, and I wanted to check-in with you guys to say “Hi, I am here, I am working on a lot of new content for you, and I promise this whole MIA thing on the blog isn’t/won’t be the norm.” Thank you for your grace and patience with me as I have tried to figure out a new rhythm. If you’re new around here… here’s a quick update for you: A few weeks ago, I was hospitalized for contractions, and we aren’t talking Braxton Hicks. I was having real deal pre-term contractions (holy moly, that pain though!), and they had to keep me over night. Essentially, sedating my uterus to keep me from going into labor at 22 weeks. The Lord moved and worked in my body in ways I truly can only say “That was the Lord”, and I honestly believe I got to be part of a miracle through the power of prayer and God’s grace on my body. We went from them telling me “You are a worst case scenario right now” and “Let’s just make it to 24 weeks where he can, in theory, live outside of the womb with a lot of help” to being completely healed. Measurements they had made day 1 of my cervix were completely different day 2. Now, at 26 weeks and a week out from the third trimester, Baby Boy is still cooking nicely, moving around a whole lot, and though my contractions are still happening, they aren’t frequent or near as painful. PRAISE THE LORD. Although, I will say, I am kind of thankful for the test run we had. I have the personality of someone who likes to know exactly what she is in for or about to do. I ask a million questions to prepare myself mentally, and I do not do well with walking into any situation blind or off the cuff. So now, I know what is in store for me with contractions, and we got to experience exactly where we will need to go when I am in true labor… It honestly, in a weird way, has made me feel a little more prepared. I am thankful for my contractions I have had, particularly the ones that made me fall over in the middle of downtown Mckinney… haha. But, no really, I feel like I got to prepare myself for how to cope with them and fight through them. Anyways, so after I returned from the hospital, I was on bed rest for a week (and, at the time, we thought I might be put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy). Clearly, my schedule has been way out of whack for a few weeks, I haven’t been able to shoot much for you guys, and I have to take things a little slower than before. Thank you for walking with me in it all.
Alright so fast forward, though, and here we are! Paul and I just came out of a 21 day fast with our church, and we chose to fast from TV together. We had known about this 21 day fast way before what happened with me, which ended up to be funny timing. We decided the only thing we were allowed to watch all 21 days was our summer show Big Brother, because it is something we do together and it’s a weird time of bonding for us. I honestly wasn’t sure how hard it would be to keep the television off, but it proved to be extremely tough. I work from home all day, and I didn’t realize how often I turn the television on just for white noise in the background or to feel less alone. The struggle was even more real being on bed rest… what the heck am I actually supposed to do when I am confined to my sofa on my side? Which, let’s be real, I sucked at bed rest. My mom stayed with us a few days to help out and I got in trouble every 10 minutes, it felt like. After she left, Paul had to get on me all the time. I would mindlessly get up, clean, rearrange things… I am totally my grandmother. And, every time I would go to pick up the remote, I would catch myself and pray (and giggle at how mindless routine can be). I was forced to prayer, silence, and rest.
With my bed rest, I felt helpless and worthless… I feared being called lazy (which is crazy, I know)- but, just being honest, being called “lazy” is one of my greatest fears in life and I was being forced to feel that fear and face it head on. (Ugh, we are baring it all this morning aren’t we? Ha) I had a really hard time with being told to sit, do nothing, don’t work… and not only was it good for me, it was expected of me. I was being forced to face a major idol in my life and there was nothing to distract me. No Gilmore Girls, no Friends, no news… just silence. Wait, what? Don’t work? But, I have worked a job and done “things” since… well, forever. I have always worked. You are telling me not to be productive in any way? I can’t even COOK? I tried to cook one night, and I almost was hospitalized again. Clearly, there was a lot to pray about. And, with the fast, that kind of was all I was able to do. We were having trouble with our wifi in the middle of all this, so even after my week of bed rest was over, there were days I couldn’t work because my wifi wasn’t working. We only have one car, so I couldn’t hop in the car and work from a coffee shop… I was stuck. Finally, one day I had a melt down. What in the world was God trying to teach me?! Hadn’t I given up enough? (That’s literally what I asked him… oy.) I have always known that I can easily fall into a trap of being defined by my performance and work ethic, and I was being forced to look at my idol straight in the eyes. Like I said, funny timing. But, of course, God’s timing is perfect timing and there was no doubt purpose to the timing of my bed rest being in the middle of our fast.
What was great about our fast as a couple was Paul and I didn’t get to sit down after a long day of work to a screen where we were “spending time together” … but not really. We had to be intentional with conversation and time. We played board games, read books, cooked and baked, played with Presley outside, or went on drives. We went to bed less frantic feeling and woke up more rested. My biggest fear with Baby Boy on the way, along with some other life changes before he gets here in the coming weeks, is losing my time with my husband. Like, y’all, I wept on the sofa the other night thinking about how my time as just us is about to be over in a few weeks. It will never be just us in our home ever again. I grieved what was, and though excited beyond belief for what is to come, I don’t do change well and I have a hard time allowing my comfort to be tested. Having a baby certainly rips up and tosses out the window routine and comfort. Then, in my grief, I have felt a little guilty… like how can I be sad when we are about to be crazy blessed? But, a friend and fellow mommy told me this yesterday:
No matter the sweetness of a change, it is still change and it means there is time to grieve the loss of something.
I cried immediately when I read her words, because I felt the guilt of grief lift from my shoulders. I felt validated in all of the emotions I was feeling. And, as she is now the happy mommy of a beautiful boy, there is hope on the other side of the grief and change. This is why we have Godly community. It’s so necessary.
So here we are, week 1 out of our fast, and trying to keep a rhythm of intentionality. The TV is there, but we are aiming to keep it minimal. I really loved the time we had together with no television, and I don’t want to lose that intentionality especially in these final weeks of just us. Fasting is hard, but it is a beautiful thing. As believers, we are called to fast from time to time. Sometimes, we fast for something specific for God’s intervention. Other times, we fast because it’s an act of obedience. Whatever your reason for a fast, there is always fruit. Keep your fast between you and God while you are in it, and pick some community who can keep you accountable. See what he is teaching you, what obstacles arise for you to face without distraction, and how you can pray more in it all.
I love you guys so much, and I am so grateful for you!! Like I said, there is so much new content coming to the blog. We have been hard at work over here creating and shooting, and getting back in step with things. I can’t wait to share everything I have in the works with you. I took note of every single thing you sent me for content suggestions, and we will be rolling it all out in the coming months.
xoxo- Han
Thanks for sharing about your fast. This is so convicting. I want to give you some encouragement as you expect your baby. God will give you time with your husband. You have to cut that time into your life, but it will come. And in the first weeks of having your baby, the time you have with him will be sweet and tender. you will be a wonderful momma. Rest in god’s truth. He will bless you but I remember that feeling that your time with your husband is coming to a stop. You will still have time with him. Dates will happen again. But I know that feeling. may the lord bless you in your last trimester as you await this new blessing. Love reading your blog! Thanks for sharing!