Pray The BIG Prayers

July 29, 2016

This is certainly one of those impromptu, unplanned, quickly written posts. But, I felt the need to post it. I know someone out there needs this same encouragement. Go move mountains today, command them to jump into the sea because they fear the power you have in the name of Jesus.

Ever since I can remember, I have prayed very specific, very big prayers. Not that I bank on the Lord responding to every crazy thing I dream up and ask for him to make happen, but that when he DOES respond, my faith is that much more affirmed there is in fact a God because there is no other way such a thing could happen other than by the work of his hand. For example, when I was about 13 years old, I asked for God to make me sick to my stomach with every boy I ever dated until I met my husband. (INSANE, I know.) And, of course, God responded. I literally came home nauseous every single date, with the nicest boys majority of the time, but I just couldn’t get myself to fall in love. I knew deep down, it wasn’t my husband so it wasn’t worth the time. This doesn’t mean I nailed the whole he’s not your husband, stop dating him thing, which came with its own set of complications and heartache. But, none the less, I lived nauseous 90% of the time as I tried to fight the feeling in an effort to be a “normal teen.”

I believe wholeheartedly that God delights in our prayers and what we come to ask him for. It’s like a Dad hearing their little girl ask for everything they come across, everything that their little minds can comprehend, and he gets a good giggle hearing all of their heart’s dreams and desires. But, often, the dad will hear what the little girl wants and make it happen. And, 9 times out of 10, it will be presented far better and far more logical than we even knew to ask for. I believe in the scripture, “Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” This is found in Mark 11:24. In Mark 11:22, it says if you believe, then when you command the mountain to jump into the sea, it will comply. I read this verse again this morning and I let it settle in my spirit. I have read this verse over and over before, but it hit me a little differently today. I have always read the part about ask and you shall receive, that’s easy right? But commanding the mountain into the sea- that’s a new part for me to focus on.

What this verse tells us is that the mountains we face, the things come across that seem impossible to move, if we love God and command that mountain to flee, it will respond because it has to in the name and the power we carry with the name of Jesus Christ.

Too heavy? Too spiritual? I am just getting started.

We have the power to command what tries to stop us, what hurts us, what seems immovable to not only move but run and jump into the sea. Satan flees at the name of Jesus, right? Yes. So how beautiful that in that same name we can move mountains by verbalizing our desires, hopes, and desperate pleas. This is a new perspective of the context of this verse entirely. Yes, I throw crazy prayers up on the daily. This past week, I literally almost passed out, fell to my knees in shock, at some of the prayers that were answered and responded to by my blind faith and taking seemingly insane leaps, trusting that God could do it despite how crazy. But, I think I am fearful and hesitant when it comes to commanding the mountains of brokenness, anxiety, and generational sin to jump into the sea. Surely I can’t say “leave” to those. That’s work only God can do. True, it is work only God can do. But if we believe, it is by his power we can tell it to end. We hear it said that a relationship is a two way street. This is applicable too in your relationship with God, and some things take action on our part. It means not only believing on the inside, but verbalizing and speaking the power of Jesus into all areas of your life.

I pray you command the mountains in your life to jump into the sea today. They jump into the sea and crumble because the name and power of Jesus is that strong. Be encouraged, be bold, and feel the strength you have available to you today.

You are loved so so deeply. Happy Friday.

xoxo- Han

Worth It

July 27, 2016

After years of searching for answers, a crazy mad scientist looking doctor was finally able to help me. Today I am sharing my story of diagnosis and the beginning of a journey to recovery.

This past Monday, I got an unexpected phone call from a doctor’s office I have been on the “waitlist” to get into for months. We called in May to finally make me an appointment after months of talking about doing it, and it turns out they didn’t have a spot for me until November. So we said to please put me down for November, but if by any chance you can get me in before then, keep me in mind. And for some reason, they called me and said they had an opening that evening and wanted me to come in. I was referred to this doctor by a family at our church, and they swore that he was this crazy scientist with all kinds of off the beaten path methods, and he would surely be able to help me with all my crazy symptoms and unknowns I have lived with for years now with no real answers.

I have spoken about my health lightly on here in the past, but to fill you in, I have been sick for almost ten years with really no answers. I am always tired, always a little groggy, I have had swollen lymph nodes all over my head, purple fingers, and I have had increasingly bad anxiety and a list of other things that just didn’t make sense for me. I don’t tell you this as a sob story, honestly, it’s just reality and what I have come to consider normal over the years. I knew at 14 years old that something was not right, but every doctor my parents took me to told us there was nothing the matter. I had every kind of test and saw every kind of doctor you can think of. Eventually, I got scared to talk about any of the weird things I experienced anymore and felt ashamed. The doctors basically led us to believe I was a hypochondriac, a child who believed they were sick when they weren’t and often because they wanted attention. Though I knew deep down this wasn’t true, I gave up fighting. I gave up the fight for my health, the fight to be heard, and the fight to be better. By my senior year of high school, I couldn’t keep my eyes open at school and I would come home to sleep about 3 more hours on the couch until my parents came home from work. I finally saw a doctor that got me on the right track in college when my health was so bad that I began forgetting where I was when I was driving. I was convinced I was a 20 year old with Alzheimer’s disease. Finally a friend tipped me off to seeing a doctor about gluten, because my symptoms sounded strangely similar to her own. Turned out I am in fact allergic to gluten and my Adrenal Glands were burnt out. I had never even heard of Adrenal Glands before, and gluten was something I had eaten my whole life. I was shocked, angry, and a little selfishly skeptical. You’re telling me I have to give up my favorite foods?

I battled the diagnosis for another year, slowly changing my diet to gluten free. I would cheat here and there, and pay the consequences for how it made me feel. I would say “it’s worth it, I swear.” That cheesecake, so worth it. The cupcake, I will be fine. But, nine times out of ten, it wasn’t actually worth it. I convinced myself that eating something I am not able to was just an innocent cheat, and it wasn’t doing longterm damage or dishonoring my body. I realized foods with gluten weren’t just something I liked, but I was refusing to do what my body needed because I was stubborn and unwilling to let it go. After I learned my brain was swelling from eating food I cannot process, I ate fully gluten free for about a year and a half and changed up a lot of what I did, but even still, my body felt it was only getting worse. Random spots on my body hurt, my skull felt swollen, I bruise easily, and my eye sight in recent months has began to take a shot. I literally have kept an ongoing massive list of weird, random symptoms I have that have no explanation, but must somehow be connected to all the others. They are kind of funny, honestly. And it is crazy to me that I was told for so long with this list I was just dehydrated or tired. I am serious- I was told that!

So, I find myself in this crazy Einstein looking doctor’s office that looked straight out of Bill Nye The Science Guy Monday. He had hundreds of viles lined up along the wall with different ingredients inside of them, and electric balls and magnets hanging from old filing cabinets, and on the wall an outdated poster of an ear with different markings and body parts on top of different parts of the ear. Paul and I sat in the chairs below the big ear posters, one the American version the other the Chinese, and stared at this doctor as he smirked at me and said, ‘alright, how can I help you?’ I stared at him for a few seconds, because I didn’t know what to say. I have been in this seat multiple times, tested and pat on the head to be told I was okay. Everything in me would scream, “No I am not! I wouldn’t be here if my body was telling me I am fine.” So, I began spitting out in a really informal manner and illformed sentences what all I have experienced the last ten years. I explained what different doctors have told me, what I had studied myself and felt it might be, and that my most recent trip to the doctor was a couple years ago where they told me I am allergic to gluten and my adrenals are shot. The man literally stared at me and giggled a very delayed giggle, and I awkwardly shifted in my seat, slumping over a little with defeat. I was convinced I would find no answer yet again, and this was a waste of my time.

Then, Doctor Von Bergen grabbed me by the hand and stood me up to stare at the odd ear poster above me. He explained to me that our ears tell us what our body is trying to. He began touching my ear digging inside of it, around it, pulling on my left arm all the while. He found a weak spot, and my arm dropped. And he giggled. He said, know what that spot tells us? It tells us your gut is in trouble. He proceeded to have me hold my arm up as he pushed down on it, and then if he covered my right ear, my arm would drop. But, if he covered my left ear, my arm remained strong. This had something to do with the sides of the brain, and my right arm was my weaker arm because it is commanded by the left side of my brain, and my left side of the brain is the side that is affected by all these other things. (Laymen’s terms, clearly, but you follow me, right?) This would also explain why it’s my left eye ball that has dropped in vision significantly the last month.

FASCINATING, y’all! My jaw was on the ground half my appointment.

The next thirty minutes I held a magnet in my right hand while he put vile after vile of ingredients up to my left side with a magnet. Anything my body is sensitive to, my arm would drop. It was truly fascinating. He is the first doctor who ever made me feel like, wow, I am not crazy. So then the diagnosis. Basically, right now, I am allergic to everything. My body is so shot from so many years of going undiagnosed that my body is literally unable to process just about everything. He literally looked at me and said, “I could cry for you, because this will not be easy.” That’s encouraging… but actually, in a weird way, it sort of was. It was the first time I felt fully acknowledged for all that I had experienced for so many years. What he came to the conclusion of is that I have been allergic to yeast my entire life. Allergy to yeast causes your immune system to take a shot, and then, because I was sick as a kid so much, I was put on antibiotics that only knocked my immune system out more and made my yeast allergy more intense. I would spend the next 15+ years of my life battling tonsillitis, strep, mono, and all kinds of other sicknesses for which I was put on antibiotics, and it was a downward spiral for my body. I literally had strep 9 times in the 4th grade, and my doctor just told my parents I was a “carrier of strep.” What the heck does that even mean?! Month after month I was on amoxicillin or penicillin, and my body was becoming more and more weak. This is why I became allergic to gluten later in life. And over the last couple years, even though I have been gluten free, I have been piling yeast into my body still, thus no recovery. Yes, all my gluten free items- packed full with yeast. We did some serious pantry cleaning Monday night.

So, why am I telling you this?

WELL, first off, because I hope that if any of you are going through similar experiences, you can know you’re not alone and perhaps you are allergic to yeast or a random ingredient like me. Second, because I am now on a journey to recovery and am actually excited about it. I am on a diet that consists of meat and vegetables. I cannot even eat fruit, because I have leaky gut and cannot eat sugar of any kind. My Adrenal Glands are so swollen, that when he was testing them, even water made them react negatively, so I have to prioritize sleep and dwindle down the coffee intake. Say WHAT? Yes, so I am on a journey that will be tough. But, I am so hopeful and so ready. I am all in for this one. The Lord responded to prayers by way of a mad scientist, and I am so grateful. Now, it is time to heal and honor my body in a way that it hasn’t been for majority of my life. I am ready to take on this journey, grabbing the bull by the horns, if you will. 😉

I am excited to share with you along the way what all I learn, what I find, and how I am feeling. And, truly, I know that I am meant to write about this to help others. If you are my age, you are the product of a generation that was on meds left and right. It wasn’t our parent’s faults, it was just where medicine was at the time. I know I cannot be the only one who suffers now because of what was put in my body then. Chances are, there might be quite a few of you who struggle with similar things in a more mild form that you just have counted off as normal. Don’t call it normal! I promise, you don’t want to, or you’ll find yourself where I am.

I hope this encourages you, and I hope that it spurs you on to take care of your body. We get only one, and it truly is a temple. To put anything in it that we know is bad for us is to poison our temple. It’s so funny that a couple years ago, had I been told this, I would have wept and been so angry. But, I left smiling and affirmed Monday night. I felt like I actually had all the answers I have wanted for so long. I didn’t even care that it was drastic and life changing for Paul and me. I am just thankful to be heard. I feel like I just took off from the start line, and I feel equipped for the race. God cares, y’all. He really does.

Happy Wednesday, friends! I love you so much. Thanks for being part of my life.

xoxo- Han

Carley, The CRV

June 28, 2016

Yesterday- after six months of sharing one car, borrowing other people’s cars to get us to work on opposite ends of the metroplex, leaving an hour early so that we can drop each other off where we needed to be before being where the other needed to be to then swing back around and pick up later, and saving every single dollar we possibly could- we paid cash for a 1999 black CRV in impeccable condition that I have fondly already named ‘Carley, The CRV’. She has a window that sticks, a door that can only be locked manually, and a questionable stain on the back left passenger’s seat, but I freaking love her. Some of you are probably thinking to yourself, “You must be kidding. You have saved up for six months to put all your cash into a 17 year old vehicle?” Sure, it’s totally not what most would do. It doesn’t follow the social norm of getting your first “adult job” followed by your first adult car purchase, with which will come that first big adult car payment, right? It’s different than most expected for us to do. Understandably, I get that you might be thinking, “what the heck?”

But, listen to me and hear me out, and perhaps I can even talk you out of your car payment, too.

At least for now.

We have all fallen into this social norm of being in debt, and if you ask me, it’s pretty silly. Now hear me out, having a car payment isn’t a bad thing. Having a mortgage is a wonderful thing. If you have the surplus and are in a position that you feel comfy taking on the next big step, that’s awesome. I am not speaking to that. I am speaking to this lifestyle of trying to be in a spot we just aren’t at yet all for the sake of feeling good about what we have. This is especially so in Dallas- the city of “$30,000 Millionaires”. (<<< That’s a thing, y’all. A show was even going to be made about it, which is just so embarrassing.)

The best thing Paul and I have ever been told is to live simply now so that we can live lavishly and more comfortably sooner than the rest.

I have needed some serious heart surgery to get to the point I am at as I write this out, but I can assure you that it feels awesome. To be debt free is extremely important to me and Paul. Being debt free for us is separated into two categories: School Debt and Stupid Debt. School Debt is inevitable, unfortunately. I am in way more school debt than I ever thought I could possibly be, but it gave me a degree and at the end of the day, school was an investment. That is something I am paying as much as I possibly can toward every month, but even still, I will have that on my back for a long time. Debt is debt. But, Stupid Debt is spending money you do not have on things that ultimately do not matter. Paul and I got into Stupid Debt right after we got married. It took just one credit card for just a couple of months to ruin our credit and get into a rut. In our defense, we were so broke that buying things on a credit card was kind of our only option. Comparatively speaking, our stupid debt also isn’t even that crazy, but it’s still debt and we have been crippled by it while trying to pay it off, pay rent, and pay off school in the midst of a million transitions. Oh, and eat. That’s important, too.

So when we found ourselves without a car unexpectedly at the end of January, we had no margin to work with to take on a car payment. We were still trying to catch up on mistakes we had made previously. Our only option was to change up life drastically and start saving every penny. Our savings for a house turned into savings for a car, which was already our leftovers from a very small margin, and then, if there was anymore leftovers, that could spill into our “home fund”. Luckily, moving to McKinney meant way cheaper rent simply because of location. The rest, we’ve had to work hard for. We had to start taking the long way home to cut our toll bill back $100 every month. We had to start sitting down and say “do we love it?” Almost every conversation ended with, “do you want a car and a house, or do you want this?” Eating out became “let’s just go get drinks” or “let’s drive around and look at houses”. Life changed, but I am so glad it did. We are well on our way to being home owners and “Stupid Debt” free. We didn’t get to buy an awesome new car yesterday, yet we feel on top of the world. (Believe me, I really wanted a decked out 2017 Jeep.) Paying for our bills and paying off school loans on time every month is working our credit back up, though, and a home isn’t a complete fantasy anymore.

It’s actually realistic, and I can kiss goodbye to apartment living soon (fingers crossed).

Working hard, saving up, and having no car payment is the best feeling ever. Being able to pay for Carley without a co-signer or taking out any loans of any kind that would, ultimately, hurt our chances of buying a home in the next year felt so liberating. Sure, Carley isn’t my Jeep I desperately want nor is she a Range Rover, but I am proud as I’ll get out of her. We poured blood, sweat, and tears into that thing.

Being intentional

I have thought a whole lot this past week about intentionality. I want to be intentional in my marriage, my finances, my health, my friendships- this is really hard to master. Time is hard to get a hold of. I honestly feel like time is out of control and somehow every week I find myself on the sofa Sunday night in a haze thinking,”My gosh, how is tomorrow already Monday again?” I have failed at being intentional in all of these things- even in just the last six months. Buying this CRV is, and will be, a constant reminder of what it means to be intentional, though. We had to be intentional with our money to be able to buy this, we have had to choose to be intentional in our patience to have a second car again in a way that would keep us on track to have a home. We want a home to have a better space to host family, friends, and our Young Adults group from church. We want a home to be our first wise investment. Having a home ultimately points back to our desire to be intentional with our relationships and our finances. This means being intentional with my money today, getting out of debt and having no car payment gets me one step closer to my dream farm I want to buy for my whole family to live on.

Yes, my dream is to live on a massive piece of land in a dolled up farmhouse with goats, cows, doodles, and chickens. And, I want to be able to buy land big enough for my parents and in laws to build on, too. And my parents have a crazy awesome dream of owning an event venue up here. (Trust- we have talked through it all haha.) This is what keeps me going, though! Investment real estate in Mckinney as a side gig sounds pretty awesome, too. Just call us the Chip and Joanna Gaines of McKinney. 😉

All this to say, everything Paul and I have chosen to do in the last six months circles around intentionality in all things. To be intentional is to think beyond what is right in front of our faces.

Being intentional in all things, not just our finances, is wise, but it’s certainly not easy. It’s not the norm. It’s not “sexy”. It’s not always immediately satisfying. But, I encourage you to write out what things you want to be intentional with in your life. Then, write out your dreams and goals, and align what you can be intentional in to make those dreams and goals come to fruition.

Keep your eye at the end goal, and that will affect what decisions you make right now. Again, I can tell you that getting to my point of view on intentionality in our finances hasn’t been easy. If you have questions about living debt free or getting out of debt, I would love to hear from you! Not gonna lie, I will share this because the timing is impeccable, but as I am writing this, Paul just ran our credit scores and they have both gone up hundreds in the last three months. We just almost died from shock and excitement. I promise, be intentional now and you won’t regret it.

Love y’all and happy Tuesday!!

xo- Han

How Getting a Dog Changed Me For the Better

April 1, 2016

Listen, I get it. If you follow me on any social media platform (but especially Snapchat), you know I am uhhhbsessed with my golden doodle, Presley. We are talking, like, I talk to this dog as though she is my own flesh and blood. Some days, I catch myself asking her, “How did I get so lucky?” Sometimes my Grandma feels the need to remind me that, contrary to what I might think, Presley is in fact not an actual human being. I keep waiting for the day, though, that she pops out of a fur suit and says, “surprise! I was kidding all along, I AM a human and I DO talk!” ….

Like I said, Obsessed.

I just read an article by The Every Girl called, “Five Things I Learned From Getting a Puppy.” I was lured in through my Instagram feed, because I mean… hello… it was an up-close shot of a golden retreiver puppy and I thought I needed to read it. It gave me all the feels and made me miss when Presley was a pup. It also reminded me of how true all the insane things are that we do when we decide to let a baby animal into our homes, trot all over our furniture, chew our walls, destroy our Michael Kors sandals, eat whole lasagnas off our counter when our back is turned, steal all my food off my plate when I am not looking, and ruin more blankets than I would like to mention. Yet… even still having Presley has taught me to love something unconditionally in ways I didn’t even know humanly possible.

Sound crazy? I am just getting started.

I started begging for a puppy my junior year of high school. My dad was not having it. There was one time my sister, Em, and I sat down together (she was my moral support) at the dining room table to present to my dad the logical reasons I should be allowed to get a dog. Palms sweating, I laid out the plan. I laid out why it would be good for me when I went to college (it would be my protector, of course), and I explained the emotional ties and how it would be bringing a bit of home with me to Dallas since Snickers was too old to travel anymore. (Yeah, that’s it, bring up how you’re leaving them next year. Make it as emotional as possible!)

Emily and I even went to the Boerne animal shelter the day before to look at a litter of puppies that I was going to pick from until I found out I had to have a legal guardian sign for it since I was only 16. (Unfortunately, Emi didn’t get to count.) After my presentation, I cleaned his whole bathroom SPOTLESS, got mom on my team, and went to bed proud of my very logical, and well-presented argument.

(I don’t think my parents actually know about ALL of that… until right now…)

I then woke up in the middle of that night with SUCH remorse for challenging my dad’s authority that I almost barfed… legitimately. (I was a VERY goody-two-shoes child and I NEVER challenged my parents.) I wrote a sorry note and hung it on his bathroom mirror at 2 AM for him to wake up to, and I dropped the whole puppy matter (at least for a while.)

Then, I went off to college in Dallas, a city I knew nothing about and nobody in, and I knew that as soon as I could, I would buy a dog to live in the city with and take on all my wildest dreams with. Well, my campus was a no pet campus, and nobody lives off of campus or you will end up driving 30 minutes to get to school daily… so once again… my doggy dreams were put on hold. Then, my sophomore year I met Paul, and as we got more serious I didn’t have day dreams of getting married and having a bunch of babies… I had day dreams of getting married and getting a dog. I wanted a beagle or a doodle. Maybe an aussie, perhaps a retriever….

Who am I kidding, I wanted anything that was fluffy, barked, and could lick my face.

Then, much to my surprise, when Paul and I got engaged, Paul asked if we could please wait to get a dog. EXCUSE ME. I tried desperately to plead my case and explain this was now five years in the waiting to get the dog I had always dreamed of, and if I was marrying him right out of college, I deserved to AT LEAST get a dog. (HAHA!) I had a line of names picked out, I had read books on training a dog, I had read tips and tricks all over the internet to teaching your dog how to self-entertain, and I had studied the BEST food to feed your dog.

I wanted a dog.

He said, “I want one too! Let’s just wait a year?…. okay… 6 months?” Because I wanted to get married to Paul maybe a hair more than I wanted a dog, I agreed.

Okay, okay… more than a hair. 😉

Then, we got married, got home from our honeymoon, and life as the Morrisons began (dogless). And it was great. Almost immediately into marriage, though, I started to get very sick. At least once a week I was sleeping on the floor of the bathroom sick as a dog (lol…) and we didn’t know what was the matter with me. I sure as heck couldn’t be pregnant yet!

I HAD TO GET A DOG TO LEARN HOW TO BE MOTHERLY BEFORE I GOT PREGNANT.

No, turns out I happened to have all kinds of immune issues and allergies that forced us to drastically change up life together VERY early on in our marriage. For whatever reason, YEARS of issues I had struggled with blew up to intolerable levels right after marriage. I often tell people that God timed my sickness perfectly, because there’s no way I could have handled it without Paul. I used to sit on my sofa angry at God, frustrated I was sick all the time and begging for him to let this cup pass me. I was scared to eat anything, I lost a ton of weight, and I felt hopeless. I truly thought that this is how my new normal was going to be. This led to me, once again, wailing on the sofa begging for a dog. I wanted something to take care of while I was sick and Paul was at work. (I hadn’t started a job yet, so I literally sat at home alone and sick every single day for over a month.) I would spend HOURS searching daily on Craig’s List for puppies and sent countless inquiries I half knew would never actually get fulfilled. Paul would come home to me weeping on the couch as I would look at fluffy puppies pass over the screen, one after the other. My friends even started texting Paul without my knowing begging him to let me get a dog so I would stop pinning them and tweeting photos of them… (Thank you Alyssa Cottrell.)

Then, one day, I ran across an ad that seemed too good to be true. I had made up my mind I wanted a golden doodle, but they were like $2k and there was no way on God’s green earth I was ever going to get a doodle any time soon for the price we could afford.

Then, God put Presley in my life. (I AM SERIOUS. I KNOW IT WAS GOD!) I found an ad for doodles in Forney, Texas for a MAJOR fraction of the price of what they should be. I was skeptical. There was no way this was real… but you best believe I emailed them. I began conversing with the sweetest couple about their private breeding. They just loved doodles and wanted other people to be able to enjoy them like they have for so many years. This was too good to be true.

Even more so, Paul was on board.

This was going to be the perfect birthday present! We were broke as I’ll get out, we couldn’t even afford for them to process the full transaction at the same time (we literally gave them two checks and asked if they could wait on the second one…), but we had to get a puppy. The BEST part of this story is that after years of begging for a dog and Paul saying yes… on our way to pick up Presley the first time… I freaked out and backed out. YES, I BACKED OUT OF GETTING PRESLEY BECAUSE I FLIPPED. I felt remorse AGAIN for begging my husband to get me a puppy.

Two days later, I talked some sense into myself and Paul convinced me he really wanted to do this… so I recontacted the breeders… and (surprisingly) they had Paul and I, the crazy people who all of a sudden backed out the first time, come to pick out a puppy.

I walked up to the house in awe that I was literally about to FINALLY get my puppy. I began crying, screaming, half running up the driveway. I watched from the side as the four dogs left in the litter ran around. From the pictures I had seen, I thought the darker apricot colored doodle was going to be what I went home with. But, that one turned out to be the ornery one and I DEF didn’t want that. I wanted the one that had personality, but was gentle and sweet. That’s what all the dog books said to do. And that’s when a puppy caught my eye that was sitting under the car playing with her own tail and dopily following the humans around from time to time.

That was my dog. That was Presley.

I took home Presley at the perfect time in my life. God knew what was up when he made me wait. He made me be patient. She was a blessing + comfort through a very hard time in my life. She crazily gave me hope again, and she gave me direction. Not that God doesn’t give that without the help of a dog, I just truly believe he used Presley to comfort me.

I am serious. Yes, having a dog gave me hope in life again. I had SOMETHING to be purposeful about, to teach, and to train. It took my mind off of the frustration of illness.

Having Presley has taught me patience, love, sacrifice, and that “things” aren’t that important. (i.e. my favorite rug that Presley dug a hole through.) I like my house perfect. I like my things to be well taken care of, and I definitely like my sleep. Yet, for over a month I got up in the middle of the night to sing “Love Me Tender” for hours on end so that none of our neighbors would file a complaint about a wailing puppy next door.

Furthermore, having Presley gave me the thought that maybe being a mom in the future isn’t as CRAZY as I once thought. Slowly but surely, since having Presley I think to myself, “Aw, one day Presley will be walking alongside our babies as they learn to walk.” She is DEFINITELY the best cuddle buddy when you’re crying. She will be the perfect Nanna (like from Peter Pan) for our future children.

If you know me at all, you know this is some MAJOR progress from a few years ago when I said I didn’t want kids ever.

Having Presley has placed the idea of motherhood on my heart for the first time in my life. Y’all… God can use anything. He used a DOG for me.

Getting a dog, perfectly timed and completely on God’s watch, changed my life for the better. It changed me, it softened my heart, it forced me to be selfless in ways I have never known. It made me run a puppy outside in my pajamas at 1 AM so she wouldn’t pee on our floor again. It made me clean up all kinds of poop while gagging off our floor. It made me love something, despite a lack of sleep, more than myself.

This might seem like a ridiculously gushy, stupid post about a dog. I get it, it’s a dog. But, I mean every word of it. I love Presley like a child, because she has been a tool used to change my life in so many ways. She was a gift, and she was a tangible comfort from the Lord. I didn’t deserve Presley, and it definitely didn’t make sense to get her when we did… but that’s just how God always works. You know?

And, cool, now I am highly emotional and teared up.

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I love my dog. Judge me. 😉

What are your dog stories? What has having a puppy taught you? Show me pictures!!

Love y’all so much. I hope you enjoy reading this story about Presley as much as I did writing it out!

xoxo- Han

It’s A Love Story: Two Year Anniversary

February 15, 2016

Y’all- When people tell you time flies after getting married, believe them.

It’s absolutely nuts to me that Paul and I have been married for two years today. In some ways, I feel as though I just walked down the aisle toward him yesterday, and in other ways it feels like forever ago.

It is 6:35 AM, right now. This time two years ago, I was sitting in my closet on the floor praying and reading through the journal I was going to give Paul finally after years of writing in it- a journal to an unknown recipient from age 13 and on.

I was on the floor of my closet because: A. I lived in a loft, and all my bridesmaids stayed the night with me. There was nowhere to be alone besides the bathtub or the closet. B. Because of said loft style, I could wake up the entire place no matter where I was at.

I have shared our love story before on here, but today’s post is simply about marriage. The choice to love, the choice to remain present and committed. To be honest, I think we can all agree that the value, even the need for marriage, has been much forgotten in today’s world. People are getting married either much later in life or all together choosing to avoid the commitment of marriage with their partners. I have experienced as a married woman at age 21 severe judgement, looks of hopelessness from strangers when they hear I am married, and even being bluntly told I was too young to decide to get married.

But, I believe wholeheartedly in marriage. I believe it is sacred, and -best of all- I believe it to be the most fun adventure I have ever embarked upon.

I think it feels like forever ago that we got married, because we are such different people than we were when we first got married. We are the same… but we are different. We fight differently, we communicate differently, we love each other differently and more than ever before. Do you know what I mean? Marriage is the best, I know I talk about it a lot on here, but I mean it. That certainly doesn’t make it easy. There are days when things feel so impossible to remedy or communication is so tough that I can wonder why I didn’t just stay single my whole life. Why in the world did I choose to get married at 21? Surely life was easier before I had to communicate my feelings in order to maintain a healthy relationship. It was so much easier to hide when I wasn’t married, and it was definitely easier to walk out on people that I didn’t see eye to eye with…

But, that’s the beauty of marriage. No hiding. No running.

Someone knows you so well that you cannot even get away with faking your own opinions or emotions- at least usually not for long. Paul knows me so well that if I am struggling but trying to act like I have it all together… he knows. Sometimes even better than I do myself. In marriage, you have to be honest not only with your spouse, but you’re held accountable to be honest with yourself for the first time in your life. You actually have to address how you truly feel about circumstances or situations, because, like it or not, it affects someone else, too. If you keep quiet, you will ultimately end up bitter about things you should have been honest about months before, and that is what can ruin relationships. And, to be frank, I am really good at this. I can be awesome at bitterness and holding grudges. (I know, it is so icky.)

But, being independent cannot last forever. We aren’t created to function in solitude, but this is especially so if you choose to get married. I had to learn this the hard way. I had to learn that when you choose to get married, you choose to let someone into your life, your routines, your frustrations, your struggles. Everything.

Marriage has turned out to be the most beautiful and needed interruption of my life. I needed someone to disrupt my routines and independence.

Second, it is said ‘love is a choice’. Every single day you must choose to love your spouse more than you did the day before. You choose to communicate. You choose commitment. People who run off of emotion are who end up hurting their husband or wife. This is how so many affairs begin. This is what so many divorces are based upon- “We fell out of love.”

No, you stopped choosing to love.

Choosing love means more than just the romantic, fantasy kind of love. Choosing love means that even when you really hate to do it, you communicate and listen to your spouse. It means apologizing no matter how much it hurts to. It means sharpening and building up, even offending, if it means helping your spouse to become more like Christ. Love is offensive sometimes, people don’t like to talk about that piece of love. That’s also why I believe divorce rates to be so historically high. People want the romance, they don’t want the growth. Jesus was one of the most offensive people in the history of the world, completely wrecking what people ‘felt’ like believing. The world is on this kick of “love everyone, love everything- that’s the answer to all the problems in the world!” I do believe loving people is the answer, but the world’s version of this truth is a little off. That might make you mad, but I love you enough to be offensive. The problem with this ideology of love is that real love doesn’t let you be whatever and do whatever- true love guides you, walks alongside you, it is offensive and redirects. That is marriage.

Honesty is first and foremost what I have learned in my first two years of marriage.

Today, I feel like two years officially makes us “married”, no longer newlyweds. Is that silly? I just feel like up until today, anytime we have told somebody that we’ve been married for “x amount of months” or a “a year and…” we get a pat on the head in a ‘bless your heart’ kind of manner. Who knows, maybe that won’t change and I guess I am okay with that. It’s quite similar to the fact that I still get asked what school I go to- unknown whether they are insinuating I pass as a high school or college student.

I am so grateful for marriage. I am so grateful I have a husband who is willing to hurt my feelings if he absolutely must to make me a better person. I love that I am forced to be honest with emotions in marriage. I love that I have opened up my heart to walk through every battle alongside someone. Last night at our Valentines Day dinner, we each thought of a word to share that we felt defined year two of marriage for us. We coincidentally each said “growth.” We grew relationally together, spiritually, emotionally. In every way possible, we grew this past year.

I love y’all deeply. And, like I have said so many times, thank you for welcoming Paul and me into your lives. We love being part of it.

***Questions about everything featured in this styled wedding shoot? You are in luck, brides! I will be posting all about each vendor and everything I am wearing in the coming week.***

xoxo- Han (+ Paul)

All Photos Provided by Cottonwood Road Photography for The Cake By Hannah

View More: http://cottonwoodroadphotography.pass.us/thecakebyhannah